A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂-𝓕𝓲𝓿𝓮

"Well, good evening, children," Count Olaf greets. He's got a new fake accent and costume, but you easily see right through it. "My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea."

    "No, it isn't," Violet argues.

    "Well, it's... a large lake," Count Olaf admits.

    "Don't be ridiculous." Klaus sighs.

    "Alright, alright! My home is near a large lake. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

    "We've already made your acquaintance. You're Count Olaf!" you shout.

    Aunt Josephine shrieks. "Count Olaf! Why would you bring up such a terrifying person? Just as I was working up the courage to go put on my cardigan. Good thing we have a sea captain to keep us safe."

    "Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain. This is Count Olaf," Klaus says.

    "Klaus, I am shocked!" Aunt Josephine says, shocked.

    "It's true," Violet insists.

    "I am shocked at your grammar. You can't say, 'This is Count Olaf.' The proper sentence is, 'He is Count Olaf.'"

    "Who is this Count Omar?" Count Olaf asks. "He sounds handsome."

    "He has the same shiny eyes and the same single eyebrow." Klaus points out.

    "Klaus, grammar! That is an eyepatch." Aunt Josephine points to Count Olaf's eyepatch.

    "The tattoo," you say desperately. "Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle."

    "Millie... this man's left ankle was devoured during his duties as a sailboat rental agent."

    You look down. As part of the new costume, Count Olaf has somehow gotten rid of his left leg and replaced it with what looks like a broom handle.

    "Yes, it's a very tragic tale. I was enjoying some pasta puttanesca, when I spilled some sauce onto my leg. I tried to fight the leeches off but I was not strong enough," Count Olaf tells you all.

    "Ge ee," Sunny gurgles, which means, "Go jump in the lake."

    "Ahoy!" Count Olaf yells. "A hairless pygmy!"

    "She is a baby, and you know that!" Klaus shouts.

    "We'll discuss what sort of pygmy it is later. In the meantime, the adults have a date."

    Aunt Josephine giggles. "I'll go put on my cardigan."

    "No– Aunt Josephine–" Violet begins.

    "Oh, calm down Violet, I'll be back in a jiffy." Aunt Josephine grabs her bags of limes, then walks out of the library.

    "So... long time, no see." Count Olaf begins to circle you, Klaus, and Violet.

    "You'll never get away with this," you spit.

    "Get away with what? I'm just a sea captain, romancing a fierce and formidable woman."

    "You're not a sea captain," Violet says.

    "Uh, yes I am. It says so on my business cards." Count Olaf pulls a stack of business cards out of one of his coat pockets and holds them up.

    "Business cards aren't proof of anything. Anyone can go to a print shop that may say anything they like," Klaus argues.

    "Well, you're just a heap of facts, aren't you, Klaus?" Count Olaf begins to walk towards you three, forcing you to back up down the hallway. "Facts and facts and facts and facts. But none of them do you any good. Just like poor Uncle Monty. And your parents, may they rest in ashes."