‎‧₊˚✿[ℓιттℓє ωση∂єяѕ]✿˚₊‧ 「𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲/𝐉𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥」

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[NOTE TO SELF: take down quickly if things don't fucking happen]

Honestly I feel like complete shit right now. I'm not even sure why because things have been going so smoothly and well lately, I have nothing to really feel horrible about so it's stupid that I feel this way anyway.

People said that I could vent to them but at this point I feel like I'm seeking out for some form of attention from people and that's not what I want. At this point I don't want any attention even, I don't want people, I don't deserve the people I have around me.

My mind has been all over the place lately. I don't know what to do anymore, I haven't been able to force me to do anything like get out of bed, eat, drink. Being on my period is making this all 200x worse for me.

Does anyone feel like their life is just meaningless and you don't deserve living but at the same time you don't deserve the pleasure of dying and escaping life? Who am I kidding this is wattpad and we all have serious issues, everyone feels this way.

...

I really want to die but i'm too unmotivated to even attempt and it seriously pisses me off... so i'll just rant about everything that's going on I guess so warning for everything in general and a lot of random skips because I don't know how to bleed into different information smoothly!

Starting off strong would be my father, I talk about him more than enough for everyone who reads through the vents and simple daily messages on my MB to get a basic gist of our relationship. He's so fucking confusing, he's an asshole no matter what, a creep the majority of the time and then every now and then there's something he does that just reminds me that he's my dad and he can appreciate the fact that I merely exist.

He does sweet things every now and then that makes me feel guilty for actually hating him. I don know how he does that either because I'm not one to feel guilty even if I know that I should.

I don't know how to deal with that crap, my sister (Eli) is kind of the same.. she's been hating me for a while recently and I guess it's just the matter of 'growing up with her to the point she hates you with a burning passion' or something.

I try things, I really do, I don't like when people hate me (but then again, I hate when people like me) so i'm always trying something to make her at least not want to claw my eyes out with a spoon (She actually threatened me and tried to make me bleed when I woke her up: Important thing happened)

But nothing works.

The same with my younger-younger sister, but she genuinely pisses me off whenever she's around (she's Gen Z but holy fuck does she act like Gen alpha in every single way possible).

I get overwhelmed a lot and way too much, I just want my own room so then I can huddle away and die alone (not being dramatic) and to get away from my sisters whenever their talking (Because their EXTREMELY loud and don't know when to shut up or leave the room when I ask them to.)

My mindset has been all over the place as well, i don't know what it is but it's kind of like people talking in my head and telling me to do shit, I'm sure everyone has that at some point and it's not like I'm/their telling me to harm other people (just myself).

I change my personality whenever I'm with different people and have a weird ass alter ego almost type thing and it genuinely pisses me off that this happens and I can't stick to just being me.. but then bringing that up, I don't even know who I fucking am at this point.

Although my mind is just all over the fucking place, at the same time I feel so empty that I don't exist anymore. I just- don't know how to explain it better than I most likely have before, it's a constant cycle of feeling like nothing is happening, feeling like too much is happening, wanting to feel nothing, wanting to feel emotion, hating the fact that this happens, etc.

It pisses other people off as well, I'm sure of it.

I don't care though, other people's opinions don't affect me in anyway.. I would think? I mean I don't care about them at the time and for a while afterwards but i guess eventually it randomly comes to me like that small reminder you did something embarrassing in your past, in which making me care way too much.

I don't want to care about people's opinions.

...

I'm sorry for everything as well, only venting my damn feelings out like i'm the only one that matters. While people unfollowing me definitely makes me a little upset, I can understand why they do it: for the past month or so, it's only been venting or just random shit and not proper updates. Though I guess a warning or something would be cool :/ i don't know-

Anyway, I feel fake.. and I'm both 'I'm not real' and 'I'm not real around YOU' way. I already expressed a little how I feel like i don't exist or the world seems so fake and like a lie or something, like I'm a ghost and already dead or a video game character or something.. but I also feel so unbelievably fake and disgusting whenever I'm here (or around people in general).

I feel like i'm being someone that's not genuine, though at the same time I am being genuine and I know I am so the feelings that I'm not makes me confused and angry at myself.

..I don't know, I really just don't know anymore.

I might die, I might live, it seriously just depends on when I finally get some motivation to do anything.

On a bright side; I've been sleeping! (..I thought I died because I was asleep for two days straight- which also fuck everyone(irl) because I could have been dead and nobody gave a fuck.)

Anyway.. i probably shouldn't do this, but I'll put this vent on a scheduled date (the original date being August 9th 2024) because of the fact that I don want people trying to persuade me into living when I finally get that motivation to figure something fucking out..

Now, if I end up living and just having zero motivation to do anything still then I apologise for not being able to take this down before it gets posted or getting back to anyone that may have tried talking to me at some point.. just know that I could be dead OR I could just be stuck sleeping for a few days, stuck in my bed literally not been able to do much of anything (literally).. etc.

I'll try my best to take this bullshit down if I don't kill myself but in all honesty, I seriously don't know if I can because i haven't been able to force myself to do anything lately (just take my apologies if I end up coming back at last)

I don't want any wattpad funeral (for the fact that I could still be alive and shit-) just like, if y'all care just say "damn bro" or something, I don't care much to be honest.

Now, being dramatic for a little bit and as a "in case" moment then here:

To all my 'friends' that i've made this past year, I really hope that all of you are okay, don't do anything fucking stupid like i'm trying so hard to do. You're all worth everything in my heart, which honestly might not mean a lot to you but still.

I would say more, but honestly I don't want it to be worse or anything and I don't know what to say that I don't tell you all daily...

Anyway, remember there's a chance I'm still alive.. so don't do anything incredibly fucking stupid (if you would anyway) and give it like two more weeks before y'all "pull the plug" or something—

If I am alive still by the time this gets posted (I've written the time and date down) I'll hope that I have motivation or something to be able to force me to take it down before it gets posted at all.

So, for now (or forever; idk)
— Nichole.