A love that is ours

12. Hot and cold

Minji

She was hot and cold.

I don't understand her one bit, one moment she's hugging me and asking me to stay and then the next she was being the meanest woman alive to me.

Sometimes I wish she could just understand me, like just a bit. I was worried for her, we didn't necessarily end at bad terms, I always wondered, why couldn't she just text me back once? Maybe, it would've changed things so much.

Maybe I am the stupid one that doesn't seem to let her go, but how could I? We shared a lot of memories, memories that might've never meant anything to her.

She didn't even know if she even loved me.

Could've it meant nothing to her?

That tore me apart like nothing else she's ever said to me. She could curse me out, hit me, and push me around but it wouldn't hurt as much as that. What did I do wrong?

Did I not love her right? Did I make a mistake and it took her away from me? But we all know who truly took her away from me. And I feel so defeated knowing it.

I'm not even trying to win her back, I wouldn't go that low, she's married as I have full respect of that. But I just want one conversation with her, one where I could finally get the closure I need.

I can't with all of these mixed signals. I just want her to be honest, to herself and not me. The only reason why I keep coming back to her is because it's so clear that she's trying to convince herself. I don't even know about what though.

She yells it out and it tears me to hear such harsh words, but a part of me always knew that it was a lie. A lie that she can't admit, not now, not ever.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to be met with my lovely sister, Haerin. "Minji, let's go home." She offered but I didn't want to, I didn't want to see Hanni after what she had said.

I may deal with all of it, but it doesn't mean my heart isn't broken.

"What did she see in him, Haerin? That man is sick! He took advantage of the fact that Hanni wouldn't stay, not even for me! He knew all along." I rambled as I took another big gulp of the beer in my hand. I completely ignored the music playing in the small bar that I seem to be a regular in.

"Minji, stop thinking of her, please. And please stop drinking." Haerin said and I shook my head at her. "I don't understand her, did she lie to me everytime she said she loved me?" Haerin furrowed her eyebrows at me confused. Oh, right! She didn't hear what Hanni had said.

"Can you believe she doesn't know if she loved me or not when we were together!" I said with sarcasm lacing my voice. "After everything, it's a maybe she did or she didn't love me. It really hurts, you know?" I said, looking down at the bracelet Hanni has failed to see so many times. The same old bracelet she gave me days prior to her leave.

"I thought our moments were real, that they were true. But I guess it was only me." I said with a bitter smile on my face. I could feel Haerin rubbing my back as she laid her head on the back of my shoulder.

"Minji stop all of this, you're only going to hurt yourself." She said, I gave her a nod. "I'll point the gun to my head just to be able to get a single moment with her again." I said and I felt Haerin shake her head.

"Just a moment of honesty, I want her to look at me in the eye and shout at me that she never loved me so that she could finally close the door to my heart shut with her own hands." I said.

"Let her go." I froze, let her go? Maybe that was the most logical thing I could've done since the start. But could you truly blame a woman who was so in love with the person she swore was her life partner?

She took my love with her ten years ago, and she doesn't plan on giving me an ounce of it back. She took my life as well, and that's completely lost. She gave everything I gave her to that lying prick.

I thought that I was doing right by waiting for her. That I wasn't being some crazy person that she would come back. And she did, not in the way I expected. Even though I knew it all along. I just didn't seem to accept it.

Not until she was truly, Lee Hanni.

And even then, I can't let go of her.

"You know where I went all of these years?" I asked Haerin who shook her head at my question. "I went abroad! Can you believe it? I was literally just a couple of miles away from her. Until I graduated and found a job out of the city we were in." I said and Haerin came to stand next to me.

"You knew about her and Heesung all along?" And I nodded. "But! Wasn't I stupid to believe that what she had with him was temporary because she was alone? I was so wrong." I said, suddenly grabbing Haerin and bringing her in to a hug as I sobbed.

"She seemed to be so happy, I couldn't storm in to her life, right? Not even with how much I was dying to just hear her voice, to get the smallest whiff of her perfume, to have her touch on me once more. To have her ramble and nonstop talk about something she saw throughout her day. I missed it and badly." I said, just letting Haerin hold me in a way I would've never let her ten years ago.

"I feel so defeated, Hae. He won, he took everything from me. He wiped me clean with nothing to give. He swore on his own life that one day Hanni would be his, and now guess what, she is married to him!" I said and Haerin could only rub my back to try and comfort me.

"He ruined me. And I hated knowing that he was on that plane with her, knowing that Hanni would no longer be mine." I said and Haerin only tried to shush me.

"I just hope that one day, she'd see that I meant no harm to her marriage. All I wanted was to talk to her for an hour or so, so that I could tell her the truth about him." I said.

"What do you mean?" Haerin asked and I let out a sigh. Why doesn't she know anything! Ugh!

"That son of a bitch is literally cheating on her at this instant, right now, like at this moment precisely. He didn't go back for no business trip, he has a whole other woman. A woman that is nothing compared to Hanni." I said and Haerin didn't say anything for a couple of seconds.

"How do you know that?" She asked and I let out a giggle. The alcohol was definitely doing its thing now. "I may have or have not been in my little stalker era. I was only looking out for her!" I said. "You left me here alone just to go stalk her?" She asked and I felt a tug at my heart with the way she said it.

"I'm sorry, but we both know the true reason. I was breaking you apart. I couldn't handle it." I said and she let out a sigh I barely heard.

"You could've stayed."

So could've she.

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