Unauthorized GOP Cabaret Night

Scene 4: Everybody Ought to Have a Gun

[The stage lights go out. When the lights return, DAN SULLIVAN is cleaning a gun. MIKE CRAPO enters. They engage in an awkward conversation that was obviously scripted by people who want to defund the arts.]

MIKE CRAPO:

Well hey there Dan. What are you up to?

DAN SULLIVAN:

Just cleaning my gun.

MIKE CRAPO:

No way? (Pulls out his own gun from his waistband) I just did that this morning. Guns sure are great.

DAN SULLIVAN:

I like guns. They're neat. They're what separate us from all those other non-free countries. It's something no household should be without.

[To the tune of "Everybody Ought to Have a Maid" from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. Note: There are a couple pauses during the song where dialogue occurs.]

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

MIKE CRAPO:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

DAN SULLIVAN:

EVERYBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO SELF DEFENSE

EVERYBODY HAS THE RIGHT THERE'S NO PRETENSE

SO MENTION THAT TO THE HOUSE

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

MIKE CRAPO:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

DAN SULLIVAN:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A FIREARM

TO SAVE THEMSELVES FROM DIRE HARM

(Cradling his gun)

AND PORTABLE AS A MOUSE.

OH, OH, WHAT AN HONORABLE MISSION

FILLING THE AMMUNITION,

FITTING IT IN

OH, OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SO RIGHTEOUS,

PRIMER MEETS

FIRING PIN

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

MIKE CRAPO:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

DAN SULLIVAN:

SOMETHING TO RELY ON WHEN YOU'RE SHORT OF HELP

TO OFFER YOU THE SORT OF HELP

YOU NEVER GET FROM A SPOUSE:

RECRUITING AT THE PLAYGROUND,

AND LOOTING AT THE STORE FRONT

WE'RE SHOOTING AT THE CRIM'NALS

POLLUTING ALL THE ROADWAYS

REFUTING BILLS FROM THE HOUSE!

MIKE CRAPO:

OH, OH, WHAT AN HONORABLE MISSION

FILLING THE AMMUNITION,

FITTING IT IN

DAN SULLIVAN:

OH, OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SO RIGHTEOUS

MIKE CRAPO:

PRIMER MEETS

FIRING PIN.

DAN SULLIVAN: