Transformers: Eradication

Part 23: Splicer, Frenzy, and Waspinator's Tour de France

Back in Australia, Astrotrain is hating his job having to guard the spacebridge with the Skywarp clone.

(frustrated) "I can't handle the amount of lame this is right now! It's hot, stupid, and I'm all alone with a hollow shell. I might as well get out of this dump while I can."

Astrotrain attempts to leave his job. But the clone unexpectedly tackles him and pins him down. The technology for cloning has vastly improved since the last battle.

(begrudgingly) "Fine I'll stay put. I don't need a babysitter."

The next location on the list is China, the perfect place to get an foreign marketing for a successful franchise. Splicer, Waspinator, and Frenzy all embark on their friendship journey ready for anything.

Frenzy: "Hey thanks again for letting me tag along."

Splicer: "It's no problem."

Frenzy: "Not that I mind or anything, but why did you pick me of all people? Why not Rumble, Squawktalk, or anyone else?"

Splicer: "A few reasons. For starters I wanted a third person to come with me and Waspinator."

Wasp: "Waspinator never gets a vote in these situations."

Splicer: "Tell you what, you can be in charge of what we do when we get to Europe."

Wasp: "Deal."

Frenzy: "What were the other reasons?"

Splicer: "Well I like you, and you are always in Rumble's shadow."

Frenzy: "Yeah, I love my bro but he always gets more attention than me. They even mistake me for him even though we don't look that much alike. Plus he's blue!"

Wasp: "When will people learn that Frenzy is red and Rumble is blue?"

Splicer: "The world may never know."

Frenzy: "So uh, how are we going to get these guys to surrender?"

Splicer: "Did you bring the loudspeaker like I asked?"

Wasp: "Yes."

Splicer turns on the loudspeaker to get the Chinese resident's attention.

Splicer: "Um, is this thing working? Well anyway, we're going to take your country over peacefully now. So don't do anything."

The military arrives with a horde of tanks. Apparently they aren't a fan of subjugation.

Frenzy: (sarcastic) "Yeah I think you really got through to them!"

Splicer: "Oh don't be like that, this was my first time!"

Wasp: "And now it's time to throw down!"

Splicer: "I really don't want to."

Splicer is looking for nonviolent solution to their problem, and quickly comes up with a solution.

Splicer: "Wait! This is where Michael Bay is going to film Transturners five?"

Man: "yes, what important does this have?"

Splicer: "Well, we're all actors in the movie. We're practicing for a scene here and we need your help."

Man: "Why didn't you say so? Of course we can help!"

The motherships arrive and Splicer instructs them to not attack the country. A Vehicon exits one of the ships to take Splicer and his friends to the next destination.

Vehicon: "We are ready to take you to Europe commander Splicer."

Splicer: "Commander?"

Vehicon: "You are the highest ranking member here. We are to follow your orders as you give them."

Splicer: "Oh... alright then. Let's head on over to London."

Vehicon: "As you command."

The three Decepticons ride inside the ship, and Splicer huddles with his friends to discuss an idea he came up with.

Splicer: "Do you know what this means? I'm finally the leader!"

Wasp: "What will you do?"

Frenzy: "Will you make smart strategic decisions that will make Megatron look like he's second rate?"

Splicer: (scoffing) "No way! I'm going to do what all good leaders do and abuse my power in all the best ways!"

Frenzy: "So we can get away with anything?"

Splicer: "You bet."

Frenzy: "Then count me in!"

The Decepticons return to the UK, where all their movies are about people having tea parties and discussing peaches and crumpets. London for the most part has recovered from the battle a year ago. the humans are going about their normal business until some of them see the ships arriving.

Man 1: "Oi mate, what's the last thing you'd think you see?"

Man 2: "What an interesting question, well I think it would be-"

Man 1: "Nah mate, it's blimps."

The people scream in terror of the sight of all these alien ships and pods. Some of the pod crash into buildings, and some people are falling to their doom.

Man 3:" FISH AND CHIIIIIIIIIIIIPS!"

The people would have died, but Waspinator saves them by flying to the rescue. All the Vehicons and random Decepticons are confused by the out of character heroics.

Vehicon: 'What is the meaning of this."

