A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓢𝓲𝔁𝓽𝓮𝓮𝓷

Wind blows snow off the ground, revealing the word “Fin” carved into it. The theater lights switch on.

“Terrible ending. The villagers should have been eaten, like in Citizen Kane,” Count Olaf complains. He dumps out the rest of his popcorn onto the floor, dropping the box on top of it.

“Uncle Monty never came back,” Violet realizes.

Most of the seats in the theater are empty, but Monty’s sticks out like a sore thumb. You all run out of the theater into the lobby.

“Uncle Monty?” you shout as you look around.

“What’s this? Your guardian has disappeared? Dear me, dear me.” Even though Monty isn’t around, Count Olaf continues to talk in his Stephano accent.

You and your siblings exchange horrified looks. If Uncle Monty doesn’t come back, will you have to move back in with Count Olaf? He certainly seems to think so, based on the way he seizes you by the shoulders and forces you to walk out to the parking lot.

“Oh, this is just terrible. Four helpless children, all alone in the world. Whatever shall we do next?”

“Drive home, of course.” Uncle Monty steps in front of you, blocking Count Olaf’s path.

“Monty!” Klaus says, relieved.

The four of you break free of Count Olaf’s grasp and run over to him.

“Hello, children. It’s been a long night, and we have a very busy day tomorrow. Did you enjoy the movie?”

Klaus pauses for a moment as he searches for the right words. “...It was unusual.”

He nods, seeming to have expected a confused reaction. “It will require some further explanation. Wait in the car, Baudelaires. I have some unfinished business with Stephano.”

“Will you be okay?” Violet asks.

“Of course. I am your guardian. It is my job — and my delight, might I add — to keep you safe. Run along now.”

You hesitate, but Monty seems sure of himself, so you decide to trust him. You all climb into the car. You can’t hear what they’re saying, but you’re at least able to keep an eye on them through the window. After what feels like an eternity, Count Olaf walks away, and Monty gets into the car.

“Well, Baudelaires, that terrible man will never bother us again.”

“You mean…” Klaus begins, disbelief in his voice.

“That’s right. I confronted him and threw him out of our lives forever. The authorities are on their way.”

“And we’re just leaving him in the parking lot? Alone?”

“Under the watchful eye of a very capable ticket seller. Besides, if he does slip away…”

“Again.” Violet sighs.

“Well, it’s none of our concern. We will be far, far away from here. Baudelaires, we are not going to spend the season in a research laboratory. We are off to Peru.”

“Peru?” you, Klaus, and Violet ask together.

“It’s a wonderful country, full of natural and slithering beauty. And more importantly, answers. You must have oodles of questions after that movie. If my parents hadn’t taught me all about this when I was your age, my head would be dizzy with confusion. Well, once we disembark in Chimbote, you will have all the answers you need. So, what do you say, Baudelaires? Are you in?”

“We’re in, Monty.” Klaus smiles.

“Then it’s a good thing I stocked up on peaches and canoes, because you never know when you might need to leave the country at a moment’s notice.”

“Life is a conundrum of esoterica,” you say quietly.

Uncle Monty laughs. “Well said, Millie Baudelaire. Well said.”

㊋㊋㊋㊋

“Then we travel inward to Ollantaytambo, in search of geckoes who have an extra leg. The first person who finds one gets to name it.” Monty looks up from his map of Peru, grinning.

“That sounds wonderful,” Klaus says.

“Doesn’t it?” Uncle Monty smiles, but it fades away as he grows serious. “Listen, children. I know that the loss of your parents was a great tragedy. But you can still have the life they wanted for you. But right now, it is time for bed.” He picks Sunny off of Klaus’s lap. “Yes, we have a squidillion things to do tomorrow and a boat to catch.”

He peers down at your cups of hot cocoa taking up all the available space on the coffee table not covered by the map. “Ah, Sunny, it seems you’ve finished all of your marshmallows.”

“Ee be,” Sunny agrees, which means, “They were delicious.”

“What my sister means–”

“I know what your sister means, Violet. It seems we’ve finally found a soft food you like.” He smiles fondly at Sunny, and you all laugh.

㊋㊋㊋㊋

You slide under the snake-patterned covers.

“Goodnight, Uncle Monty.”

“Goodnight, Millie. Goodnight, Klaus.”

“Goodnight, Uncle Monty,” Klaus says softly.

Uncle Monty smiles at him. “Sleep well, you two. And tomorrow… Peru.”

He turns off the light, then leaves to go say goodnight to Violet and Sunny in the bedroom next door. Klaus takes off his glasses, setting them on the nightstand next to the bottle of narcolepsy medication Monty bought for you.

“You called him ‘Uncle’,” you marvel.

“I feel bad for not trusting him initially. He really cares about us.”

“He does,” you agree.

“He’ll never really be able to replace Mother and Father, but… I think we can still be happy here.” You catch the outline of Klaus’s smile through the dark.

“Me too.”

As you snuggle under the blankets, you hear the chiming of the screeching iguana clock. But what you don’t know is that it is the last time the clock will strike before irony does. As Uncle Monty promised, no harm would come to you or your siblings in the Reptile Room.

But great harm would come to Uncle Monty.