Unauthorized GOP Cabaret Night

Scene 8: Ya Got Trouble (with Public Schools)

[BETSY DEVOS enters]

BETSY DEVOS:

I applaud your conviction Senator Blackburn.

MARSHA BLACKBURN:

Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos?

BETSY DEVOS:

In the flesh. (a beat) But even with the truth on your side, you may be fighting a losing battle. Do you ever wonder why so many people believe in "climate change" and other falsities these days? It's because the democrats have been brainwashing the youth.

MARSHA BLACKBURN:

I should have known. Only the lowest scum of the earth would stoop to indoctrinating children.

BETSY DEVOS:

Not only that—but they're doing it with our hard earned tax dollars! Everybody gather 'round!

[BETSY DEVOS motions for people to join her and the GOP SENATORS enter and crowd around her.]

[To the tune of "Ya Got Trouble" from The Music Man.]

BETSY DEVOS:

Friends, either you're closing your eyes

To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge

Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated

By the presence of government schools in your community

WELL, YA GOT TROUBLE, MY FRIEND, RIGHT HERE,

I SAY, TROUBLE RIGHT HERE IN EVERY CITY

WHY SURE I'M A WELL-VERSED LADY,

CERTAINLY MIGHTY PROUD TO SAY

I'M ALWAYS MIGHTY PROUD TO SAY IT

I CONSIDER THAT THE HOURS I SPEND

WITH A PEN IN MY HAND ARE GOLDEN

HELP YOU CULTIVATE BOOK SMARTS

FROM AN AIRHEAD WITH HER BRIGHT EYES

DID YA EVER TAKE AND TRY TO GIVE

A SURE FIRE "A" TO YOURSELF

FROM A THREE-PAGE BOOK REPORT?

BUT JUST AS I SAY

IT TAKES JUDGMENT, BRAINS, AND MATURITY TO PASS

IN ANY HIGH-END CLASS

I SAY THAT ANY THUG CAN GO

AND GRADUATE FROM A STATE SCHOOL

AND THEY CALL THAT SLOTH

THE FIRST BIG STEP ON THE ROAD

TO THE DEPTHS OF DEG-RA-DAY--

I SAY, FIRST,

THEY'RE LEECHING OFF SCHOOL THROUGH THE 12TH GRADE

THEN WELFARE TOMORROW

AND THE NEXT THING YA KNOW,

YOUR SON IS WASTING YOUR MONEY

AND YOUR NEIGHBOR'S TOO

AND LIST'NIN TO SOME NEW LIBERAL TEACHER

HEARIN' HIM TELL ABOUT COMMUNISM.

NOT A WHOLESOME SCARE TACTIC, NO!

BUT A WAY WHERE KIDS CAN THINK FOR THEMSELVES!

LIKE TO SEE SOME STUCK-UP NERDY BOY

READING UP KARL MARX?

MAKE YOUR BLOOD BOIL?