Decepticon: "We have a turncoat on our hands! Destroy him!"

Splicer and Frenzy come to their friend's rescue. Now the others are even more confused.

Splicer: "You will not lay a hand on him because I ordered him to do that."

Vehicon: "Really?"

Splicer: (sharply) "Yes. Now we are going to take this place over peacefully. Anyone who has a problem with that can answer to Megatron when I'm done with them. If there is anything left of them when I'm done having my fun!"

Decepticon: (nervously) "You don't have to tell me twice!"

Splicer kneels down to converse with the humans briefly.

Splicer: "Look, can we just conquer you guys peacefully? We won't bother you at all I promise."

Man: "Mate, we don't want our city destroyed again after last year. We'll take your deal!"

Splicer and the gang leave the newly conquered London for the rest of Europe. Though Splicer gets some surprising news.

Frenzy: "You played the Megatron card huh? Nice move."

Splicer: "Thanks. I didn't think I had it in me."

Wasp: "So were is journey taking us now?"

Splicer: "Good question buddy. Hey captain, are we heading to Ireland or Scotland first?"

Vehicon: "Neither sir. They have already been taken over by the fleet."

Splicer: "....Excuse me?"

Vehicon: "We wished to impress you with our swift might. Is that alright?"

Splicer's expression quickly turns empty, he knows what a swift conquest from the Decepticons means.

Splicer: "How many."

Vehicon: "Pardon?"

Splicer: "How many humans were lost?"

Vehicon: "I believe only eight sir."

Splicer pushes the Vehicon down and slams his fists on the monitor.

Splicer: "I didn't want this to happen. Now the blood of the innocent is on my hands!"

Vehicon: "My most sincere apologies commander. We shall not make the error again."

Splicer: "What's the point? Not even five minutes on the job and somebody has already died on my watch."

Wasp: "Get over it. This is war. People die all the time, well except Waspinator. I always come back."

Frenzy: "Yeah man it wasn't your fault."

Splicer: "I guess you're right. I just want to be a leader that doesn't have to kill to get what he wants."

Frenzy: "I thought you liked Megatron's methods."

Splicer: "I do, but I don't want to be another carbon copy. When the war is finally over I don't want to have kill to get what I want. For his time it's in war, so it's kill or be killed. I want to rule in a peaceful era."

Wasp: "A nice dream, but it's highly unlikely."

Splicer: "I know, but I got to keep believing."

Frenzy: "I know what will cheer you up. We can do things and get away with them now!"

The three Decepticon's eyes sparkle exactly like in an anime.

Splicer: "We can cut in line in the mess hall!"

Frenzy: "We can beat up the guards whenever we want!"

Wasp: "Waspinator can kill a man and not get in trouble with it!"

Splicer: "Good times. So where are we going now?"

Vehicon: "Well the only place that has yet to be conquered is France."

Splicer: "Great, now get me fireworks."

Vehicon: "Fireworks?"

Splicer: "Yes. Is there a problem?"

Vehicon: "No sir, we are just surprised at your request. You can have all the fireworks you desire."

Fireworks explode out if the side of the ship. Waspinator handles one of them and gets his arm caught. It flies out with him still attached, and they both explode in the sky. They have to stop and pick him up. So later they have arrived at France. Though it is 5:30 in the morning. In the meantime they just look out the window, learning more about themselves in the process.

Wasp: "Waspinator misses these peaceful sunrises."

Frenzy: "It's nice to see a time without violence."

Wasp; "For now, but it must continue again."

Frenzy: "What do you mean?"

Wasp: "Waspinator has no place in a peaceful society. He is a soldier, and that's all he ever will be."

Splicer: 'You will have a place I just know it."

Wasp: "That's not the point. Without a war Waspinator isn't the unkillable warrior like the reputation says. I'll just be the guy who can't age or die. A waste of space."

Splicer: "That's not true."

Wasp: (looking away) "It is, and all of his friends die. You're all that's left. Your time will come given the right time."

Splicer: "No way! I'll find a way to live forever just like you, and then I'll bring our friends back!"

Wasp: "What are the odds of the three of them coming back? Impossible. You need to grow up and realize this is it for us."

Splicer: "I can't do that.I can't and won't grow up. It isn't a part of me."

