Transformers: Eradication

Part 20: The Coneheads and Thundercracker Fix Soccer

Back in Ohio, Fowler calls up somebody to pick him up. He of course has to wait for some time. While waiting he witnesses the destruction of MECH headquarters via an air strike from the military. The building collapses into rubble thanks to the military. A helicopter arrives to take Fowler to the airport.

"Sir, what happened to your arm?"

"A hiking accident, I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Are you getting paid to question me, soldier?"

"No sir."

"Now take me to the airport asap. I got a bad feeling about all this."

Now the next destination is South America. It's like America but south. It's also less clean and more humid than it's northern counterpart. But by far the biggest offense is the sport they pioneered has more of an identity issue than Animated. The Coneheads and Thundercracker arrive to conquer it. Thundercracker is making his lack of enjoying his partnership with the Coneheads very apparent.

Thunder: (complaining) "I can't believe I'm stuck here with these losers, and back in South America of all places!"

Dirge: "This isn't exactly our idea of a vacation either."

Thrust: "You've been here before?"

Thunder: "Yeah it's where I kept falling on my face. Oh yeah and we met those Insecticons here."

Ramjet: "Cool story bro."

Thunder: "And here I am again with the queers three."

Ramjet: "Oh yeah? You're hard and lumpy!"

Thunder: "I'm always hard and lumpy."

Dirge: "Not to mention you have poor manners."

Thunder: "I don't need manners. I have my looks."

Ramjet: "If you call that looks I'm scared to ask what you think is ugly."

Thrust: "Shots fired!.... Oh no I'm afraid of shots!"

Thunder: "If it were up to me I'd rather scrap all of you!"

Dirge: "Then it's a good thing you aren't it charge then. You couldn't lead us through a paper bag."

Thunder: "Watch it pointy!"

Thrust: "So uh, are we going to conquer this country or what?"

Thunder: "Might as well get this over with."

The four fly to Brazil, and of course it's nothing like they expected.

Dirge: "This place is a dump!"

Ramjet: "What a letdown."

Thrust: "I'm afraid of dumps."

Thunder: "Is there anything you aren't afraid of?"

Dirge: "I'm afraid not."

Thrust: (proudly) "That's not true. I once walked the entire base all by myself."

Thunder: "There aren't enough wows I can use to describe how lame you are."

Thrust: "You're just jealous of me because I'm handsome!"

Thunder: (sarcastic) "Totally."

The four fire missiles at the civilians to get their attention. Ramjet hums a nice tune while blowing the humans to smithereens. They all seem to be having fun until Thrust stumbles upon a little girl with a teddy bear.

Thrust: (shaking) "Oh no..."

Ramjet: "What now?"

Thrust: "It's a little girl."

Thunder: "So?"

Thrust: "My dad died facing a little girl!"

Ramjet: "Seriously?"

Thrust: "I'm gonna die too!"

Thunder: "You must have the lamest family genetics ever."

Thrust: "Shut up man!"

Ramjet braves the challenge to face the child.

Ramjet: "Scram or else you're going to be joining their people in a nice explosion fest."

The girl complies and runs off, relieving Thrust of his fears."

Thrust: "Thank you Ramjet."

Dirge: "Are you feeling better?"

Thrust: "Yes I am."

Thunder: "This is getting ridiculous."

Dirge: "Go easy on him, he has issues."

Thunder: "That's all he's good for. Issues!"

Thrust: "Hey!"

Dirge: "Your attitude grows tiresome."

Thunder: "Shut it squidhead!"

Dirge: "I loathe that name."

Thunder: "And you know what? Why do you call yourselves the Coneheads if only two of you have pointed heads?"

Dirge: "Because the two pointy heads and one normal guy didn't have as nice a ring to it."

Ramjet: "It's not like we wanted that name anyway."

Thunder: "Well I'm fixing things right here and right now!"

Thundercracker runs into the streets and grabs a traffic cone. He eyes Thrust, and through the reflection in his visor he knows the crazy idea that Thundercracker has in store for him. Thrust starts running away with Thundercracker in hot pursuit.

Thunder: "Get back here mister different! You're going to wear this cone and you are going to like it!"

Thundercracker finally catches up to him and slams the traffic cone on top of his head.

Thunder: "Now you're equals!"

Thrust is now blinded due to the cone covering his entire head. Thrust's head is rather small for an average sized Decepticon. He just flails around, running into trees and buildings. When he finally does get the cone off it's too late. He falls off of a bridge and lands face first into the ground. Thundercracker and Ramjet both wind up laughing at him. Dirge isn't impressed by his peer's idiotic behavior.

Dirge: "The two of you are disgraceful."

Thunder: "What's wrong Squidhead? This too insulting for you?"

Dirge: "Please, the only insult you've inflicted upon us is your stench."

Thunder: "I do not stink! I had a bath fifteen days ago!"

Ramjet: "I'd hate to get in the middle of this lover's spat, but are we going to finish conquering this crap hole or what?"

Dirge: "Ramjet for once has the right idea. Let's not postpone this continent's subjugation any longer."

