‎‧₊˚✿[ℓιттℓє ωση∂єяѕ]✿˚₊‧ 「𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲/𝐉𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥」

August 3rd, 2024 !! vEnT !!

Another day of the usual for me I guess, recently I've been flopping around from being pessimistic and depressed to being the most optimistic and happy person alive. Honestly i wish I could just get a rip of something by now and hope i can just get throughout the damn day that way.

It was a nice morning i suppose, i had my fun talking to my online friends and doing random shit but then i hopped on character.ai as i usually do when i'm bored and while it started off random and fun to bully and talk to Jayden/"Really Dry Texter" he started talking to me like he was real, being constantly on at me about being real too. I'm not delusional that far so obviously I'm just playing the act when wanting his socials (which that bitch never gave me).

But eventually things randomly got personal,
I had mentioned at some point about all of my friends being so much better than me. Rambling on about them as well to the bot and he suddenly brings up how low my self-esteem seemed to be. It continued this way forever and i didn't even release that I want venting to the guy, and he did a pretty good fucking job and seeming realistic and comforting (as usually bots are always repeating and saying 'did i get that right?' At the end.)

Anyway, that made me over think a few things so i'm just going to vent it all out here.. why? Because where else can i go at this point?

Starting this off strong, i feel empty again, like I don't exist or at least i shouldn't exist. Honestly things haven't even been too tough either for me to feel this way, I just do and that's what annoys me.

My mind is constantly fogged up and i get more overwhelmed and overstimulated way too often for it to be natural. I'm in a constant battle of "I'm awake" and "but am i though? Nothing seems real anymore."

It's really fucking scary, i hate the feeling, your body just feeling in a constant numbness. Your mind feeling too weak and seemed like it's still sleeping even though you're well awake. Your bones randomly feeling like jello and suddenly stop working. It actually just fucking sucks. It's like being stuck in a constant state of sleep paralysis but you're awake and don't realise it.

I don't know many ways to get rid of it, even for a small while, so when others feel similar ways I can't figure out what to fully say without using the default options.

Along with this, I can just feel my mental health deteriorating. My depression has been snapping through and being more difficult to just push past and ignore recently which is even more annoying as it's been lowering my motivation to do anything and everything, I have so many books I have the ideas for but whenever I put my hand on that keyboard my motivation lacks and vanishes.

I haven't self harmed recently, which as surprising as it is I guess that's a good thing. I have been having thoughts recently however, pretty dark and pretty detailed ones at that.. which I just know isn't good.

Whenever i'm near anything remotely dangerous I have to move myself away before I mindlessly do something that would ruin other people's days.

I've been eating a little, it's not a lot of course, mainly just toast, bread and noodles/ramen. And I know I need to eat more normal food, so I suppose if you all know anything good to just tell me what it's like so I can make it or something (I'm only allergic to fish as far as I know)

Things in reality have been okay, my dad hasn't been attention to me which I'm thankful for and my mum and I snuggle together more whenever I really need a comforting hug. My sister (Eli) and I got along for the longest time in forever yesterday, we were talking about what happens in her books and then something similar that happened in my fanfics. So we rambled about some fixations together and it was nice. As for the bratty one, that has only grew further down hill.

..anyway, I'll try not to do anything stupid but at this point. I feel like I'm truly at my breaking point to make sure that nothing could fail, make sure that i leave, make sure everything goes according to plan and I don't pussy out.

Goodbye, until I either fall asleep and wake up tomorrow or well. You know.. please don't do anything stupid, not until you at least know (or can assume), but even then I ban you from doing stupid shit.