Frenzy: "What do you mean?"

Splicer: "I can't be more mature. It's who I am. I don't want to have to change in order to be please someone else. Life is about experience, and change should only have to be natural if needed, I want to be and nobody else."

Frenzy: "Yeah man I'm with you."

The hour passes after they play some three way chess, and when they step outside the ship they see the people of France have already surrendered.

Wasp: "What is this?"

Splicer; "They already gave up?"

Man: "Yes, we surrendered three hours before you even arrived."

Splicer: "How did you even known we were coming?"

Man: "When you a French, you just know when to surrender."

Splicer: "Alright then."

Vehicon: "Then I believe our work here is done."

Splicer: "Yeah but I want to stay here a little while with my friends. Go back and do some routine checkups on the ships. I have plans for them later."

Vehicon: "Yes sir."

Splicer: "Can someone give us a tour of this place? I want to know a lot about it."

A man with a beret and a thin mustache walks forward.

Man: "Bonne journée. (good day) I am Pierre, and i will happily show you all that France has to offer."

Splicer: "We are honored to be part of this."

Pierre directs them to the nearest clothing store.

Pierre: "As you can see, we have all the latest fashion with our hats."

By fashion he just means the berets have different colors. That's extent of it. After seeing the boredom in their eyes Pierre decides to take them out to lunch at one of their most acclaimed restaurants. Frenzy has some frog legs and Splicer tries some escargot. He actually enjoys it. Waspinator sees some water scorpions with peppers and black garlic. Being an insect himself this is like cannibalism to him.

Wasp: (blankly) "This is cruel."

Frenzy: "This tastes like someone's cat."

Pierre: "This tastes like everyone's cat."

Splicer: "So uh, got anything else?"

Pierre: "Yes, want a smoke?"

Splicer: "No thanks I like being squeaky clean."

Wasp: "Waspinator will try it."

Waspinator tries it, and it goes exactly like you would expect. He coughs violently and falls over, and the still lit cigar lands on his head, burning a hole in it. Frenzy brought his own, and it's over three feet long. He's even wearing shades.

Frenzy: "Is this too MLG pro for you?"

Splicer spots some very long pieces of bread over in the next table.

Splicer: "What are those?"

Pierre: "Those are baguettes."

Splicer: "We'll take a hundred."

Frenzy: "Sweet!"

The Vehicons gather the baguettes and load them onto the ship. Splicer's next idea catches the rest of them off guard.

Splicer: "Can you direct us to the nearest library?"

Frenzy: "Library?"

Pierre: "Yes it's just one mile north. What you possibly want with books?"

Splicer: "To learn about your culture and history of course! What do we look like to you? Savages?"

Frenzy: "What is this? I hate reading!"

Splicer: "Too bad. As Megatron once told me the more you learn the more you earn."

Wasp: "Wise policy."

At the library The three crack open some books. The only ones of note are the ones that Splicer finds. Both of these entries are from French vikings back in the 800's and from sailors from the 1400's. Splicer realizes as he's reading them that these are rather disturbing stories. Yet there is something in the back of his head that is telling him that there may be some truth behind them. The first is from the vikings talking about the Aurora Borealis during a trip to Scotland. The text has been translated to English thanks to Splicer's assistance.

The Aurora Borealis. Such a sight she is to help us guide our conquest, but last night's sky had given us a much darker picture. Is it an omen, or was it our imagination? The lights assumed the form of red and black, and among the stars laid a cluster of them covered in dust. A galaxy? Though they did not resemble any real stars, in fact I believe there was only one object illuminating it. But what will haunt me and my men for the rest of my days were the the hands that wanted it. There was one giant hand that came close, and for a minute there I saw someone in the sky. A dark man in a throne of shadows. With those horns, I would bet my life it was the devil himself making an appearance. Yet it felt like something neither man nor beast. The monster of the shadows is watching us all. Lord help us.

Splicer turns the next page to see an artist's rendition of the sight, and it looks just like the galaxy that Megatron saw in his nightmare, only the there is more hand reaching for it. he decides to read the second text about a voyage to the Bermuda Triangle during the eclipse. The point of view is from a captain that dared not to venture inside.

