A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂-𝓢𝓲𝔁

“‘Violet, Klaus, Millie, and Sunny. By the time you read this note, my life will be at its end. My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find life inbearable. I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have leadled me to this desperate act… but please know I am happier this way. As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly, even though I’d done this terrible thing. Josephine Anwhistle.’”

Your heart sinks further with each word Klaus reads.

“It can’t be,” Violet says quietly.

㊋㊋㊋㊋

“‘As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly even though I’d done this terrible thing.’” Pause. “Yes, yes, I understand. I’ll tell them.” Pause. “Of course I’ll tell them.” Pause. “I promise, I’ll tell them!” Pause. “Goodbye.” Violet slams the phone down onto the receiver, along with the false cheery tone she assumed while on the call. “Mr. Poe says we can always rely on Mulctuary Money Management.”

Klaus takes the note from her. “I just can’t believe it.”

“It’s all there in ink and shaky handwriting,” you say. “Aunt Josephine is dead, and she left us in the care of Count Olaf.”

“It’s not right.” Klaus frowns. “There’s something funny about this note.”

“There’s nothing funny about a woman throwing herself out a window,” Violet argues.

“No, not funny as in a funny joke, but funny as in a funny smell. Let me show you.”

Klaus leads the way back to the library. He sets the note on the table, turning on the lamp. He points to the first line.

“In the very first sentence, she says, ‘My life will be at its end.’”

“And now it is,” Violet says hopelessly.

“That’s not what I mean. She says ‘it’s’, I-T-apostrophe-S, meaning ‘it is’. She means I-T-S. That’s a sizable grammatical error.”

“Who cares about a grammatical error when Aunt Josephine jumped out a window?” Violet asks.

“Aunt Josephine would,” you remind her. “She said grammar was the greatest joy in her life.”

“That’s not enough.” Violet sighs. “No matter how much she liked grammar, she said her life was unbearable.”

“No,” Klaus says. “She didn’t say ‘unbearable’ with a U, she said ‘inbearable’ with an I. That’s another error.”

“Our situation isn’t inbearable, it’s unbearable. Aunt Josephine left us in the care of Captain Sham, and I don’t know what we can do about it.”

“We never should have read Mr. Poe that note,” you say. “We could have forged a new one that never mentioned Captain Sham.”

“Wouldn’t it be difficult to imitate her handwriting?” Violet asks.

“...Unless it’s not her handwriting at all,” Klaus suspects.

“Ee yay,” Sunny babbles, which means, “Olaf.”

You look at each other, then the window, then each other again.

㊋㊋㊋㊋

“Forgery?” Mr. Poe asks once his coughs have faded away. “That’s a very serious charge.”

“Not as serious as murder,” Violet argues.