Unauthorized GOP Cabaret Night

Scene 9: You Can't Trust a Man Dressed in Tan Suits

[MITCH MCCONNELL steps forward]

MITCH MCONNELL:

With the left always trying to change this great country, it's important to remember our roots in the past and why we keep fighting the good fight.

[ALL ONSTAGE begin spinning around as they exit, muttering things like "the past", "back in time", "time travel", etc. until it is just MITCH MCCONNELL and RAND PAUL left onstage. TUCKER CARLSON walks across the stage holding a sign labeled "August 28th, 2014".]

RAND PAUL:

(Pointing offstage)

Look at him go!

I'd hate to let him get too far to the left.

MITCH MCONNELL:

Well, a fella dressed in that fashion ain't gonna be too hard to attack.

RAND PAUL:

Sure isn't a professional tan suit.

MITCH MCONNELL:

Oh Rand, There's no such thing as a professional tan suit.

I don't know, Rand, I got a bad feeling under him our democracy's gonna fall apart, like wet bread.

[To the tune of "You Can't Trust a Man Dressed in Yellow" from Tuck Everlasting.]

YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN DRESSED IN TAN SUITS

NO, NO,

ONLY A ROGUE WEARS THAT HUE

WHEN MEN WILL ACQUIRE

SUCH CASUAL ATTIRE

FLOCKS THE BROKES TO HIM

AND THE KOCHS TO YOU

THEY'RE TRICKSY

ALL MEN DRESSED IN TAN SUITS

SOMETHING DEADLY IN THEIR LIVELIHOOD

HE MUST BE COMPENSATING

RAND PAUL:

ALSO FABRICATING

MITCH MCONNELL:

(laughs)

Oh Rand, there you go again!

"Fabric-hating"

If he hated the fabric he would have never bought the suit

HE MUST BE COMPENSATING

RAND PAUL:

ALSO,

LYING

BOTH:

'BOUT WHY HE THINKS TAXES ARE GOOD

MITCH MCONNELL:

OH YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN DRESSED TAN SUITS

MIGHT AS WELL WORE HIS MANY QURAN SUITS

I BET HE SUPPORTS WOMEN IN PANTSUITS

BOTH:

YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN-

RAND PAUL:

Who likes dijon mustard!

MITCH MCONNELL:

Also,

ELISTST FOOD SNOBS CAN'T BE TRUSTED

SOMETHING WICKED THERE BREWS ON THEIR PLATE

THOSE SPICES AND SAUCES

MEAN DOW AND JONES LOSSES

IT ALL SEEMS VERY NOT STRAIGHT

I SAY

CONNOISSEUR MEN CAN'T BE TRUSTED

FLASHY BIG-WIGS, INVADING OUR MEAL

THEY SWOOP IN LIKE VULTURES

START CHANGING THE CULTURES

TO EXPOSE US TO PROTESTING FOOTBALL MEN WHO

(Momentarily freezes as if having a stroke)

RAND PAUL:

(Tapping MITCH MCCONNELL to get his attention) Kneel, Mitch?

MITCH MCONNELL:

(Coming back to it, exhales deeply)

I hate them

CONNOISSEUR MEN CAN'T BE TRUSTED

THEY'RE ALL ACUTELY MALADJUSTED

WHO KNOWS HOW "ARUGULA" IS DUSTED

BOTH:

NO YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN-

RAND PAUL:

Who wasn't born here!

MITCH MCONNELL:

DID YOU NOTICE HIS PECULIAR BIRTH NAME?

HIS BIRTH PLACE--HE'S YET TO CONFIRM

RAND PAUL:

HE'S WEARING WITH PRIDE

A NAME RIGHT FROM AL-QAEDA

MITCH MCONNELL:

WE MUST STOP HIM–

RAND PAUL:

Hussein!

MITCH MCONNELL:

FROM SERVING FULL TERM

UNAMERICAN

BOTH:

WATCH IT IF HE SOUNDS LEBANESE

MITCH MCONNELL:

AND A CONNOISSEUR MAN CAN'T BE TRUSTED

RAND PAUL:

HIS FANS HAVE GOT A MENTAL DISEASE

BOTH:

AND YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN DRESSED IN TAN SUITS!

EVEN IF HE SHOWS EXPERTISE

COMMINGLE ALL OF THESE

YOU'LL SEE THE RECIPE'S

ONE BAD MAN

ONE BAD MAN

ONE BAD MAN

MITCH MCONNELL:

Come along, Rand

Let's dig up the past.