The Love We Deserve - Azriel x OC

What a silly question

I sat opposite Elaine cautiously, feeling Nesta's eyes on me like a wolf, ready to strike.

"Elaine?" she didn't turn at her name, and I touched her cheek gently, searching for any sort of reaction. "Can you hear me?"

She seemed to be muttering under her breath, but I couldn't hear her words, eyes devoid of anything.

"How long has she been like this?" I turned to Nesta who stood next to the chair.

"Since she woke up. She talked about this bird of fire for a while, and a queen that entered the cauldron after us." She held my curious gaze "apparently it gave her immortality but took away her youth."

"Whatever you took from it, it clearly wasn't happy" I mused, worry seeping through me at both of their states. They were thin, way too thin. So, they weren't eating, which means they're not adjusting or accepting what had happened. "come on, we're going out"

"what-we can't just leave" Nesta stumbled over her words and I coaxed Elaine up.

"oh course we can, who's stopping us?"

I guided them into the other room where Feyre and Amren sat drinking tea.

"we're going out for lunch" I told them, and the shadows that lurked in the corner.

"do you want me to-"

"-we'll be fine" I assured Fey "we'll see you back at the house later"

"How did it feel for you?"

Nesta and I both looked at Elaine as she spoke. Her brown eyes bore into mine with a ghost of emotion running through them.

"The cauldron?" I asked gently and she nodded. My eyes drifted to the window, thinking back to the pitch black. "Like death. It felt like eternity, an eternity of cold. And I could hear people, Aiden. There was a light and his laughter-" I broke off with a pained sigh "-but then the pain came back, and it pulled me away from the light until I was falling."

"you didn't see what he did to you before you went in." Nesta said, her eyes running over me, face pale "you- you looked like you were dead. You were torn apart"

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. Either of you." My head bowed "I'll spend my life making it up to you"

Nesta took a deep breath but Elaine was the one who rested her hands over mine.

"you tried. You fought for us." She spoke, "you almost died for us. Feyre told us that you carried Nesta, brought us here, almost killing yourself in the process" her eyes lined silver "I know we've never seen eye to eye, and maybe we don't deserve to be helped. But please" she begged, Nesta wouldn't look at me now, but the message was clear. They didn't know what to do.

"you have to let them help you" I urged "I promise you they're good people, really good. I-" the words lodged in my throat and I pressed my lips together "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm as new to this as you are. But we have to learn from them now, you understand? We've changed. And we're never going back."

"I just-" Elaine's lip wobbled "I want to go home"

Nesta put her arm around her shoulders and I watched them sadly.

"Home isn't the place. It's the people" I told them gently "you have each other, you have your sister. And she's trying to help you, because she's scared for you. You're not eating. You're not taking care of yourselves. This is no better than what I did, you understand me? You're killing yourselves. Is that what you want? Death? Like it was in the cauldron?"

"of course not" Nesta snapped and I was glad to see that fire in her.

"then make the effort. I know how you feel, truly I do." I said, leaning forward so they both looked at me "I'll make the effort if you do. I will be there, we can forget the bad blood between us. I'll help all I can, but I need you to try. Not for me, but for you"

Elaine looked to Nesta, the elder looking at me intensely and I didn't shy away from her gaze until she nodded.

"Fine. we'll try"

A smile teased my lips.

"that's all I wanted to hear"

I had to concentrate to winnow us back to the house of wind, stumbling slightly as we landed in the living room, the others sprawled out across the space.

"You're back" Feyre straightened from where she was cuddled into Rhys and I stifled a yawn behind my hand, collapsing onto the sofa between the two Illyrians.

"maybe we could talk?" Elaine offered quietly and Fey nodded quickly, shooting me a look and I wiggled my eyebrows.

"play nice kids" I teased after them, smirking at Nesta's vulgar gesture.

"what did you do?" Rhys asked, sitting forward with interest once they were out of ear shot "we've been trying for weeks to get them to talk"

"we have a shared experience" I reminded carefully "the cauldron it-its hard to describe what it's like. Being inside there. what it's done to us" I looked down at my hands, remembering the blinding light that had poured out of me, the pressure. "it's going to take time. but they promised to try"

"did she say anything about it?" Cassian asked "what she felt?"

"who Nesta?" my eyes studied him and he quickly turned stoic, not letting a shed of emotion through. I leant towards him curiously before Azriel placed a hand on my shoulder.

"she'll tell you when she's ready. I won't discuss what we talk about because it wouldn't be fair to her. Give her time Cass"

The male sighed with a nod.

"what do you need?"

I paused at my door, turning to Azriel who had accompanied me.

"what?" my head tilted on its own accord, breathing him in.

"what do you need?" he repeated, his eyes something soft "how can I help you?"

"I don't need-"

"-you promised to try"

"you were listening" I said, and he nodded.

"I-" my mind reeled "I don't know what I need."

The whispered admission had the hole in my chest aching, familiar numbness creeping over me.

Azriel stepped forward until he was close enough, I had to look up to meet his eyes. His wings drew close, siphons glowing blue in the dimly lit corridor.

"I won't let you go back to sinking. I swear to you" his head bowed, hand resting over his heart. "let me help"

"what if you can't help me? What if I'm beyond help?"

He shook his head, hand reaching up to tuck my hair behind my pointed ear carefully.

"you're not. But it's time you let someone else in, to take care of you"

"I've done so many things Azriel" my eyes traced the curves of his shoulders, the hard muscles covered by soft material "I fought wars, killed and saved many people. And now this-" I met his gaze "this could be it. this could be the breaking point because whatever this is now, it's- it's out of my control"

"Do you trust me?"

What a silly question.

"I would die for you." I answered without hesitation, and I heard his heart thud loudly.

"you already did" his scarred thumb smoothed across my cheek tentatively and my eyes closed with a sigh, leaning into his touch. "let me take care of you"

"okay"