A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝓮𝓷

The bald man guides you, Klaus, and Violet into three chairs on the left wing of the stage.

“You three will stay right here until the wedding scene. Any funny business, and it’s curtains for your baby sister. You see, ‘curtains’ means ‘your sister will be dropped out the window’, but it’s also a play on theatrical curtains.”

The bald man glances up fondly at the ropes that control the curtains.

“We know what you meant,” Klaus snaps.

Count Olaf, Justice Strauss, and the henchperson of indeterminate gender rush over to you. Count Olaf pulls over a chair next to Violet and pushes Justice Strauss into it.

“Now, Justice… Whatever, sit here until the wedding scene. Remember, you must use the exact same wording used in an actual wedding. Get every word right. There’s talent scouts in the audience, and they’re looking for new actresses about your age.”

“Oh, talent scouts!” Justice Strauss gasps.

Count Olaf runs over to the bald man, who helps him into a fancy but dirty coat.

“Justice Strauss, may we speak to you?” Violet asks.

Count Olaf runs back over to where you’re sitting. “Ah… change of plans. Sit here.” He pulls Justice Strauss out of the chair and puts her in a new one right next to where he was standing. “Don’t distract her,” he growls at you and your siblings.

He shrugs on the coat the bald man is holding while doing some bizarre vocal warm-ups. Justice Strauss attempts to copy him but is so nervous she can barely speak.

“Showtime,” the henchperson of indeterminate gender calls out.

“Alright,” Count Olaf says.

“Alright,” Justice Strauss says.

A very out of tune orchestra begins to play, and Count Olaf walks onstage.

㊋㊋㊋㊋

“It’s even worse when it’s being performed,” you mutter, amazed at its awfulness.

The play has been going for over a half hour now, and just like the script said, each scene is the two white-faced women fighting over Count Olaf.

You zone out at some point, or maybe you fall asleep. But the next thing you know, you’re jolted back to reality by the out of tune orchestra playing a wedding march. The bald man hands Klaus a cushion with the wedding rings on it, and you a basket of flowers.

“Showtime,” he tells you, shoving you and Klaus onstage.

Justice Strauss stands up stiffly, and takes her place at the front of the altar. The basket of flowers hangs limply at your side, and you don’t intend to throw any, but under Count Olaf’s glare, you half-heartedly toss a couple on the floor. You and Klaus take your places on one side of the aisle, with the two white-faced women on the other. Then Violet walks onstage.

Despite the horrible situation you’re in, you have to admit, she looks gorgeous. The dress is so much cleaner than any of Count Olaf’s other costumes, it’s practically blinding white in comparison. A flower wreath is in her hair, which has been done in wavy locks trailing down her back and over her shoulders.

The music stops abruptly, and then it’s Justice Strauss’s turn to speak. She just stands there like a deer in headlights. Somewhere in the audience, a man coughs.

“Say your line,” Count Olaf whispers.

Justice Strauss stands frozen for a few more seconds, before nodding to herself.