Unauthorized GOP Cabaret Night

Scene 3: Lindsey Graham

[As the song fades out, the GOP SENATORS exit the stage and the lights dim. On the last beat of the song, a spotlight shines on LINDSEY GRAHAM]

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

Now here in America, we love a good underdog story. Like the young shepherd, David, defeating the gigantic warrior, Goliath with nothing more than a slingshot. Or thirteen little colonies fighting back against the terrible, taxing tyrant, King George, and ultimately gaining independence and becoming the greatest country in the world. Think of the self made millionaires and billionaires like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, even the president himself. Their stories give us hope. (A beat) Well, here's another story to inspire you. It's about a simple senator, who didn't become the president in 2016, or even win a single primary, but he still grew up to be one of the most powerful men in the nation.

[To the tune of "Roxie Hart" from Chicago.]

THE NAME ON ALL THE CABLE SCREENS IS GONNA BE: LINDSEY

THE ONE WHO'S GAINING WEALTH AND MEANS IS GONNA BE: LINDSEY

I'M GONNA BE A CELEBRITY,

JUST FOR COVERING UP QUID PRO QUOS,

THEY'RE GONNA RECOGNISE MY LIES, MY VOTE "NO WITNESSES DEPOSE"

NO NEED TO REACH ACROSS THE AISLE, I'M GONNA BE: LINDSEY

WHO SAYS IMPEACHMENT'S NOT A SHAM?

OUR GOVERNMENT'S BECOME A SHOW

BUT WHO'S HELPING DIRECT IT THOUGH?

LINDSEY GRAHAM

[LINDSEY GRAHAM signals for his background singers (MALE FOX NEWSIES)]

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

Boys

ALL:

I'LL (HE'LL) NEVER STRAY FROM PARTY-LINE, GET USED TO ME (HIM)

LINDSEY!

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

THINK OF THE PARDONS WE CAN SIGN:

You're free to go

ALL:

LINDSEY!

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

AND I'LL APPEAR LOOKING QUITE SINCERE DESPITE ALL MY CRITIQUES IN THE PAST

FOX NEWSIES:

HERE A TWEET, THERE A TWEET,

EVERYDAY IT'S TRICK OR TREAT

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

BUT HENCHMEN NEVER GET HARRASSED!

I'm a star!

Now I know that some people might think I'm a hypocrite due to my comments during the 2016 election, but I call it character development. I was naive back then. A dewy-eyed idealist just shy of 60 years. I thought governing required policies and even an ounce of integrity, but in reality, all that matters is connections. I mean, who needs convictions when you can have pure, unadulterated power instead?

And that's just politics...Baby!

FOX NEWSIES:

HE'S GONNA WRITE THE LAWS IN STYLE.

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

I'M GONNA BE,

sing it!

ALL:

LINDSEY!

FOX NEWSIES:

HE'LL FIGHT COMMIES FOR UNCLE SAM

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

AND WHO WILL UNDERMINE THE BLUE WAVE,

BY TAP DANCING ON FREEDOM'S GRAVE,

LINDSEY GRAHAM!

FOX NEWSIES:

(Fading out) Lindsey...Lindsey...Lindsey...Lindsey...Lindsey...Lindsey...Lindsey