‎‧₊˚✿[ℓιттℓє ωση∂єяѕ]✿˚₊‧ 「𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲/𝐉𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥」

𝗩𝗘𝗡𝗧Journal/Dairy entery no. 7: Tuseday, 2nd, July.

Today has been kind of off putting I guess, I'm deciding to use this as an actual journal kind of theme so don't mind the weird change ups.

Anyway, Back to what I was saying, Today was pretty bad but not the worst? I had some fun with my online friends, I care about them a fucking and they definitely made me forget about some things that's been going on recently.

But, After a while i don't know, My mind went kind of blank I guess. I felt overwhelmed as well, Mainly thanks to what's going on in the realm of side of my life.

... to be honest, I'm feeling more suicidal recently.

I don't want to die, I would feel like i disappointed some of my closet friends, Not to mention if I died right now AFTER everything that has happened regarding them.. I feel like I'm looking for attention in some way.

It's also not like I have anything to be suicidal about (right now at least), Sure my dad's an asshole, My mum is ill and even my little sister is a bit "eh" but there's nothing for me to feel this way about.

I'm not sure what's going on in my mind, I feel like at this point I don't even know who I am. Everyone online thinks I'm super nice and supportive, Which, I am.. I really hope I am no matter what. But the people irl are always complaining about me being to introverted and boring, Being to much of an asshole and easily angered to have fun around.

Myself? I think I'm just there, I'm not above others but I hope I'm not below most people. To me, I feel like i change my personality depending on who I'm with. I feel like I'm manipulating people, Knowing or unknowing I'm not exactly sure.. Surley it has to be something right?

Acting like something I'm not and having everyone believe in it. Or maybe I'm manipulating myself into thinking that I'm not supportive, caring and whatever else i show myself as online.

I honestly don't know anything about anything anymore, Myself, My friends irl, My own family.. I don't know, I have so much information on them all sure, But i feel like I somehow, in some way, I'm just a complete stranger to them.

...

Turning to my friends on the other side of the screen for a moment though, They all kind of disappeared.. Not literally or anything but we never talk anymore. Whenever I'm around them I feel like I'm just a side piece in a game. Someone they needed so they didn't feel awkward or anything.

You know AJ? I feel like he's starting to fade away from me as well, I said that we made up and all, And I thought we had but recently it's been nothing.

Regardless of that, I always make sure to check up on him. There's a possibility he was going through something, Right? While that's reassuring that he would only be ignoring and distancing himself because of that, I feel rather disgusted in myself for thinking that. I genuinely care for him, Of course I do.. I wouldn't want him to go through anything at all, Whether he leaves me or not.

I know not to be too pushy either, So if he did want to ditch me.. I suppose i'd have to come in terms with his wishes.

..as for my other friends, We were distant to begin with. Nothing has really been the same since someone joined in our little circle of friends.

Maybe I should write them all a letter, Just in case I do end up leaving the world soon. As much as I doubt they would notice or read the letter, I would feel bad if I ditched them out of nowhere as they practically have.

Should I do the for my online friends as well? As much as I love the thought of them caring so  much, I think I would prefer to go out silently. If I'm quiet about it all then they would use assume I hated them or didn't want to be friends with them anymore, Right?