Maggots are eating at my brain

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I feel invisible lately. Like people talk to me but I still feel ignored. Maybe it's cause nobody really knows what's going on with me lately. Sure I tell stories but I don't go into detail. There are so many things I could say or cry about but I just don't. I don't have time to. I've been dealing with it by myself but that itself is annoying. It's the fact that you can say something about me and think it's true when it's not. I mean I have changed. I mean let me lay it on the table here.

I'm gonna end up strangling shae. She lies about so much and makes stupid excuses to be lazy. She brings me down. She doesn't motivate me. Not to long ago she looked me in the eyes and asks me if I was okay. She said that I just looked like I need to break down. I did admit to her that sometimes I feel like that but not at that moment. She said I was acting different.

Mainly cause I don't care anymore. I don't have enough energy to listen to someone complain about something stupid or for someone to act like a child.

I don't understand about how people can think so highly of themselves. To the point that it's not just confidence it's an ego. But them maybe I just don't give myself enough credit. I mean I passed the history test but the second someone told me that they did better than me I regretted being proud about it.

At this point I'm not even trying to be mean to anyone I'm just trying to be honest. I've gotten to the point where if I keep surprising my thoughts I'm just gonna blow up. So if I think your being stupid I will tell you that your being stupid.

Okay so I've been talking to baste. Well I need to find away to just tell him I can't do it anymore. I just want to be friends. Permanently. See everything's been fine. He's nice. He talks to me, says good morning, asks me about my day, but I just don't care about it. He's been talking about us living together. HE EVEN SAID HOW MANY YEARS IT WOULD BE TILL WE COULD HAVE SEX. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I don't want to move to fast. I don't. I've expressed this to him many times. But he has autism so it's hard for him to understand. I also don't like the comments he has made about me not know anything because I'm only 14. Buddy, you're 2 years older than me big deal. I bet 10 bucks I know 10 times more than you do.

For someone older than me he's so immature.

I also don't think I even like him in that way. I don't know. All I know is that when you like someone you're supposed to feel "butterflies" or something. I don't feel that.