Stray Kids Oneshots Collection (Smut & Fluff)

40 ¦ Not insane.

Warnings: Derealisation episode, Depersonalization episode, Mental breakdown, disconnection disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Intrusive Thoughts

Ship: Felix / Bang Chan

Words: 900

Summary: "Not insane" Chan repeats out loud, gulping as he watches Felix nod. "That's right. You're my hyung, remember? You're the sweetest, kindest man to ever exist. You really like doing music. Do you believe me?"

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I am not insane.

I am not insane.

I am not insane.

Insane.

Fuck, I'm insane.

"Channie?"

His gaze lifts from where he has been staring. He doesn't even know how long he has been zoning out, it's actually a coincidence for him to back out of it so suddenly.

He sees Felix standing before him, a bit hesitant, his hand lingering at the doorframe. He steps closer, just to set a foot in the room. Chan's headache continues to ram against his brainwalls, preventing his sight to focus properly.

Chan doesn't feel the need to say anything. He just watches the blonde before him scan his crouched figure. He sees Felix's brain rattling and trying to think of something. The way his eyebrows knit and eyes slim explains it all.

Insane.

Chan grits his teeth, heavy breaths leaving his lips as he barely manages to inhale properly. He pushes his knees to his chest, as the man before him comes even closer. "I'm not", he voices, and a shiver runs through his body in that moment. He notices Felix's eyes expanding a little. "What'd you say, Channie?"

The younger kneels before him, he is now eye to eye. Chan feels like his lungs are getting locked up from the way he is pressing himself deeper into the corner he is hiding in. Too much, too much, too much, he hears echoing from somewhere and it's making it difficult for him to think. He needs to disappear, he concludes, but the room is too big to do that. His apartment is too big, Seoul is too big. His brain feels like it's working to swell into the walls. He's going insane.

Blinking, he opens his mouth. "Not insane". It came out of a whisper, Chan notices. He winces as Felix raises an arm to touch his hand covering his ear. "You can hear me, right?"

"Kind of" he mumbles, still pressing firmly against the shells of his ears with both hands, as Felix gently tugs at them. That way, he feels like he can make sure his mind won't slip away.

"Okay", he hears, Felix's lips are kind of moving upwards. The younger is trying to smile, but the frown on his forehead doesn't let him fully.

"Channie, you're okay. You are fine", Felix speaks, as he meets his eyes. "You're not insane. I know something is telling you that, but it's not true. Try not to listen, okay?"

Not insane.

I'm ins-

"Not insane" he repeats out loud, gulping as he watches Felix nod. "That's right. You're my hyung, remember? You're the sweetest, kindest man to ever exist. You really like doing music. Do you believe me?"

Chan's fingers are now only slightly thumbing over his earlobes. The sounds around him aren't as loud as before. He lets his other hand fall to his side. Felix, takes it in his.

"You're good Channie. Such a good boy" the latter whispers, warming his hand with both of his by softly massaging it. When Chan looks down at it, they seem real. Still a little too distant to seem real, but real enough for him to remain calm.

"Felix" he gasps, as he locks eyes with the younger. He feels wetness cover his vision, and then tears fall over his waterline. The latter hums and brings him to his arms. In the embrace, Chan thinks it's now easier to breathe. He is being held, he is secure and safe. Chan's breaths become staccato-like, as he spills his inner conflict in the room's silence. His head is placed against the blonde's collar bones, the steady heartbeat is clearly notable from the closeness.

From quiet whines it becomes to puffed cries, and Chan can't help to leave loud noises and sobs. His entire body shakes through it, as his own chest clenches and longs for a halt. In need of a stop, for everything that is making him feel this way.

"Baby, Channie", Felix quivers, his voice ringing through the many wails. Felix is beginning to rock him, as he gently pulls him closer on his lap. The motions soothe him a little, making him forget what has been going on for the time being.

Droplets of rain thump rhythmically against the window above them. Felix's hand is moving up and down on Chan's back, while he is drawing small circles against the older's chest. The vibrations of his humming silence his mind. Chan's headache is long gone now.

Felix's quiet singing sounds like the ocean. It reminds him of when he was a kid and played at the shore of the beach in Australia. When the warmth of the sun never bothered him or the stickiness of the sand against his legs wasn't overwhelming. Chan liked those moments. Carefree, in his own world.

Singing lullabies or peaceful melodies is easy for Felix. He simply follows the rhythm of Chan's heart, aligns it with his breathing. And when Chan almost doesn't seem to breathe, he stops; because that's when he is calm.

"I love you, Channie" he murmurs, and places his lips against his temple. Chan huffs lightly in his sleep, but his expression looks as untroubled as ever. Felix can't help but smile - it's the best thing to see him like this.

Because when Chan is asleep, he is not aware. And when he is not aware, his mind is at peace.