A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂-𝓢𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷

“Hello, I’m Larry Your-Waiter. Welcome to the Anxious Clown Restaurant, where everybody has a good time whether they like it or not.” The waiter puts some menus on the table as he continues to talk so fast you can barely understand what he’s saying. “I can see we have a whole family lunching together today, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer. It’s a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce.”

“Well, that sounds wonderful!” Count Olaf exclaims. “Extra Fun Family Special Appetizer for an extra special family. Mine.”

“I’ll just have a glass of water, thank you,” Violet says.

“I’ll have water as well, please,” you request.

“Same for me. And a glass of ice cubes for my baby sister, please,” Klaus adds.

“I’ll have a cup of coffee with non-dairy creamer,” Mr. Poe orders.

“Oh, no, Poe,” Count Olaf rejects. “Let’s share a nice bottle of red wine.”

“Oh, no thanks, Captain Sham. I don’t drink during banking hours.”

“But it’s a celebratory brunch!” Count Olaf insists. “We should have a toast. After all, it’s not every day that a man becomes a father of three children.”

You and your siblings share a four-way glance.

“Please, Sham, it’s heartening to know that you’re glad to raise the children, but you must understand that the children lost their Aunt Josephine, and they’re rather upset.”

“I’m upset too,” Count Olaf says quickly. “I’m probably more upset. Josephine was my… uh… my oldest and dearest friend.”

“You met her yesterday at the town market and petting zoo,” Klaus says.

“It really does seem like yesterday, but actually it was many years ago. We met at cooking school, when we were oven partners in the Advanced Baking Course.”

Violet leans forward. “You weren’t oven partners. Aunt Josephine was afraid of turning on an oven.”

Count Olaf ignores her. “Soon, we became fast friends. And then one day she said to me, ‘If I ever adopt some orphans and then meet an untimely death, promise me you will raise them as if they were your own.’ Of course, I agreed, but I had no idea I would have to keep that promise.” He closes out the story with some fake crying.

“Josephine is dead?” Larry the waiter asks.

“Yes,” Count Olaf tells him, crying noises immediately vanishing. “Josephine Anwhistle jumped out the window of her own home last night.”

“I… didn’t realize that this was a sad occasion. In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up Cheeseburger. The pickles, mustard, and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger. So make sure you look inside before you eat it.” Larry stares straight at you and your siblings as he says the last sentence.

“Well, that’s a wonderful idea,” Olaf agrees. “Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers for everyone, Larry!”

He motions for Larry to go back into the kitchen. As he leaves, you look around the restaurant. The whole place is aggressively clown-themed. Decor, tables, chairs, walls, even Larry’s outfit. It’s making you anxious.

“Now, I want to emphasize that the Baudelaire fortune is off-limits until Violet comes of age,” Mr. Poe emphasizes.

“What fortune? I don’t know about any fortune.”