A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝓱𝓲𝓻𝓽𝔂

Arms wrap around you and your siblings as the hook-handed man steps from the shadows.

Count Olaf gestures with his pipe as he continues talking. “You can stop faking your death and running away and rescuing each other and making me ferry around this godforsaken lake searching for you.”

“Parenting is exhausting,” the henchperson of indeterminate gender chimes in.

“You’re not our parent and you never will be!” Violet shouts.

Count Olaf smirks. “On the contrary, Mr. Poe is putting the finishing touches on your adoption paperwork at this very moment. In just a few hours, you will be Violet, Klaus, Millie, and Sunny Sham.”

“When we explain that you forced Aunt Josephine to write that note, Mr. Poe will tear those adoption papers into a thousand pieces!” Klaus argues.

“And who is Mr. Poe going to believe?” Count Olaf assumes his Captain Sham voice as he says: “The owner of a respectable lakeside rental agency,” then returns to his regular voice as he says, “or four runaway pip-squeaks who go around stealing boats?”

“We only stole that boat to rescue Aunt Josephine from Curdled Cave, which you forced her to hide in!” you argue. “But now that we have her back, she can tell everyone about your terrible plan.”

Count Olaf opens his mouth to say something, but changes his mind and looks at Josephine instead. “Is this true?”

“Uh-huh,” she squeaks.

“You were going to betray me?” Count Olaf slowly begins to walk towards her. “After all those years we spent together? After all those picnics by the shore? After all of those shredded beef tamales I served to your husband? After all of the secrets we had shared?”

With every word, Aunt Josephine shrinks into herself a little more, trying to make herself as small as possible as Count Olaf backs her into the railing of the boat. But when Count Olaf mentions secrets, her resolve changes. To your surprise, she straightens up, lifting her chin.

“Yes! I was going to betray you, and these four children gave me the courage to do so! Ever since their parents were killed, they have been so fierce and formidable, again and again escaping from your clutches. And what have I done all these years? Nothing but hide out in my house. Well, no more of that! My house can topple off a cliff for all I care!”

You and your siblings look at each other.

“Um,” you whisper. “Should we…?”

Klaus shakes his head. “Later,” he whispers back.

“I am ready to be fierce and formidable again, myself, and to face you, Count Olaf!”

Count Olaf’s henchpeople gasp. Josephine walks forward, pushing Olaf to the middle of the boat.

“I have had enough of your schemes! I have had enough of your plots! I have had enough of your greed! I have had enough of your betrayal!” Aunt Josephine jabs a finger into Count Olaf’s chest. “Listen to me, Count Olaf, you villain, you wrench, you vastly untalented actor!”

Olaf gasps.

“Ooh,” you hear the hook-handed man say.

“I’m going to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago.”

“And what might that be?” Count Olaf asks.

Aunt Josephine takes a deep breath, looks Count Olaf straight in the eyes, and shouts, “It’s ‘have’!”