MENDED

forty-two

alex

today makes my third session of therapy. after my second session, i went back to my apartment, locked myself in my room, and laid in my bed, in the dark, for a handful of hours. saylor tried to come and talk to me, but i didn't even respond, so she stayed in the living room.

so therapy is going swell, obviously.

"so, your relationship with devon when you were younger," dr. reid started, clearly hesitating for a moment. "was it purely 'romantic' or was it intimate as well?"

i leaned my head against the back of the couch. since some point during my second session, i started sitting on the floor, behind the couch. not having to see dr. reid's reactions, or have to look at her while while i speak, has made it all a bit easier. "oh, uh, yeah it was intimate," i admitted quietly. "it was, like... always initiated by her though. majority of the time, whether i wanted to or not, we would if she wanted to."

"and why was that?"

"she, um, always either said or did something that made me feel guilty; like i had to do it. she knew how to make me," i fidgeted with a ring on my finger.

"right... when you two were intimate, how did she act?"

my chest tightened as i forced myself to think back to all the times i've tried so hard to block out. "uh... very rough?" i admitted softly. "i mean, the first few times, she was very careful and gentle, but it quickly lead to a lot of, like... slapping and choking and shit," i cleared my throat.

"did she ever ask you how you felt about all of it?" dr. reid questioned. when i told her that she didn't, she asked another question. "well, how did you?"

my brows knitted downwards. i swallowed. "i didn't like it; at all."

"you know, a lot of people who went what you went through or went through something similar, either tend to be very hyper-sexual or aren't able to be intimate at all. how has it affected you?"

i thought for a moment. "well, uh... before me and my girlfriend started 'talking,' i guess, i was— i slept around a lot. i didn't... i only gave though. i never— i can't receive now?" i explained awkwardly.

"even with your girlfriend now?"

"right... i want to so bad, but i close up and panic every time," i admitted. "it's like my body won't allow me to be that vulnerable again."

"like i mentioned, that is a typical response. the important thing is to be with someone you wholeheartedly trust, someone you can be open and vulnerable with. you have to trust that, that person is not her, and that they aren't going to treat you how she did."

i frowned as i thought over her words. throughout mine and saylor's relationship, there has always been a gnawing thought in the back of my mind that saylor is going to turn out to be exactly like devon was. i can't help but wonder it.

saylor has proven time and time again though that she won't be like devon... i know she won't be.

"right..." i mumbled.

"how are you in your intimate relationships now? how are you with your girlfriend? are you the same as devon was or...?"

my eyes widened at the question. "oh, no. no. i couldn't— i don't even think she likes that kinda stuff. even if she asked me to though, i don't think i could. not like she did."

i could hear dr. reid writing on her clipboard. she didn't say anything as she did.

for the next while, we continued to talk. we eventually moved on to talking about how devon is in my life again. i had to tell her about all of our interactions we've had since she started working as the band's photographer.

"right. well, i think it might be best that you have a talk with devon. i believe it could be beneficial to let out the feelings you've harbored towards her since everything happened. after you do that, you definitely need to tell your manager about devon kissing you and get her fired. her being in your life again like this isn't good your mental health and well-being. it's seriously hurting you."

"talk to her?!" i asked immediately. "i can't— about what?"

"you could ask her something you've been wondering, let out your feelings... just something to get closure," she explained. "you don't have to, but again, i think it would be extremely beneficial."

•

when i returned to my apartment, i saw that saylor was still here. she was laying on the couch, watching tv. axel was propped against a pillow in the chair, napping peacefully.

saylor turned to me when she heard me walk in. she met my eyes. "how was it?"

i shrugged as i walked over to her. i got on the couch, and i laid on top of her. i buried my head in her chest, and i hugged her tightly.

"are you hungry, baby? i could cook you something," she offered as she started to play with my hair.

i shook my head. "can you just hold me? please?" i requested in a mumble.

she kissed the top of my head. "yeah, of course, lovey."

so, for the next while, i just laid in saylor's arms. she held me close to her. she played with my hair, massaged my scalp, and rubbed my back. i felt so comfortable and at peace in her arms.

it had to have been at least two hours before i spoke again. "hey, saylor?" i started nervously.

"yes, baby?" she responded instantly.

"do you... you really love me? like, actually?"

she didn't hesitate to cup my face and gently force me to look at her. "what? of course i do, alex. i love you more than anything, seriously. you mean the world to me."

i gave a small nod, and i swallowed before continuing. "and you... you wouldn't hurt me or anything, right?" i asked quietly.

she frowned, and she shook her head. "never. i have your best interests in mind, always. keeping you happy, and safe, and okay is, like, all that matters to me, baby. i promise."

i could feel my eyes start to water, so i buried my head into her chest again. "right. thank you. i love you a lot," i sniffled. "fuck, i don't even know why i'm crying, i just— you're the best. you're seriously my angel, i hope you know that."

she hugged me tighter. "you're adorable. as long as you let me, i'll be your angel, don't worry."

"i'm never letting you leave!" i insisted stubbornly with a huff. "uh, unless you want to leave me, which would—"

"i'm never leaving you, alex," she assured as she kissed my temple.

•

a/n ayooo

thoughts?

predictions?

anything you wanna see?

words:
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