Hollow | BxBxBxB

-3- Dizzy

Connor woke up with a jump early the next morning. He hadn't slept well at all that night. His stomach had been growling constantly begging for food and he'd been freezing cold lay on the floor despite his heater blasting hot air directly at him. Debbie had told him this was a side affect of his anorexia but he didn't believe her. He was just always cold.

Sighing Connor collected his thoughts before sitting up. It was time for his morning run. He'd always go for a run every morning to try and lose some weight from the previous day and keep in shape. It had become almost routine for him though he'd been too unmotivated to do it over the last few days. That meant serious weight gains for Connor so he knew he had to get going again.

Pulling a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt on Connor carefully made his way down the stairs avoiding making too much noise knowing that Harry probably had a hangover.

Next he slipped his trainers on and left the house. He was grateful he hadn't had a run in with his mom. She always asked questions about where he was going or what he was doing and he didn't really have the patience for that today. This also made anxiety prick at his stomach though, If she found him gone she could end up calling the cops to find him. Connor hated cops almost as much as he hated doctors. They made his anxiety go through the roof.

Connor jogged lightly down the sidewalk feeling the morning sun beaming down on him as he travelled. The paving stones were solid beneath his feet making for a steady surface to run on.

Cars sped by on the road as Connor continued to jog at a steady pace. He kept his eyes forward ensuring he didn't crash into anyone or anything as he ran further and further. Eventually he reached the trail he enjoyed running on the most. It was just outside his old college grounds and was very quiet. He wasn't allowed to continue his college course due to his poor health but he didn't really mind that. Connor found college and school in general very overwhelming. It wasn't designed for someone like him with such complex anxiety.

He jogged through the grassy fields enjoying the calls of the birds from within the treetops and the chirping of crickets in the grass. After a while of running he spotted a figure walking the opposite way to the direction he was jogging. He strayed to the left a little to allow them both space however as he got closer he recognised them. It was an old friend from his college called Jasper. That made sense considering how close he was to campus but it wasn't ideal.

"Connor! Hey!" Jasper called with a grin. Connor slowed to a halt as Jasper walked up to him. "How have you been doing man? I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Doing okay, just been busy" Connor answered quietly as he caught his breath. Despite his reservations to socialise with someone right now it was quite nice to see a friendly face. Him and Jasper were often lab partners back in high school and their lockers were next to each other. Then they picked the same course in the same college so remained friends due to that.

"I've been fine, thanks for asking" Jasper joked after a brief awkward silence. Connor flashed him a small smile before it faded away.

"I'm glad" Connor told him an awkward tension filling the light breeze.

"I'm already late for class, but we should meet up some time. How about next Friday?" Jasper suggested smiling warmly. This amused Connor. Jasper was never on time for anything.

"Yeah sure, I'd like that" Connor answered nodding his head distractedly.

"I'll text you" Jasper answered before waving a goodbye then setting off again. Connor watched him disappear into the distance before sighing heavily. He felt like he'd been so awkward in that interaction.

He set off jogging again praying he wouldn't run into anyone else, as he made his way along the grassy indented path his vision began to slowly blur. Connor was used to this. He didn't eat or drink enough so it was a common occurrence especially when exercising.

Once again slowing to a halt he perched on a nearby wall catching his breath and waiting for his blurry vision to refocus. The field around him spun round and round as he blinked furiously trying to regain composure. This kind of behaviour worried his doctors, but to Connor it was just an inconvenience, a bit like how he viewed himself.

Eventually the dizziness faded away and Connor sighed in relief. He'd never actually ran until he passed out before because he knew that wouldn't end well. He was very aware he had to stop when he started to feel that way otherwise he could end up in hospital. That was the last thing he needed.

Taking a sip from his water bottle Connor stood up cautiously making sure he had his footing and was steady on his feet. He then began to make his way back home this time at a walking pace. He retraced his steps all the way back through the fields and back onto the busy sidewalk he'd just jogged down. As he made his way back onto the concrete he suddenly started to feel dizzy again.

Abruptly Connor froze then staggered backwards slightly his vision fading in and out like an unfocused camera trying to capture a moving object. Gripping onto a fence post for support Connor steadied himself. He couldn't pass out. Not here. Not now. It wouldn't be good.

A shrill but quiet ringing was filling his ears as his vision blackened then lit up again in a cycle. This was the worst it had happened so far. He could feel the panic rising in his chest as he tried to compose himself dreading passing out in the middle of a public street.

Connor knew if he began to panic he'd start hyperventilating and have a panic attack, which in turn would starve his brain of the oxygen it so desperately needed right now therefore make his passing out inevitable.

Slowly he raised his water bottle to his lips taking a sip of the ice cold water. He breathed slowly grounding himself using his grounding techniques. Counting backwards from 25 either out loud or in his head had always worked best for Connor. He'd tried doing sensory grounding techniques but they'd always overwhelmed him more.

Gradually his vision began to clear again, this time he waited until it was fully back to normal with no sign of dizziness before restarting the treck back home. By the time he'd made it to his house it was mid morning. Considering how early he'd set off Connor knew his dizzy spells had caused him to stay out longer than usual.

"Morning sweetie" Mrs Johnson whispered softly as Connor emerged through the front door.

"Hi" Connor replied quietly giving his mother a soft smile.

"I'm just about to make lunch, what would you like?" She asked as Connor slid his trainers off placing them gently on the shoe rack.

Connor glanced up at her blankly as his mind went into a panic. "Cheese? Tuna? Jam?" Mrs Johnson prompted noticing her son's uncertainty.

"I'm not hungry" Connor muttered in response then turned and headed up the stairs. He quickly entered the bathroom shutting the door quietly. He then stepped onto the ever so familiar scales. That still had the batteries in of course.

46.2kg. So down by around 0.3kg. That was progress but it didn't feel quick enough for Connor. Despite the fact he'd managed to avoid eating completely along with going for a run the stupid number hadn't changed much.

As he stepped off the scales a knock sounded at the door.

"One sec" he warned softly his head darting to the bathroom door, the lock on it had broken a few weeks ago so he was always anxious someone would burst in on him.

"I'll leave your meds outside" Harry called back and the faint sound of a glass clinking filled the quiet air.

After Harry's footsteps had faded away Connor slowly opened the door, he spotted a small glass with his antidepressants placed inside. Connor cupped them delicately in his hands considering for a brief moment taking them before changing his mind.

Quickly he entered his room placing the pills gently in a small cardboard box that his Mom thought he just kept coins in. He then slumped down on his bed bracing himself for the rest of the day. A single, salty tear attempted to grace its way onto Connor's face but he held it back putting on a brave face. Crying was weak in his opinion, but only if it was him crying.

He slowly shut his eyes deciding he needed a nap for a while, it had already been a long day and he hadn't slept well before. Soon Connor's breathing relaxed and his sapphire blue eyes were tightly shut in a deep, tranquil sleep.