MENDED

forty-five

alex

"you've told me before how reluctant you've been, since devon left, to let anyone else be in your life like that," dr. reid started. "could you tell me more about that?"

i picked at the nail polish on my fingernails. "i dunno, i just pushed everyone away. i didn't want to be put in another situation like that. i didn't want to be hurt again."

"and why did that change with saylor? you seem perfectly content to be in that situation."

"saylor is— things were different with saylor," i said slowly, my brows furrowing as i thought. "i mean, yes, at first, for a while, i pushed her away and wouldn't let her in. but i... i was so fucking mean to her. i was never mean to anyone else like that."

"why do you think that is?"

i pursed my lips as i looked down at my nails. "i, uh... i don't know. i think, deep down, some part of me knew that if i let her in, that i would fall for her and i would fall hard. i think the reason i was so mean to her, was so that i could really prevent that from happening, because i was terrified of getting hurt again. that girl is an angel on earth though, so it only made sense that she would break my walls down and i would let her in."

"you always speak so highly of saylor," dr. reid mentioned. from the tone of her voice, i assumed there was a smile on her face. "she really means a lot to you, huh?"

"she means everything to me," i corrected with a soft smile as i thought about saylor. "she has seriously saved me in, like, every way."

"she seems very kind; she seems good to you."

"she is; the best," i continued to smile. "she genuinely wants the best for me, and she tries her best to help me in any way."

"it's good that you have her. that pillar of support? and love? that is going to play a big role in helping you get over this, alex. whether you or her realize it or not, she's showing you how you should be and should've been treated."

i took in her words. it didn't take me wrong to realize that she was right.

saylor has helped show me that so many times, and in so many ways.

we continued to talk for a while. towards the end of our session, dr. reid brought up devon again; more specifically, me having one last conversation with devon.

"i've been, uh... working up the courage to do that?" i told her slowly. "i mean, saylor's birthday and our trip to bora bora was only a few days ago, and i've still been riding the high from that, so i didn't want to ruin it so soon... but i'm going to today."

"have you planned or thought about what you want to say to her?"

"uh, not really? i'm kinda going to wing it and try not to have a panic attack," i tried to joke, but dr. reid did not seem to amused by it.

"after your talk, i want you to remember, you are not alone. you have people who are there for you and will help you. don't block everyone out, alex; it's not beneficial to you, or them. it only hurts everyone in the end."

"right. i know," i mumbled with a nod. "i'll try not to. you know, i'm getting better at not blocking everyone out. i'm working on it, really."

"i know, and i'm proud. for now though, that concludes our session."

•

roughly an hour later, i'm in the practice building. i had texted devon (i only have her number from a group chat with her, the band, and laura in it; her number isn't even saved in my phone) not long after my therapy session ended to meet me here. since then, i've been in the practice building chain smoking cigarettes to calm my nerves; i think the cigarette i just finished made half of a pack that i've smoked.