STUCK | MxMxM

Chapter 35

Joe had his head in his hands, sitting on the couch in front of the entrance. When Theo walked in, he carefully raised his head to look at Theo with remorseful eyes. His lips were shut as he knew right now was no time for words. Theo was exhausted. His knuckles hurt. His feet hurt. His thoughts hurt the most. Mechanically, he walked to the bedroom and didnt really realize what he has done until he came back to himself as he was drying his washed body with a towel. This happened to him a lot, especially when he wasn't doing well mentally. He lost track of time, he didn't know he was doing something as his mind just took him through the motion and at some point he'd come back to himself. frowning slightly, he stared at himself in the mirror. Hallucinating due to side effect was one thing, losing time was another. Sometimes he found himself somewhere all the way to the other side of the city, having had driven there absentmindedly. He was always thankful for not killing anyone in that state in a car accident.

careful steps approached him. Arm loosely wrapped around bis torso from the back and Joe's warm face pressed into the side of his neck. His husband didn't say anything for a long time as he just stayed still, holding onto Theo and undaring of uttering a single word.
He understood why Joe did it. To him, that is. He wasn't really angry for himself but he was furious on William's behalf. "You have to make it up to him with all you have." He said, putting the towel on the counter. The arms tightened around him a little but the hold still remained loose and safe. Joe knew not to pin him in situations like this. "I'll do it after I make it up to you."
"Wrong. You will be on your knees if you have to but you will apologize to that innocent boy. And you will let him be if he decides to leave." He deadpanned, staring at Joe through the mirror in front of them. Joe was silent for a while, though visibly having grown more tense. "Is he leaving?"
"I don't know. He looked angry at me more than he did you when he dropped me off. I don't know which part of what I said made him so angry though." Feeling himself sweat where Joe's arms were on his naked skin, he freed himself from the hold by unwrapping the hands naturally. However, as though it triggered something in Joe, his husband suddenly clasped onto his wrist so tightly that it made him wince. The pain raised his heartbeat a little but he pushed the trauma-induced images back. Joe would never hurt him physically. "I want to lie down, Joe." He said monotonously, waiting for the other to let go.
Joe's eyes went wide and he let go so hurriedly you'd think Theo's very skin has bitten his hand off. "I'm so sorry. I-..." A defeated sigh left the other's mouth as he ruffled his already disheveled blond hair in frustration. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me these days. I'm so jumpy, so anxious and worried sick out of my mind. Every call I get from an unknown number is terrifying if both of you aren't by my side. My heart picks up when I answer the call, expecting it to be the police or a doctor." Joe looked down at his hands. "I don't know what's happening to me. I hate it so much. I hate making so many mistakes toward you. How many times have I fucked up this year alone? I fucking hate it. I hate myself for doing this to you. I sometimes hate how you forgive me everytime. I've been thinking maybe I'm... maybe I'm not good for you but who can I entrust you with? I hate how I'm the only option when I'm so flawed. I keep working on myself. I keep going to fucking stupid therapy sessions every week. The doctor breaks down my personality like it's an interesting puzzle she wants to solve and I hate that I'm a game to her. But I keep going because I want to stop fucking up and yet... here we are."
Theo was pinned on the spot, wide-eyed as he stared at the helpless tears that ran down the sharp cheekbones. His ears wanted to refuse the shakiness of Joe's voice. The man in front of him was this broken only one other time and that had been when he was barely conscious in that apartment many years ago. Joe hadn't even been this apologetic that time he tied him to the bed.
His heart was breaking a thousand times a second. It took everything in him not to reach out as soon as the green eyes became teary but when Joe's voice cracked as his shoulders slumped and he stopped talking as though having lost all will, Theo couldn't stop himself from embracing him anymore. Joe almost hugged back but then those arms fell down as he didn't even give himself the right to hold Theo in that moment. "Would it be okay if we went to couple therapy? I think we need it. both of us." He whispered quietly, fingers raking through the blond strands.
"Everything and anything you want is okay with me. As long as I know you won't leave me." Joe's voice was hoarse due to the endless tears as he said that, nuzzling his face deeper into Theo's neck.
"We need to address this crippling fear you have of me leaving you in the therapy session too."
Theo felt Joe clenching is jaw but neither of them said anything further.