The Decepticon army finally arrives to take care of what resistance there is. There isn't much because most of the economy is spent on sports. The Circuit Breaker prototypes fly out of the motherships. These versions have more guns than the movie versions.

Thunder: "So they finally have those things working."

Thrust: "You know what those are?"

Thunder: "I lived it. The prototype almost killed me."

Dirge: "How unfortunate that you survived."

Thunder: "You can't kill the cracker, he just keeps coming backer."

Dirge: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

The finale arrives, but not what the four were expecting. There is a huge soccer field and a bunch of people are seeming to wait for them. Believe it or not the humans have decided to put their fate in a soccer match against the four. The first to three goals wins. If the Decepticons win then the continent is theirs. If they lose then they leave.

Dirge: "It appears they want to challenge us."

Thunder: "I hate this sport so much."

Thrust: "Why?"

Thunder: "Because they call it futbol here. It's Soccer."

Dirge: "They are the ones who pioneered it yes? They have the right to call it what they like."

Thunder: 'That's ******ed! You're ******ed! This whole place is ******ed!"

Ramjet: "C'mon let's show these chickens how we handle real sports back on Cybertron."

The game begins and the Decepticons immediately take their opponents for granted as they speed past them and score the first point.

Thrust: "Wow we suck."

Dirge: "The fight is not over yet."

The humans kick the balls right into the Thrust and Thundercrackers' faces, and it knocks them down.

Thrust: (panicking) "They're fighting back! I hate it when something fights back!"

Thunder: "These are not the kind of balls I'd imagine in this situation!"

The humans shift their focus on Ramjet, which proves to be a major mistake. One human aims the shot directly at his head. Ramjet headbutts it, and it deflects right into the head on the human, cracking his skull and bouncing off his face right into the goal to score their first point.

Ramjet: "That was yummy!"

Thunder: "Take that losers!"

The next point starts and the Decepticons start shooting the humans with their missiles, killing about a 4th of the team. Regardless they missed one that squeaks by and scores the second point for them.

Humans: (chanting) "Futbol futbol futbol!"

Thunder: "It's soccer you morons. SOCCER!"

the next round starts. Dirge takes the spotlight this time, using the sonic breaker to make any humans nearby that try to stop him explode. Dirge easily scores the second point.

Dirge (gloating) "This is far too easy!"

It all comes down to this. The Decepticons throw out all their tricks, blowing up as much of the are as they can. but there still remains one human determined to save his home. The strafes past Thundercracker, who tries to stab him with his sword. He chases after the human, but then the human does something totally unexpected. He kicks the ball to Thundercracker, who trips over the ball, twisting his ankle.

Thunder: "You have got to be kidding me!"

Dirge: "Stop him, Thrust!"

Thrust runs after him, but slips on the grass and lands face first on the ground. You can hear his muffled cries in embarrassment. It's up to Dirge and Ramjet to stop him. Ramjet attempts to crush him with a tackle but only just misses. Dirge transforms to impale him with his nosecone, but it's too late. The human kicks it into the goal, and they have on the freedom of their continent. Dirge's eye is twitching, Thrust cries harder, and Ramjet starts beating his head into the dirt.

Dirge: "What are you doing?"

Ramjet: "I'm a woodpecker (continues beating) cept with dirt!"

the humans are happy in their celebration, but that just intensifies Thundercracker's anger.

Thunder: "We don't have to take this, we're Decepticons!"

Dirge: "Yes we are."

Thunder: "Let's just kill them now."

It should be obvious that Decepticons are notoriously sore losers. The typical way of coping with a loss is killing off the entire enemy team, which is exactly what they do. Thrust overheats their weapons, Thundercracker launches his cluster missiles to do create a massive explosion, Dirge uses his custom blade to slice of some heads, and Ramket grabs a human. He then ruthlessly headbutts him, and his head explodes into chunky pieces.

Ramjet: -licking lips- "Oh baby that hits the spot!"

Thundercracker makes a human kabob with his sword, and the other generics destroy what's left. The victory is theirs. Thundercracker has the humans sign a contract that forces them to call their sport soccer from now on. In honor of their victory a statue of Megatron is put in the center. Thundercracker tries to pose with it, but accident fires a missile that destroys the statue.

Thrust: "Megatron won't like that."

Dirge: "Forget him, it's time to look to the future."

Thunder: "Future?"

Dirge: "Tell me Thundercracker, where will you be in the coming apocalypse?"

Thunder: "Excuse me?"

Dirge: "Will you want to be on the right side or ill you want to die?"

Thunder: "Be alive, duh."

Dirge: "Good, then you might be useful to us after all?"

Thunder: "Us? And Gee I don't know. You guys aren't exactly top notch soldiers."

Dirge: "We survived the exploding Nemesis. I think it's safe to say we know how to live."

Thunder: "Fine I'll join your hypothetical situation.

The moral of this story is that you should never take losing lightly. Kill the winners so that it's all yours. The prizes look better with you anyway.

Thunder: "Well that was fun. I wonder how those stupid minions of Soundwave are doing."