A love that is ours

3. Maybe, just maybe

Hanni

Maybe, just maybe.

I wouldn't be sobbing in the bathroom right now, as my heart ached in ways it never has. Why was it hurting so much? Why were tears steaming down without end? Why was I loosing control of myself?

And maybe, just maybe.

I wouldn't have been here at all. If it wasn't because I kept insisting so much to come to the 10th year high school reunion, me and Heesung would be in the U.S right now.

And I wouldn't be staying back while he leaves for six months to take care of his business and then comes back to pick me up.

What was I thinking? What was going through my mind? I knew that coming back here was going to be messy. Especially with how small my friend group was. Along with the woman I once shared love with.

I want a truck to run me over at full speed, that'd feel better than this emotional pain I can't bear any longer. I could hear Danielle yelling at me to open the door, but I couldn't find myself to do so. I wanted to sit on the ground until everything went numb.

I could hear Heesung begging me to open the door too, but I didn't want to see him right now. I love him, I really do but now is the moment I realize that my heart has always never truly been his. It was split in half and I never saw it.

And I'm hating myself once more.

Why did I have to see her tonight? Everything would've gone better if I would've seen her in some other way, not having to bump in to her quite literally as the surprise only let our emotions go wild.

Minji.

Kim Minji, she isn't the woman I once remembered her to be and maybe that's what is killing me right now. Did my leave hurt her so much that she stopped taking care of herself? She looked horrible and it kept poking at my heart.

I could only keep crying as I hugged my knees tightly. The way her eyes looked at me when I told her I was married just seems to keep doing it for me. She couldn't believe what I was saying.

I had managed to keep out memories locked up at some place inside my mind, never daring to let them out. But she broke that chain, the sound of her voice snapped it fully.

Memories after memories kept flashing before my eyes and I could only let out a sob of pain as the happy little memories started to chew at my heart. They were messing with my head and heart.

I felt conflicted with what I was feeling. Not knowing what to do, a part of me wanting to get out the bathroom and look for her and the other part of me wanting to be in Heesung's  arms so that I could fall asleep and forget this whole bad dream.

I was feeling so drained. I felt as if I was being consumed by my own thoughts and memories, they were sucking me in to a black hole that I wouldn't be able to get out of once I got in.

And it's all because of her.

I swore that I had moved on, that if I ever got to see her again, I wouldn't feel a single thing for her. That I would be happy and perfectly fine.

But, do I look fine? No. I'm not even the tiniest bit of fine right now.

"Hanni!" This time my body froze again, did she come back? "Open the door, it's me Minji." She still cares as she was the one clearly banging on the door now with full force as of trying to break it down.

"What are you doing here? Leave my wife alone, she's in here because of you!" I heard Heesung yell at her and I felt my breath halt when it went silent for a couple of seconds, I wonder what Minji's reaction is knowing I'm married to Heesung.

"That's exactly why I'm here, I'm only trying to help and make it up if I hurt her." She said, banging on the door again. "Minji, leave." Heesung said and that's when I suddenly had the force to stand up. I didn't want her to leave.

"I'm not leaving until she gets out of there, so that I can see she's okay." Minji said. God, could Minji...Is there a chance Minji still loves me?

I opened the door to be met with a Minji on one side and Heesung on the other right about ready to throw a punch at her.

"Heesung!" I blurted out and he quickly turned to look at me, the worry and concern splashing on his face as he came to me and grabbed my face.

"Are you okay, love?" He asked as he kept looking all over me to make sure I wasn't hurt but I couldn't keep my eyes off Minji who was looking away. I watched her lean towards Danielle to tell her something, Danielle shook her head and her eyes pleaded something to Minji.

Minji gave me a slight glance, a small smile appearing on her face knowing I was okay but her eyes were so distant now.

And as her smile faded, she did too. She was slowly disappearing in the crowd again. I wanted to call out her name to make her stay.

Maybe, just maybe, I would if Heesung didn't have me in his hold, promising me that he'd keep Minji away from me. Promising me that I would be alright.

And of course, keeping Minji away from me was the right thing to do but I didn't want him to, I wanted Minji to stay, even if it was from a distance.

When I looked back at where she once stood, my heart was aching again. I wanted to lock myself up in the bathroom again. Wanting to be alone, far away from him.

My mind and heart were indecisive of what I wanted right now. I wanted to be in Heesung's arms, right? But why did I want him to let go of me? I could feel my soul leaving my body and chasing after her while my body stayed in his embrace, crying once again.

I shouldn't be feeling like this, I shouldn't! I forgot her and what we once had. She's supposed to mean nothing! But why was she breaking me apart this way? Why was seeing her the one thing that tore me apart?

Watching her leave hurt: me the most. But why?

"Let's go, love." Heesung said, I wanted to refuse but I couldn't bring myself to speak at all. My body was pressed against him as he walked us through the crowd.

My eyes looking everywhere in hopes of finding her, completely ignoring the people that stared at me with concern and worry.

I could feel my heart racing as I couldn't find her, did she truly leave this time? Would I ever see her again? Did I want to? Was that what I wanted?

I told myself a hundred of times that I wouldn't care, but here I was. Panic coursing through me as my eyes couldn't find her.

Until they did.

At the corner of the room, there she stood. Looking at me with glossy eyes, showing that she was in much pain as I was. I kept looking at her as Heesung guided us to the exit. Her eyes never daring to look away. Worry and care were written all over her eyes and I wanted to tell her that I was okay, but I couldn't lie to her. I wasn't.

It was until we exited through the doors that I realized, and how couldn't I have noticed it? How was I so blind?

Maybe, just maybe, I was still in love with her.

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