I watched my comrades sail into the triangle. I dared not venture inside that accursed area. It smelled of trouble. It was the last time I ever saw my friends as I saw my nightmares become a reality. The fog arrived without warning, and the last moment i saw of their ship was after hearing a terrifying scream and watching something drag their ship into the dark abyss. I will never forget what I saw, and nobody including myself can quite believe it. This land is cursed I know it.

Splicer: (to himself) "Looks like there is more to the blue marble than I thought. I don't feel as comfortable anymore. I can't tell the others that, not yet anyway.

Splicer beckons them to do some bike riding with them. This doesn't turn out the way he wanted it since Frenzy keeps falling over and Waspinator keeps getting his legs caught while trying to pedal, usually ending with him tearing them off. The frustrated leader just gets them back to the ship so he can ponder. During all the silence Frenzy pokes his head in the boxes filled with baguettes. He gets the idea in his head and bonks Waspinator over the head with it. He tries to do it to Splicer, but he cuts with with his blades without even looking at him.

Splicer: "I finally know what we should do."

Frenzy: "What?"

Splicer: "Baguette battle!"

Splicers tosses baguettes to his friends and every Vehicon in the ship. A massive battle erupts with everyone whacking each other with baguettes. Pieces are just flying everywhere as fun chaos consume it. Splicer of course is the champion due to his superior training. Everyone else is just laughing it up because it's the most fun they've had in years.

Frenzy: "I must be the luckiest Minicon ever!"

Wasp: "You're a Minicon?"

Frenzy: "Yeah I thought you knew."

Wasp: "Frenzy doesn't look like a Minicon."

Splicer: 'That's because there are different classes. Frenzy, Rumble, Slugfest, and Overkill are deployer class. Then there are symbiotic Minicons that have a connection to their owner. They can be gauntlets, boots, spikes, or whatever the owner wants them to be. Then there are tool Minicons which can become any tool they want. Then the smallest ones are the augmenters which can be made as weapons or in Sideways's case some helmets. Lastly there are the micro Minicons that have random abilities."

Wasp: "Waspinator has learned so much."

Frenzy: "You bet you have!"

Splicer: "there is one last thing i want to do before we end this."

Frenzy: "What's that?"

Splicer: "I want a race with the three motherships. We'll each drive one. The first to the eiffel tower wins."

Frenzy: "But I never learned how to drive."

Splicer: "Me neither. We're still doing it though."

And so the three fools decide to take control of the motherships and race to the tower. The moment the race begins it is clear that was a monumental mistake. Frenzy is violently turning the steering wheel, and it keeps crashing into buildings. Waspinator in a panic somehow turned the ship upside down. Despite this he is still flying it. Splicer is just recklessly switching directions, humming a tune while the rest of the crew screams in terror. They all reach the tower at the same time, and all the ships crash into each other. There is a massive explosion and all the ships crash. Many Vehicons lost their lives and the tower is destroyed as well. Splicer and Frenzy crawl out of the wreckage and find Waspinator's head. Splicer starts crying believing he killed his friend.

Frenzy: "Dude.... you know he's coming back right."

Splicer: (embarrassed) "Oh yeah. I kinda forgot about that."

Waspinator reforms, but a random Decepticon arrives and is very angry.

Decepticon: (Furious) "You almost had me killed. I can't wait to take your head!"

Frenzy pounds his piledrivers down to knock the Decepticon off balance. ANd the remaining Vehicons arrest the the Decepticon.

Vehicon: 'What shall we do with him commander?"

Splicer: (nonchalant) "Put him to death, I got stuff to do."

Decepticon: 'What? This is an outrage! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

You can see the Decepticon being dragged through the reflection in Splicer's eyes. He just smiles blankly like sociopath now that he understands power. Frenzy and Waspinator are horrified yet impressed at their friend.

Frenzy: ".....You're going to make a great leader one day."

Pierre: "The tower, she is ruined!"

Splicer: "Don't worry I know seven awesome guys who can fix this up no problem. I promise."

Pierre: "Really? Thank you."

Wasp: "This was one crazy adventure."

Splicer: "You think this was crazy? Trust me when I say that whatever the Constructicons are doing right now is way crazier than what we did."

Splicer was right, and the Constructicons were about to embark on one of their weirdest journeys yet.