A Tale of Wretched Occurrences: The Beginning

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓣𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂-𝓣𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓮

The library is in the very back of the house, so it sticks out over the cliff and is directly above the ocean. The left wall is completely invisible behind the bookshelves, and the right wall only has a tiny gap between shelves where a portrait hangs above a safe. There's a couple reading chairs scattered around the room along with a desk. In the corner is a statue of a woman that looks like Aunt Josephine, but is holding out a sword like she's prepared to duel with someone. The most impressive part of the room, shockingly, isn't the books, but the view. The back wall is one giant window, and through it, you can see the lake. The taxi driver was right. It's so big you can't see the other shore, and it looks like it stretches on forever the way an ocean does.

    "Lake Lachrymose," Aunt Josephine says, crossing over to the window. "I know every island in its waters and every cave along its shores. But now I can only stand to look at it from far away." She turns to look at you. "That's why I couldn't meet you at the dock. I'm too haunted by the past."

    "Does this have anything to do with our parents?" Violet asks carefully.

    "Certainly not. It has to do with my husband, Ike." Josephine motions to the portrait. "He was my best friend, my partner, and one of the few people I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth. His specialty was Beethoven's fourth string quartet."

    "Our mother could do that," Klaus says quietly.

    "Her specialty was Mozart's 14th symphony." Aunt Josephine smiles.

    "Yeah, that's right," Violet says softly.

    "We were all friends, your parents, Ike, and I. We used to gather on these shores for picnics and to develop our own secret codes."

    "Our parents developed secret codes?" you ask.

    Aunt Josephine ignores your question. "I'll never forget our last picnic. I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating before going into the lake, but he only waited 45 minutes."

    "Did he get cramps?" Klaus questions. "That's what's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before you swim."

    "Cramps are one reason, but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another." Josephine walks away from the window, and pulls down a map that's hanging near the door. "Part of the lake is a breeding ground for the Lachrymose Leeches, which are quite different from regular leeches. They each have six rows of very sharp teeth, and one very sharp nose that can smell the tiniest bit of food from far, far away. The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, but if they smell food on a human, they will start to swarm around him, and–" the map suddenly rolls up, causing Josephine to scream. She then starts to sob. Once she calms down, she turns to face you. "Oh, I apologize, children. It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word 'and', but I just get so upset when I think about Ike."

    "We're sorry we asked about him," Violet apologizes.

    "We didn't mean to upset you," you assure her.

    "...Aunt Josephine, you said you had answers for us," Klaus says cautiously after a beat.

    "Yes! Thank you for reminding me." Josephine crosses over to the portrait. "As soon as Sunny said what she said, I knew you were missing critical information."

    "Sunny? What did she say?" Klaus asks.

    "Don't you remember, Klaus? She said 'delmo', and that's when I knew what I had to impart. The key to making sense of this confusing and terrifying world." She pauses. "Perhaps you're too young."

    "We can handle it," you say quickly.

    "We can handle anything," Klaus adds.

    Aunt Josephine nods. She pulls a handle on one of the bookcases, sliding another set of shelves out from behind it and in front of Ike's portrait.

    "Grammar."

    "Grammar?" Violet repeats.

    "Grammar," Aunt Josephine agrees. "Since I lost Ike, I have devoted my life to the study of it." She begins to point out books. "Here is a complete history of nouns. Oh! And there is an explicitly illustrated encyclopedia of verbs." She smiles. "I am so happy to have four young new charges to learn everything, from the Oxford comma to the Wesleyan semicolon."

    "Grammar," Klaus says, disappointed.

    "Grammar! It's the greatest joy in life, don't you think?"

    "Aunt Josephine, what does grammar have to do with developing secret codes?" you ask.

    "Ah! You used the wrong tense, Millie. It's a common grammatical mistake. You should have said, 'What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?'"

    You repress a sigh. "What did grammar have to do–"

    "Absolutely nothing."

    Somewhere in the house, a chime rings. Predictably, Aunt Josephine screams.

    "Oh, it's just the clock. Lunchtime! How does soup sound?"

    "Soup sounds wonderful," you, Klaus, and Violet say together.

㊋㊋㊋㊋

"Oh, it's... cold."

    "Yes, I never cook anything hot. I'm afraid to turn on the stove. It– it might burst into flames."

    Sunny stares at Aunt Josephine like she's insane — which, you're starting to think she may actually be.

    "This is chilled cucumber soup," Aunt Josephine explains. "It's a recipe that I learned in Egypt, where I was briefly employed as a snake charmer."

    "Our father lived in Egypt before we were born," Violet begins. "Is that when you–"

    "I don't talk about that," Josephine says stiffly.

    Klaus tries. "When we were living with Uncle Monty–"

    "I said I don't talk about that," she repeats.

    "But there was a statue–" you attempt.

    "I said I don't talk about that."

    "You don't talk about that? Or you won't?" Violet snaps.

    Josephine puts down her spoon, considering. "This is one of those rare grammatical instances where 'don't' and 'won't' mean the same thing." She sighs, then continues in a more gentle tone, "I knew your parents a long time ago, when things were very different. Those were fierce and formidable days. But I don't talk about that, and you won't hear about that. I shouldn't have to tell you orphans there are many, many things to be afraid of in this world. The safest strategy is to be afraid of them all."

    "Be oo boo," Sunny suggests, which means, "Get her help."

    "I like to think of happier things. The joys of grammar, and how much Ike loved the sunshine. I like to imagine that where he is now, the weather is just as lovely and sunny as can be. Of course, nobody knows what happens to you when you die, but I like to think that my husband is somewhere hot."

    Klaus sets down his spoon. "Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought about moving somewhere else? Maybe if you lived far away from Lake Lachrymose, you might feel better."

    "We would go with you," Violet offers.

    "Maybe then you'd feel comfortable enough to discuss some of the things you don't and won't talk about," you gently push.

    "I could never sell this house," Aunt Josephine scoffs. "I'm afraid of real estate agents."