A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝔀𝓮𝓵𝓿𝓮

“It’s a brand new part of your lives, Baudelaires,” Mr. Poe says cheerily, glancing at the rearview mirror. “In a few minutes you’ll be meeting Dr. Montgomery, your closest living relative who apparently should have been your guardian all along. I’m beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly-dressed consultant who showed up with no references and no identification and suggested I place you in the care of Count Olaf.”

“Tee da,” Sunny babbles, which means, “You’re a disgrace to your profession.”

You roll your lips together to stop yourself from laughing.

“My recently rehired secretary Jacquelyn thinks Count Olaf is still at large, but I don’t think he’ll be able to find you all the way out here.” Mr. Poe glances out the window. “Oh, look, there’s a conveniently placed and easy-to-read sign for Lousy Lane.”

You raise an eyebrow, wondering how Mr. Poe ever made it as far as he has in the banking world — you thought bankers have to be intelligent. Silence falls over the car after that, until it’s broken a few minutes later as Klaus begins to cough.

“Oh, what– what is that smell?” He clears his throat, trying to get rid of it.

“It’s ginger, I believe,” Mr. Poe says through a series of coughs. “W– we’re here.”

As you and your siblings will later learn, the smell is not from ginger, but horseradish. Lousy Lane once produced apples so sour one only had to look at them to feel ill. Now, the road surrounds a horseradish factory, and it causes the entire area to smell bitter and strong.

Mr. Poe makes the turn onto Dr. Montgomery’s driveway. It’s a long stretch of pavement lined on either side by hedges trimmed to look like snakes. The long driveway curves into a circle as it stops directly in front of the house, which is a square, two-story building. It’s not that small, but it’s dwarfed by the large glass dome rising up from behind the house.

“How is Dr. Montgomery related to us?” you ask.

“He is your… late father’s cousin’s wife’s brother. That probably explains why you’ve never met him.”

“Oo va lee lalo eh,” Sunny says, which means, “But it doesn’t explain why we’re being sent to live with him.”

Mr. Poe parks directly in front of the door, at the head of the circle. Ordinarily, you’d think that would be an inconvenience, but you’re not sure anybody else is rushing to come way out here.

“What should we call him?” Violet asks as you climb out of the car. “I mean, he’s not exactly our uncle.”

“Well, you can call him Dr. Montgomery, unless he asks you to call him by his first name, in which case you’ll call him Montgomery.”

“His name is Montgomery Montgomery?” Klaus frowns.

“Yes. Yes. And I’m sure he’s very sensitive about that, so don’t ridicule him. ‘Ridicule’ means ‘tease’.”

“We know what ‘ridicule’ means.”

You climb up the front porch steps, and Mr. Poe rings the doorbell.

“I hope Dr. Montgomery is a decent person,” Violet hopes.

The wide green door swings open.

“Hello, hello, hello. You must be the Baudelaires.” A man who you assume is Dr. Montgomery crouches down so he’s level with you and your siblings, all the while balancing a tray on his arm.