A love that is ours

17. Self reflections

Hanni

With Minji's help, I managed to get divorced from Heesung. It was all over with him, I don't even love him anymore. How did I manage to fall in love with him? The warning flashes were always there but I decided to ignore them. That was my biggest mistake, and I regret it so much.

"You okay?" I turned to look at Minji who stood by the open door. I was outside at the patio, taking in the dark night. After everything, I just feel so empty.

"Yeah." I answered and Minji let out a sigh as she completely walked out to the patio and closed the door behind her, making her way to me on the couch that was there.

"You don't look okay." She said and I gave her a playful glare. "So you're saying I look horrible? Such a kind thing for you to say, Minji." I said with sarcasm and Minji let out a chuckle.

"You know what I mean, Hanni." She said, sitting down next to me and looking up at the spot on the sky that I can't seem to look away from.

She took a deep breath as she looked away from the sky and turned to look at me. "I know you're hurting, Hanni. But keeping to yourself isn't good for you." I heard Minji say and I let out a hum. Partially listening to her. I hated her being so nice to me and supportive, loving me even when I did wrong. I don't deserve it.

And that's on some self reflections.

"After everything, I just don't know how to feel. I'm supposed to be heartbroken, my marriage of ten years was completely destroyed by the man that promised me to protect it. And then there's you." I whispered the last part but Minji still heard it.

"Do I make you feel uncomfortable?" She asked and I let out a breathy sigh as I shook my head at her.

"It's just...I don't know." I said as I looked away from the sky and looked down at my hands. Minji didn't question further.

It was silent for a while, Minji was offering me her company as in a way of comforting me, without pushing the topic.

"I made a mistake." I said, breaking the silence. Minji turned to look at me a bit confused. "I made the biggest mistake of my life, and it was choosing him." I said and Minji only shook her head at me as she scooted closer to me.

"We all make mistakes, Hanni. And sometimes we make them so that we could learn from them. Don't beat yourself up over him. You're only human, Hanni. You're a woman who just wants love." And when she said the last part I turned to look at her.

She's literally so much more different from him, in the best way possible. How could I have forgotten about her? How did I do this to her?

"And you should know that, Hanni. No human should be judged upon by their mistakes." She said and I shook my head at her. "You only say that because you love me, Minji." I said and Minji looked away from me.

"I truly mean it, from the bottom of my heart as your friend." She said. I looked away from her and looked back up at the sky.

"I did you so wrong, Minji. How can you just sit here next to me and act as if I hadn't broken your heart?" I asked, not daring to look at her, not even a glance her way.

"To answer your question, I'm also just a human being that doesn't see the purpose of holding anything against someone. Yes, you broke my heart but it doesn't mean I'll kick you out of my life completely. I'll only do what is possible so that we could both move on at our own pace. And I know that it might be too late for us now." She said and I could only feel worse about this all.

She's the sweetest and kindest woman out there. She didn't deserve for me to break her heart the way I did. I was so mean to her. She deserved someone be tee than me.

"I didn't deserve you at all." I whispered and looked up at her. Her eyes were looking at me softly and I could only feel my heart breaking even more. How was I so stupid?

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Hanni. You're only going to hurt yourself more if you do. Plus, it's past. You also have to understand that I forgave you, Hanni. There nothing for you to be beating yourself up for." She said and I could feel that she was about to stand up and leave. I didn't want her to.

I denied myself from her long enough. And right now all I need is her by my side.

"But why would you forgive me? Someone else wouldn't have forgiven me." I said and Minji let out another sigh. "Hanni, I could never have been able to stay mad at you. Maybe I just have a soft spot for you, or it's either the way I was raised. Forgiving is the key to happiness, it's something my mom taught me before she passed away." Minji said and I could only look away from her.

"You have to forgive yourself, Hanni. And maybe then, a chapter for us as friends could truly start." Minji said with a smile forming on her lips.

Friends. How could she force herself to just being my friend? But she's done it this whole time, what's the difference?

"Sometimes I do wonder what it would've been like of you would've stayed." Minji said, I looked over at her and there was this longing look in her eyes. "I wonder if it would've been me, who you married." I could feel tears swelling in my eyes.

"Or maybe things would've been the same as now, me and you as friends. I really don't know." She said. And I knew that what I was going to say next would change everything but I'm curious and my heart craves it.

"Is that what we will ever be? Just friends?" I asked. It was risky, but a part of me wanted to know what her answer would be. "Maybe it wouldn't work out, I'm still heavily in love with you. But it won't be any more than that because you don't feel the way I do. If you ever find someone else, it'll be my ticket to leave. I wouldn't be able to stand it." She said.

"What if I don't want us to be friends?" I asked and Minji seemed to be taken back. "Then I can keep my distance, or I don't know. I'll figure something out for us to get by." I rolled my eyes at her playfully. Did she not understand what I meant?

"That's not what I meant, Minji. What if I want more than that? What if just being friends isn't what I want?" Minji looked at me in surprise. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes had widened, her mouth hung open.

"What do you mean?" She asked confused. "I always tried to push back those feelings I felt for you, because I was married and it wasn't right to feel that way. But now I'm not. My feelings get to roam freely, and there's no shame in having them." Minji's eyebrows furrowed still trying to comprehend.

"In short, I might still love you, Minji. And I'd want to act upon my feelings." Minji shook her head at me. "You told Danielle you weren't even sure if you ever loved me, Hanni. Please don't play with my heart like this, I wouldn't be able to take it." And I felt my heart drop.

"Minji, I was angry at the world. I was letting out my frustration that day and said a whole bunch of nonsense that I know hurt you." I said and Minji looked away from me.

My angered words have caught up to me and making Minji doubt me. But it's fair, I shouldn't have ever doubted what I had felt for her to begin with.

"I can't let you break my heart again." She said, a little too unsure. "I wouldn't do that." I said and Minji still looked completely unsure.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

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