Maggots are eating at my brain

Not so silly things

A while ago I would get really sad and in my head. I would go into the kitchen and sit on my phone eating, a lot. Then I would get mad at myself and force myself to throw up. It was out of impulse. I wouldn't even think. After I would drink a lot of water and go to bed.

My cats missing. I had multiple panic attacks with in 20 minutes. I hadn't seen her for a while. Last night I was on call with a friend and I said something about how I hadn't seen my cat in a while because they asked about my cat. I didn't think much of if and just went to bed. I was up till 5 in the morning and woke up at 7. And an hour after I woke up shae and frank came over and we left almost right away to go swimming. I never stopped and thought about my cat. Shae brought it up and I realized I haven't seen her for a long ass time.

I looked all over my room. She's not in here. I looked around the house and didn't find her. The window was never open enough for her to get out. Or it was. I genuinely feel like shit because I never noticed. My cats gone. My baby. I hate myself right now. She might have ran away again but if she didn't then where the hell is she. If I don't find her I'm gonna kill myself. I broke down in shaes arms and later broke down in my mom's. Writing this is making me cry again.

I feel over dramatic but karma has helped me so much it's not even funny. I need her back. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I don't find her. Genuinely I don't know what to do. I want my baby. I just want her back. If she ran away for good or died I am gonna do some not so silly things.