Maggots are eating at my brain

READ IT ALL OR ELSE

Sometimes I feel like I just need to not be okay. I've been okay lately. I only I have one thing that really makes me sad.

But sometimes I just look in the mirror and just have the impulse to hurt myself. I have the capability. My blade is in my desk. I don't want to but I think about it almost every day.

My diet I has decreased tremendously, my mom got me a sandwich and a small salad for dinner, but I only have some of the sandwich and didn't even touch the salad. I also have felt like throwing up 3 different times today, I almost did.

I'm doing the best I can right now. I call someone everyday and it's always lasted for an hour or more. Like today I was on call with lane and bus for 3 hours. I actually just got off the phone 10 minutes ago because bus fell asleep and lane wanted to go eat.

Madi wanted to hangout today but I was watching my sister and didn't really feel like hanging out with her.

Me and dezi hung out almost all day and it was actually nice. Hanging out with my siblings 1 on 1 is always better than hanging out with all of them at the same time.

I no longer have Roku because frank took one cord and the cats chewed the other one. But honestly it doesn't look chewed it looks like it was cut so I don't know.

My mom finally got me a volleyball and I'm so happy she did. I've been practicing everyday since she got me it, mainly setting because it's easier to work on bumping and spiking with another person.

WARNING ⚠️

My dog killed a bunny today. Its guts were splattered around it and it was split open. I told my mom about it and told her not to let the kids outside for a bit because the bunny is pretty obvious. She told me to take care of it and I told her hell no. Her response to that was
"It'll teach you how to hide a body" sometimes I love her responses.

I was watching shameless with her and one of the episodes had one of the characters frank trying to kill himself. She started crying because he was using heroin. My dad did heroin. It didn't really make me sad or feel anything. But I watched it wondering if that's how my dad felt when he did it. Sometimes I want to ask him why he started in the first place. Was it per pressure ? Is that why he always tells me to never let anyone pressure me into doing drugs?

Me and my mom were talking about when everyone would move out. I move out in less than 5 years, jazi moves out 4 years after me, sage the year after jazi, and dezi moves out 8 years after me. Which means I'll be 26 when everyone finally moves out. I'm just basing this off when they turn 18 btw.

I also was talking to my mom about how I doubt she'll make it to 90 and that even 85 would be a stretch. I don't think I'm wrong.

I was supposed to do laundry today but I didn't. I just hung out with my sister and took care of myself. Gave myself a break I guess. I hate days when I don't do anything but it's fine today was good.

I'm 14 in 28 days. Apparently you're supposed to feel different when you turn 14.

I keeping trying to figure out what I want to do when I'm older. I kind of want to be a lawyer but I don't really want to deal with the stress. I also don't know if I really want to even do anything. I feel like some people have everything figured out but I just don't feel like I'll make it. I don't exactly feel suicidal but I also do. I don't want to die now but I don't want to live to be an adult. I don't really feel like I'll have a future. I feel like I'll die before I do. Weither I do it myself or if someone does it for me or if it's natural causes.

I don't feel like I have a personality sometimes. I kind of just adjust my personality to people I'm around. I copy people, not on purpose but I do. All my ideas and opinions go based off of others. I don't feel like a person. I used to think I had a personality but people didn't like my personality so I changed. I can't tell if I changed as a person or if I changed because of people told me to. I can't tell if I'm actually sad or if I just am cause of others.

Sometimes I hate when I think. I either do it to much or not enough. If I don't think I piss everyone off, but if I think to much I stress myself out. There's no in between.

If I'm not talking to some one or not around someone I hurt myself. Maybe that's why I keep clinging to anyone that I can.

I really need advice it's not even funny. I don't know what to do with myself. My mom said she set me up with a therapist along with my brother but there too busy and haven't gotten back to her. I need some type of diagnosis. And if I don't have anything wrong with me then I'll just feel like a bad person. Everything I've done in my life and everything I've said.

Sometimes I say things without meaning it. I don't know why either. I think about what I say but sometimes it just happens. I'm really sorry, I genuinely am. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Do I like volleyball because I like it or do I like it cause my friends do? Do I have actual opinions or do I just say what people say.

Sorry for writing so much. I really want to talk to someone about this but I don't know who. Everyone is probably asleep or just to busy with their own shit, I get that but I just need an output and I got nothing at the moment.

I really hope my mom is able to get me a therapist because I'm sick of dumping my shit on to people that have enough to deal with already. Im tired of myself, I genuinely hate myself.

I said I really only have 1 reason to be sad but maybe I have 2 or more I don't really remember what I've said in this.

Jos we don't talk a lot but I genuinely look up to you so much. I really hope things get better for you. I care about you so much and we really need to start talking more cause I really enjoy your company and your opinions. I WILL REALLY TRY TO START LISTENING TO YOUR ADVICE MORE IM SORRY.

Mia you are a really good person and have a lot a head of you, I genuinely think you'll be really successful in life. You're my go to vent person because you can take both the emotional and logical side of things and have great opinions. You're very honest and blunt and I love that even if it can be mean it's still iconic. IM SORRY FOR ANY TIME IVE OF UPSET YOU.

Leah were not as close as we were and that's mainly my fault. I feel like I've treated you the worst and I don't mean to, I really don't just sometimes I say things or do things with out thinking. I genuinely think you're a good person and I enjoy your company. I feel like we need to work better at communicating when we upset each other because we keep filtering through Mia and I don't want to anymore. Either we need to call, text, write or talk in person, we just need too. I AM SO SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. I just sometimes can't handle myself and I take it out on others and it's mainly been you. I don't want our friendship to end.

Tay I don't really know you to well but your cool. And I hope things get better for you. Sorry I don't have like a long rant for you but I don't know you well and there really isn't much I can say. But IM SORRY FOR ANYTHING IVE DONE THAT HURT YOU OR PISSED YOU OFF.

Guys I'm trying and this is me trying.

Also this story is so fucking long and I pray y'all read the whole thing and if you didn't I'll be under your bed or in your closet to night. Jos your bed is on the floor and in the closet to I'll just pop up in your dresser. 😚🤚