Hollow | BxBxBxB

-2- Caught In A Lie

Once he'd arrived home Connor didn't waste time in heading immediately to his bedroom. It wasn't anything special, in fact it was quite bland, but that's how he liked it. Not too overwhelming. It was his safe space. The place where his anxieties and eating disorder couldn't touch him. Even when they did in there he'd be okay.

He sat on the side of his bed pen in hand, his diary sat on his knee. This was where he recorded his weight and feelings. The simple book held a lot of deep meaning for Connor. It stored his darkest secrets, his meanest, self demeaning thoughts in its innocent, unassuming paper pages.

He scribbled messily on his newest entry unsure what he was really writing, it all just came out in one big burst then he'd try never read it again.

"Connor! Dinners ready!" His mom yelled from the bottom of the stairs, Connor looked up in shock. Time had passed quickly. He'd be sat there writing for an hour now.

"Coming!" Connor called back. Yet he had no intention of going downstairs for his dinner. This was usual practice for him. His mom would call him for food, he'd tell her he was on his way, then he'd hide in his bedroom until the other two had finished their meals, then he'd go downstairs and make up an excuse.

Sitting patiently on his floor Connor listened as the clinking of glasses and plates filled the air, the light hum of the television could also be heard with Harry and Mrs Johnson occasionally making comments on it. By the time they'd finished Connor was almost in tears. He hated this. Hated having to skip, hated disobeying his mom, hated disappointing his family, but it was necessary for him to reach 30kg, he used to measure his weight in pounds but he hated how big that made the number so switched to kilograms.

Once he'd heard the television shut off Connor scrambled to his feet trotting out of his room and down the steep stairs. He reached the hallway taking a deep breath before walking into the kitchen.

Mrs Johnson and Harry were still sat at the dining table with drinks locked in a discussion. Both their heads whipped around when Connor came into the room.

"Connor darling, you missed dinner again" Mrs Johnson whispered sadly, her gaze fluttered up and down her son's skinny frame clearly wants him to regain the weight he'd lost and be healthy again. Villainous thoughts to Connor.

"Yeah I already ate, we got McDonald's on the way back from therapy" He replied lying swiftly. It had become routine for him now, but it still hurt to lie to the woman who had so lovingly raised him.

Harry narrowed his deep blue eyes at Connor raising his eyebrows in exasperation. Connor scowled back nodding his head at Harry signalling him to stay quiet. To Connor's relief Harry didn't comment keeping his head down.

"Oh. Sorry I didn't realise. Well done!" Mrs Johnson replied her expression a mix between guilt and surprise.

"It's fine" Connor answered picking up a cup and filling it with water. Water didn't contain calories so was one of the few things he allowed himself to have, but only three times a day. Anymore than that would be greedy. That was one of his many rules.

"I'm gonna have a shower" Connor informed him mom taking a sip of the water. Mrs Johnson nodded standing up to turn the hot water on from the boiler. As soon as she'd left the room Harry looked up challengingly.

"What the fuck Connor?" He hissed.

"What?" Connor asked shrugging his shoulders. He didn't see the problem with what he'd done.

"We never had that McDonald's, you haven't eaten today" Harry told him stonily.

"Okay, so?" Connor countered feeling his anxiety beginning to spike, he hated conflict with a passion. It made him feel awful.

"What do you mean so? You're meant to be getting better!" Harry insisted standing up.

"Getting better isn't a linear path Harry, it'll take time. I can't just start eating normally overnight because I'm getting therapy" Connor argued cleverly, twisting his therapists own words to use against Harry.

Harry sighed sitting back down and pouring himself a beer. He was meant to stop drinking those. So Connor wasn't the only one with a problem, Harry was being hypocritical.

Connor walked off going to the shower. He turned it on letting the warm water begin to flow as he stripped down to his underwear. He then stepped onto the scales that he was meant to take the batteries out of, he of course hadn't.

The number fluttered around before resting too high. 46.5kg.

Everyone told him that was far too low. Especially for a growing 16 year old boy who was 5'7. His BMI was dangerously low apparently. Connor couldn't see how bad that was though. He was blind to the fact he was gradually destroying himself for perfection he'd never achieve.

Sighing Connor took his underwear off then stepped into the shower, he pinched his stomach sadly wishing he could be less fat, wishing beyond anything he could just be skinny.

After his shower Connor changed into a pair of comfortable pyjamas then pulled a jacket over himself to hide his fat. He combed his short jet black hair in the mirror before stepping out of the bathroom.

As he did he came face to face with Harry. Harry smelt of beer and was clearly drunk again. Usually when he got drunk he'd ever fall asleep snoring or hyper-fixate on something. He'd never once gotten violent or hurtful whilst under the influence. So Connor didn't feel unsafe being around his drunken brother.

Today seemed like a hyper-fixation day. Harry folded him arms seriously as Connor stepped out of the bathroom.

"You need to start eating Connor" Harry told him sternly.

"You're drunk Harry" Connor countered quietly, he could feel the knot in his stomach tightening again at Harry's confrontation.

"Whatever, start eating or they'll take you away. You know that" Harry replied his words laced with concern.

"No they won't" Connor told him confidently. His anorexia wouldn't allow that to happen quite simply. Even though he probably needed it the moment that came up on the table something would happen to make it go wrong. His recovery was always sabotaged by the eating disorders presence in his thoughts and actions.

"Night Harry" Connor said trying to step past his big brother but Harry blocked his way. "Please let me past Harry, I'm tired" Connor begged him looking into his brothers eyes.

"I'm worried about you Connor, you're my little brother and I love you, but you don't love yourself" Harry stated rawly.

Connor felt a lump forming in his throat, he had to get away from Harry before he had a panic attack, he hated having panic attacks in front of his family.

"M-move Harry" Connor whispered, this time Harry nodded stepping aside, Connor rushed into his room shutting the door softly behind himself then sliding down it his back against the wooden frame.

He bitterly cried into his raised knees wishing he could just be at 30kg already and be free of this horrible feeling that manifested inside of him. Eventually he fell asleep there on the floor his eyes squeezed tightly shut still damp from salty tears.