A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓢𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓷

"Should I let them off the hook?" the hook-handed man asks Count Olaf.

    A delirious part of your brain laughs at the pun in that, but it's the only part of you that finds any of this funny. You know Count Olaf is going to be angry that you told Mr. Poe about what a bad guardian he is.

    Right now, though, he doesn't seem that mad. He just motions for the hook-handed man to let go of the four of you. The hook-handed man obliges with a grunt, shoving you forward before leaving the dining room. You all silently take a seat at the opposite end of the table from Count Olaf and wait for him to say something. He lifts up a plastic cupcake tray holding six chocolate cupcakes topped with pink frosting and raspberries. "I spent all morning baking these cupcakes for you."

    You know he didn't, but you, Klaus, and Violet still all chorus, "Thank you," as Sunny says, "Vee uh wee," which means, "They're store bought."

    "Aren't raspberries delicious?" Count Olaf asks. "They were my favorite berry when I was your age." He sticks his finger into one of the cupcakes, scooping up a little frosting and licking it off his finger.

    "But we're all different ages," Violet says.

    Count Olaf stands up, and you think he's about to slap Violet. Instead, he jumps onto the table, his whole body on it as he slides across. He's still holding the cupcakes, and surprisingly, they don't fall out of the tray, nor does he drop them, even as he squeaks to a stop in front of the four of you.

    "I want to talk to you about something," he says lightly. He takes more frosting off the cupcake. "I recently received a call from Mr. Poe."

    You and Klaus exchange a panicked glance. Thankfully, Violet keeps her cool.

    "Is that so?" She asks, her face and voice expressionless. "I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you."

    Count Olaf chuckles, licking up more frosting. "I'm glad he did, because I want you three children to feel more at home here now that I am your father."

    "There's... four of us," you say before you can stop yourself.

    Count Olaf shoots you an annoyed smile before continuing. "As you know, I have been working hard with my theatre troupe, and I'm afraid this may have caused me to act a bit... standoffish."

    The word 'standoffish' is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward you and your siblings. 'Standoffish' refers to a person who, for various reasons, is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe someone who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to other people. It is not a word which might describe someone who provides one bed for four people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores, and slaps them across the face. There are many words to describe that kind of person, but 'standoffish' is not one of them.

    "Therefore," Count Olaf continues, "to make you feel more at home here, I want you to participate in my next play." He eats one of the raspberries.

    "...Participate how?" Violet asks hesitantly.

    "I'm–" Count Olaf begins, only to be cut off by a series of choking noises. You assume he's choking on the raspberry, but when he finally gets it out of his throat, it clatters to the ground noisily, sounding more like a coin than a berry. Once his throat is clear, he sets the cupcakes down and stands up on the table. "The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and it is by the great playwright of all time, Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, this Friday night. It tells the story of a handsome young man — played by me! Klaus, Millie, Sunny, you will play three cheering people in the crowd."