Just us.

33. Dad

It didn't take long for Charlotte to fall asleep in Mia's arms. The red head, however, had a lot on her mind.

She knew how Ellie must have felt knowing that her dad just left, maybe Isla would be too young to fully understand but Ellie wasn't. And now she was going through the same thing Mia did.

What Mia didn't have growing up was the support. Reece and Autumn were dealing with their mum leaving them with their dad and Mia's mum, although being there, still had a hold on Mia. She didn't quite understand why her mother was like she was.

She was toxic to say the least, she always said the worst things about Mia's appearance and school work. Nothing was ever good enough. And no matter how hard Mia tried, every time she hit a brick wall.

Despite how she was behind closed doors, Mia's mum was a lot different to everyone else. 'A hard working single mum with a rebel of a daughter who didn't appreciate her'. No matter how hard it was for Mia to be seen as the villain in the relationship with her mother, she would always stuck up for her when she needed it.

Whenever her mum needed help or someone to be there, anything. Mia was there. She did everything for her and still wasn't good enough.

She knew Charlotte was the best mother to her girls and wouldn't ever think of treating them badly. But  even the best support system doesn't change the feelings. Just the way you deal with them.

Mia climbed out of Charlotte's bed and headed downstairs. She took the notebook out of her bag and sat at the kitchen table.

"Sometimes things can be too hard to say out loud. So write it down. Write a letter and tell that person how they made you feel. Even though they won't see it. It's you getting those emotions out in a way you can process"

Despite feeling absolutely ridiculous she lifted the pen and started writing.

This is pathetic. Writing a letter. Like he is ever going to read it? I don't see the point. I just can't get it out of my mind.

"Just try it. If you don't like it, that's fine. At least you tried" Michelle's words are practically haunting Mia at this point.

Dad,
I've always felt like something was missing in my life. Like I wasn't whole. That missing part was you. You left. You walked out on me. 'Your little girl'.

You left me with mum and we had nothing. I had to work for everything and put myself through hell for you. I lost my family. I lost my childhood. I lost myself. All because I let Roger take advantage of me for you. I wanted to find you so bad. Just to know why. Why you were okay with walking out on me when you promised me forever. You were supposed to protect me. To love me. But all you did was lie and hurt me. And now because of you I'm absolutely terrified of people leaving me. To get hurt all over again.

I want you to know how bad you hurt me. How fucked up my life is. I want you to feel something. Some regret or guilt or shame. Anything. Any emotion towards me. But no. You'll just happily live your life. Forgetting I existed at all.

I wish it was as easy for me to forget you. But there will always be a damaged little girl inside of me. Crying and begging for someone to just love her. You may have never needed or wanted me at all. But I was a kid. I needed a dad. And you weren't there.

You killed the light inside of me and now my heart is stone. Some may say it made me stronger. I don't take crap from anyone. But I didn't need to be stronger dad. I just needed to be a kid. I needed to feel safe and loved. Not like I meant nothing. You did that. You ruined me. And while I live with the consequences you are none the wiser. And I hate that most of all'

"Mia?" Mia snaps her head towards the door frame,
"Yes sweetheart, what are you doing up?" Ellie walks closer towards her and sits down on the chair
"Can't sleep. What are you doing?"
"Oh nothing. What's on your mind?"
"I just... I don't know"
"Sweetheart, you know you can tell me anything, right? It's okay"
"Yeah. I just... I was thinking about my dad. And I don't want to. I know he doesn't care about us anymore. He chose Ashley over us"
"It's ok to miss him Ellie. He is still your dad" Mia tells the girl,
"But I don't want him to be. I don't want to miss him or care about him. He doesn't care about me"
"Sweetheart, I'm sure he thinks about you all the time. He should know how blessed he is to have such amazing daughters like you and your sister" she smiles, "I understand how bad you want to hate him. But there will always be a small part of you that does love him. And that's okay"
"But does that make me a bad person? For caring about him? I'm stupid for it" Ellie fumbles with her hands nervously
"Of course not sweetheart. Can I tell you something?" She nods for Mia to continue, "when I was younger, my dad left me too. He got a girlfriend just like your dad did"
"Really?"
"Yeah. I haven't seen him for a very long time. And even though I hate him for not coming back for me, I'll still always care about him"
"What if my dad doesn't come back?" Ellie asks. Mia felt for the girl, she understood how she was feeling and just wanted to make all the pain go away. She didn't deserve it.

"Then he'll miss out on watching you grow up and be the best Ellie you can be. And you can grow up knowing that you are so strong and didn't need any man" Mia replies, "I know it's hard sweetheart, there are gonna be things that you just need you dad for, you know? And it's perfectly okay for you to love and hate him all at once, okay?" Ellie nods, pushing up a small smile, "and remember, you have the most amazing mum who loves you so much. Not all kids have that. It's very special"
"Yeah I know. And I have you, right?" Mia was slightly surprised but knows she would be there as long as the girls would have her
"Always" Ellie wraps her arms around the red head and whispers a thank you, "now let's get you back up to bed, okay? School tomorrow"
"Okay"