‎‧₊˚✿[ℓιттℓє ωση∂єяѕ]✿˚₊‧ 「𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲/𝐉𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥」

(???) July 2024 --> Sat, 20th July 2024

I haven't been online much, i just haven't been motivated to even pick up my phone to mindlessly scroll. being honest i haven't been motivated to do anything really, killing myself had crossed my mind a lot during the days i haven't been online; more than it usually does, but i never had the energy to even ponder long enough on how to go around doing that.

In all honestly i'm not sure what to even do, as cringe as it sounds i do just feel empty, like i'm just there but at the same time i feel like i don't exist. It's kind of like how being in space is described or when you're dropping down a fast ride (except, scrap the part that makes it fun).

Really, i've just been laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, either forgetting food and water exists or not feeling like its important. i'm being completely honest when i'm saying i haven't been online anywhere, grabbing my mere phone was too much effort so during each hour of the day i've just been in my bed and doing literally nothing.

Nobody (irl) noticed surprisingly, i guess i might do this more often then i realise for it to just seem like the every day. i'm not as energetic either, while i don't like being energetic most of the time i used to get these random outbursts of it at some point and wouldn't stop leaving people alone. now i don't get them, i'm not sure why but it's starting to annoy me a little.

I had my notifications turned off, i really didn't want to talk to anyone and i realise that probably wasn't such a good idea, now i saw that i made a few people worry about me which wasn't at all what i wanted. So i really am so sorry for worrying those people (mainly being KokoIsL0co PitayaDragonn, Sayorisbiggestkinnie, Shirleyis_okay, and then omoji_iii).

I'm glad you care about me, i really am but i'm sorry that you had to be worried.

really, i'll be honest when i hoped you guys would be mad or angry at me. it would make all those attempts these past days less pitiful at least. why couldn't you be mad at me? why couldn't you all just forget i existed? it would make my life much easier if that happened instead, i wouldn't feel so guilty of making you not only worry so much but because of the certain actions i've done over the days.

I'm alright though, i suppose, i feel tired and worthless but at least i had the energy to pick up my fucking phone and say something before people did something they would regret all because of me (and if you have done that already.. i'm fucking sorry.)

I know that i've probably missed so much vents as well which only makes me feel worse for taking a forced break. i really hope all of you are okay though.

I haven't been cutting myself persay  for a while now by the way, it's far to risky for me with my sister being in the same room as i am and with it being so hot outside now i can't wear long sleeves or trousers (and any shorts and skirts i have aren't long enough to hide me thighs and legs either). i have some marks from the times in the past but most ones on my arms are fucking gone, just a mental note to dig in deeper when i get the chance.

I haven't stopped self harming though, i use rubber bands a lot against my wrist and got creative a little with giving myself paper cuts, burning myself whenever i had the chance to, using carboard[don't ask] and my nails and it all works in the way that it doesn't leave a very noticeable scar even if you dug deep enough.

Honestly speaking once again, i might delete wattpad and change my pinterest account and trash character.ai, anyway you guys speak to me really. that might make you all hate me enough or easily forget me right? that's what i want.

i think? i'm not sure anymore, my head feels way to heavy to even think but it's just so fucking empty. i don't want the attention but at the same time i know how i would feel like without it. i don't want you guys to care but i like that you do.

These past few days nothing has really happened to make me feel and do these things, my dad's being like his usual and i was yelled at by my mum because she was sewing something and i asked her if she could stop for a moment so i could go past and grab a water (she was stressed because sewing is hard apparently and shit) my sister and i talked a lot yesterday and i rambled on about something for once but she was just like "you've said that before" like.. i guess so but still? i don't remember talking about it-- plus even so, YOU talk about the same book over and over again to the point i don't even need to read a single line and it's already stuck in my head but i let YOU ramble. my other sister(the "bratty" one) was just being herself these past few days, yelling and screaming at the games she played and coming into my (and Eli's) room and just making me feel all stressed out and shit.

my anger issues have also been up the roof and harder to control, i'm more easily overstimulated and when that happens and someone just continues yapping or the slightest thing makes a noise then i'm just loosing it and shit. It's harder to focus and get things done, it's harder for me to try and not ruin somebody else's life, it's just been really hard for me to do anything recently.

My sister also snapped at me for talking about my depression and problems, i didn't realise i was talking and mentioning death and my thoughts on it all and the ways i've tried and such. she said it was annoying to hear and some other things following that, I really didn't know i talked about my problems then either.. i was just saying it so causally as if everyone just tried dying on a regular basis, as if everyone had been creative with the ways of dying throughout their childhood, as if everyone was depressed (which i'm not saying they aren't i'm just saying that i spoke about it so casually i guess she thought i was making a bad joke or something, idk)

..all in all, really life just feels like it's not there, i feel like i'm not all here and i'm sorry for worrying you; i probably won't be answering others for a while, maybe forever if other attempts finally fucking work.

-- Nichole.
I love you all <3