MENDED

twenty-seven

alex

i held my head in my hands as saylor walked out of my room. i took in several unsteady breaths. when i heard my front door open and close, i let out a deep exhale. my shoulders slightly untensed and dropped a little.

i couldn't help but think about what happened moments prior. as i did so, i squeezed my eyes shut and tangled my hands into my hair.

i hate this. i hate this so fucking much.

i hate that she still manages to have an effect on me.

i wanted it so badly. i thought i could actually do it this time.

but because of her, i completely panicked and embarrassed myself.

i brought my knees to my chest, and i let my head fall between them. i interlocked my fingers over the back of my head as i took deep, labored breaths.

this isn't fair. it's not fair that i'm burdened with this every fucking day of my life, while she gets to live the rest of hers carefree; she gets to move on as if nothing happened.

i fucking hate it.

despite my still labored breathing, i got up and slipped a set of clothes on. i interlaced my fingers around the back of my neck, and i paced around my apartment as i struggled to calm myself down.

i feel so bad about telling saylor to leave, but i didn't know what else to do. i was (and still am) so panicked and embarrassed, and i needed to be alone, so that was the best and only solution i could think of.

i hope she's not upset that i told her to leave. i made sure to tell her that i meant it nicely and that it was only because i needed to be alone...

fuck.

i feel so shitty now. i feel like such an asshole.

shit, i hope she doesn't think the reason i panicked has anything to do with her. i don't want her to think that i panicked over the idea of her topping me or something.

god, if it weren't for her, i would've been let saylor have her way with me; anything she wanted to do, i'd let her.

i neared the kitchen, and i leaned over the counter as i pushed my hands into my hair once more. the longer i stood there and the longer it took to calm myself down, the less i could handle it. eventually, i kneeled down to look through one of the bottom cabinets. like i had hoped there would be, there was a full bottle of jack daniel's. i didn't even hesitate before i grabbed it, opened it, then took a long swig.

i settled onto the kitchen floor as i took more sips of the alcohol. soon enough, i had calmed down and was feeling the effects of the drink. i stood up, and i stumbled my way to the living room, where i spotted my pack of cigarettes and my lighter. i picked them both up, and i took a cigarette out of the pack. i held it between my lips, lit it, then took a drag from it. i tossed the lighter and the pack onto the couch.

i then slowly stumbled into my room. i walked towards the corner, where i had a chair. i walked over to it, and i slumped into it with my legs hanging off of one arm rest, while i laid my head back against the other armrest. i moved my cigarette from my mouth so that i could take another long swig from the bottle of jack daniel's. after i did, i took another drag from my cigarette. with that, i kept the cigarette in between my lips and got comfy.

•

i whined as i woke up. i rubbed at my eyes as i looked around. i was laying on my back as i slept, and i was fully covered. my brows furrowed, because i don't remember getting into the bed yesterday.