We're Not Friends || Buddie

I Don't Love Her

Eddie looks over to Buck as he throws his shirt into his locker. "We finally get to meet Juliet today. Are you excited?" Thanks to Lillian, the meeting was set up pretty quickly. They are going to the LA FBI office after work.

Buck can't get himself to respond to Eddie. He hasn't spoken to him since he dropped Chris off a day ago.

"Buck, please talk to me? You said we'd still be friends." He waits for a minute but there is still no response. "If... if you don't want me to go after work, I'd understand that. This is a lot bigger for you than it is for me. I don't want to ruin it for you."

"It's not about me, Eddie. It's about Juliet, and she wants to meet both of us. So no matter how much I hate being around you right now, you better be there."

"You hate me?"

"No, I hate being around you. It hurts Eddie. It still hurts. Do you really not understand that? I know you're in such deep denial that you can't feel your own pain, but I thought you'd at least be able to acknowledge mine."

"I... of course. I understand, but I'm not in denial, Buck. I know how I feel, and I think if you keep telling yourself I feel differently, then it will only keep hurting you."

"It would hurt less if you were hurting too, or if you admitted you were hurting, because I know you are, Eddie. You have to be. Instead, I have to take on both of our pain."

"Buck-"

"I don't want to hear it." He waits, expecting Eddie to try and tell him how little he feels for him, or how much he likes Lillian, but he actually listens and stays quiet. "We are still friends... but that is because I decided we were, remember? I need some time to stop hurting before I just go back to normal. I'm not like you, I can't just push it all down."

"I'm not pushing anything down." It comes out louder than he means for it to. He immediately regrets it, but then he realizes Buck has no reaction, and for some reason, that hurts more.

"I'm used to it, Eddie. I get it. It's hard for you too and you don't know how to express it. I'm done being mad at you for lashing out..."

Used to it? Buck isn't supposed to be used to Eddie like this. Eddie didn't realize just how much he'd been yelling; how much anger was in his voice pretty much all the time. Buck shouldn't be used to him like this... Buck is supposed to know the real him, not the angry front he puts up. He's always shown Buck the real him...

"I'm not lashing out... I'm just tired of everyone else telling me how I'm feeling. Especially you. You need me to want you back so badly that you keep projecting those feelings onto me and-" He hates the words as they come out of his mouth, but he can't stop them. He can tell he is trying to hurt Buck, but he doesn't want to be.

"Look, you can try to hurt me into not caring, but that's never going to work. If I let you sit in denial, you'll never get out of it. I need you out of it. Not for me, not so we can be together... that might not even be a possibility anymore." Why? Eddie finds himself questioning. Then he shoves it away. "I need you out of it for you. No matter how hurt I am, Eddie, I just want to see you be yourself."

"I am myself, Buck..."

"I'm done having this conversation, Eddie. Like I said, I need some time to feel everything I'm feeling without having to deal with your shit too." Buck isn't going to let Eddie sit in denial, but he doesn't have the energy to pull him out right now either. He needs some time to deal with his own feelings.

"Buck, please-"

"You do not get to break things off, then force me to be your friend while I'm still hurting, Eddie. I'm not mad at you, but if we keep having this conversation, I will be."