a Story

a Story XXVI

September 16th 2024:

Yes I am dumb, yes I don't understand math, but help me understand, don't just stand there and keep looking at the message, I am self-aware too, you know? So instead of shaming, I surely wouldn't mind a bit of help, and if you don't want to help me and just keep telling me that I am dumb just go away, leave me alone, because I am not going to beg for your help. I bet his mother said the same thing as mine, don't befriend those who will bring you down, the losers, the dumb people, I do not accept it when she says it, but does he?

Insecurity strikes again, he was looking for an explanation and how to help. That guy made an eight minutes long audio, and kept sending more audios so that I get the idea, fuck I feel bad.

A friend of mine asked me to ask her a question, and she can't lie, I told her "if I disappeared for a while, and you asked about my whereabouts, and found out that I died, what would you do?", she said that she will be sad, and that she will cry. Am I really worth those tears though? It is not like I said I killed myself, you don't need to feel guilt, death happens, it's inevitable. 

What the fuck did I just think? Death is okay, wait, I have been saying that for so much time, did my mind really accommodate itself to the concept of death? Did I really accept death? I have been to funerals, I have seen people cry a lot because of that, even I did cry for that person who lost the battle against that disease, but why? How did I accept death so easily. I am scared of what I've become, are there people like that in the world too? Do people really think like I did? I have been thinking like this since the very beginning of this story and I just realized that I have made death a very normal concept, no wonder I felt weird when she said that she will cry, or is this me seeing myself as a worthless person? Oh my god, it's like I have been struck with this realization, this is crazy, I need time to process things. I will still share my thought process, this is going to be a good night for me and my thoughts.

So, I, the Writer, made death the most normal thing in my life. I do remember saying things like death will always be with me, but to think that someone's tears over my dead body was awkward to me, did I go a little be too overboard? It's as if I just woke up from a trance, this feels strange, I don't know what to think anymore. But, I do know that, I don't deserve love. Wait, I didn't make death normal, I didn't suppress this primal fear, I instead rejected any form of love, and in this case, those tears of sadness were awkward to me because I convinced myself that I don't deserve to be loved. Wow, it's like the therapist and the patient here, this is crazier, to understand what led me to think like that and what caused each thought process, I love to do this. But I can't read other people's thoughts, even my thoughts took a while to understand, and I am still not sure if I understood them completely, so how the fuck am I going to understand other people's thoughts? Maybe I can befriend them to know them better, that's what therapists do, so I do have a way to do that.

Maybe this state of mind right now is not going to last for a while, I might wake up tomorrow and go back again at it, maybe if she reminds of that topic I might remember, but this is hopeless, people forget.

September 17th 2024:

To think that I have many opportunities that were all destroyed because of others, I could have studied abroad but mother is too afraid, I could have gotten in that class if it weren't for that fucker of a teacher. My fate is always bound to other people's doings and choices, I don't have a choice on my own, everything gets decided by them, I hate this life, a shitty life, I hate this country, I hate this world. I lost my fucking future because of their selfishness, so you know what? I am going to selfish too, fuck others, fuck this world, I had enough of this. 

Shit, I am lost in work again, I don't know what to do, it pisses me off each time, I feel like a retarded asshole who can't pick the pen and do something great with his life, I hate this shit, I hate this feeling. I have been playing for a while to forget that pain but it doesn't wash off, I keep thinking about this constantly and my mind is not planning on letting go any time soon. I will force myself to write down what I managed to understand until now, the homework isn't finished but still I have done a great part. I still need to check that other exam and write the rest of that translation, fuck, fuck, why does this never end at all? I will go drink something to cool my ass off, it's already hot in here and I can't even think properly, maybe that will help.

It did not.

Why the fuck do people that I rely on keep letting me down? Fuck you father.

I stopped writing on the document, each time I copy the text here it keeps having those weird bugs where some spaces disappear and words get stuck to each other. Why do I think about her again? Maybe because her birthday was on a thirteenth and this is the twenty-sixth part so it's a multiple of the former. Fuck I hate my mind so much, I am planning on forgetting her, so stop with those shitty coincidences.