A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓕𝓲𝓿𝓮

You, Klaus, and Violet walk up Count Olaf’s front steps. You’re walking slowly due to the fact you and Klaus are weighed down with grocery bags, and Violet is weighed down with Sunny.

As Violet opens the door with her free hand, she asks, “Klaus, what’s that thing James Brown said?”

“‘I feel good,’” Count Olaf supplies as he runs down the stairs. An accordion starts playing, and he continues running down the hallway, yelling, “And a one, and a two, and a…” he goes into the dining room, shutting the doors behind him.

“It’s the count, it’s the count, it’s the count,” a group standing at the top of the stairs begins to sing. “It’s the count, it’s the count, it’s the count!”

Count Olaf bursts through the dining room doors wearing a cheap costume cape, then leads what you assume is his acting troupe through what’s probably the worst musical performances you’ve ever seen.

At the end, he poses dramatically on the bottom stair with his troupe filling up the steps behind him.

You and your siblings stare at them in confusion.

“The count,” Count Olaf repeats feebly.

“...Yes, we’ve met,” Violet says slowly.

Count Olaf sighs, and opens his mouth to say something, but all that comes out is a sharp breath. He holds up a finger signaling you to wait as he takes several deep breaths. When he’s done, he finally gets his words out.

“Orphans…” he clears his throat. “This is my theatre troupe.”

“Hi,” they all chorus.

“And as anyone in the theatre knows,” Count Olaf continues, “after a grand entrance, the audience is supposed to applaud.”

You and your siblings glance at each other. You and Klaus hit your grocery bags against each other, creating a makeshift applause.

“Can we go prepare your large meal now?” you ask with barely concealed annoyance.

“You haven’t made it already? What are we supposed to do until you have?” he interrogates.

“We could wait patiently,” a member of his troupe who looks like neither a man nor a woman suggests.

“How about some wine, Olaf?” a large, bald man offers.

Thankfully, Count Olaf relents. “Alright. I’ll open up the box of Merlot.”

He and his troupe retreat into the dining room, and you and your siblings go to the kitchen. You and Klaus set the ingredients down on the counter, and Violet puts Sunny on a chair next to it. Despite the fact that none of you have ever had any catering experience, you get to work right away.

“This pasta maker reminds me of the one built by Thomas Jefferson,” Violet observes as she places it on the counter.

“Will it work?” Klaus asks as he cracks some eggs into a bowl.

Violet gives the crank an aggressive pull, and the pasta machine makes a worrisome crunching sound. But the next time she spins the crank, it moves almost soundlessly. “It will now.”

You fasten the beaters into the mixer. “I wonder if Count Olaf’s troupe will enjoy this meal.”

“Mother said that actors will eat anything,” Violet responds.

“You’ve seen them perform. Would you call them actors?” Klaus questions.

“They’re all as talented as Count Olaf,” Violet says dryly.