Your Beauty Never, Ever Scared Me - Wintumn Stories

10 Weeks

TW - Allusion to past miscarriage. PAST. 

Autumn was doing fine.

She really was. The week was going far better than she thought it would. The nursery was still closed for the holidays, so she and Winter had another few days to spend at home, just the two of them. They'd already spent so much time with their families and going out that they wanted to just enjoy each other's company during what they hoped would be their last holiday season alone.

This was the week they had been most dreading since finding out Autumn was expecting again, so they appreciated the fact that they wouldn't have to work. According to the estimates given at their first appointment she had hit 10 weeks the Saturday after New Year's Day. At that point the high of telling Winter's parents and the excitement of the party hadn't worn off, so the date hadn't really phased them. Their family knew how worried they were going to be that week, so they planned to visit them when they could. Early in the week Winter's parents invited them out to celebrate their news "properly," treating them to lunch and insisting on buying a couple items for the baby. Marjorie and Reece had been over as well. Reece cooked them all dinner while they talked about his and Marjorie's wedding planning and the baby. The couple felt so surrounded by love that they didn't have time to focus on any of their worries.

But once Friday rolled around, the mood couldn't have been more different. Autumn woke to an empty bed, feeling as if she'd just woken up from an incredibly long dream. Her mind had convinced her that nothing that had happened in the last few months had ever been real. That instead her worst fears had come true. She'd let everyone down and she'd lost the few things that made her life worth living. She was alone again.

Her anxieties were running away with her. She felt herself begin to panic and found that she couldn't move. She started crying softly as all of her grief came flooding back and a life flashed before her eyes. Her child's life. Her first child. She and Winter had everything planned. They knew how they were going to decorate the nursery, they planned their first Christmas, their first birthday, they even had names picked. Their baby would never want for anything and would know, without a doubt, that they were the most important thing in their parents' life.

She thought about how they would have looked. She always imagined her first would be a little boy. The spitting image of Winter, but a Knight through and through. A gentle soul with incredibly kind eyes. The most outgoing little boy you'd have ever met who loved reading and playing games with his father. She saw him loving the arts as much as they did, dancing around the house to records with her, and stargazing with his uncle till the early hours of the morning. He'd have grown up with an incredible support system who would attend every event and love him no matter who he grew up to be. They had so much love for someone that they hadn't even met, someone that they would never meet.

After what felt like an eternity, Autumn was able to focus on the sounds in the room. She heard the shower faintly running and then suddenly come to a stop. Realizing that Winter would be back with her soon made her feel like she could finally move again. Without thinking her hand moved instinctively to her bump. As she ran her fingers over it, she couldn't help but break down. She felt so happy, so scared, and so guilty at the same time. She couldn't wait to meet her baby, their baby, but at the same time she was worried they had moved on too fast. She didn't want the love she had for this child to diminish the love she still felt for her first baby. She didn't want them to be forgotten.

When Winter came back into the room and saw Autumn crying he rushed right to her side. Even with everything they'd gone through, she was still not an emotional person. He could only count on one hand the number of times he'd seen her this upset in all the time they'd been together. She seemed to calm down quickly as he wrapped his arms around her tightly and pulled her into his chest. He noticed that she was holding her stomach and his heart dropped.

"My love?"

His voice was soft and calm as he placed his hand over hers. If she was going through this again he needed to be strong for her. She looked into his eyes and saw him starting to fight his own tears. As she realized what he must be thinking she quickly calmed herself down.

"Oh! No! No, no, no, no, my sweet, I'm fine. We're fine! I'm just...I've been thinking about..."

She couldn't even finish her sentence before Winter placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

"I have too."

Autumn buried her head into Winter's shoulder as she spoke. She didn't want him to see her cry again.

"I don't want to forget them."

"And we never will, my darling. How could we when we loved them so much."

He held her tighter. Feeling her tears fall on to his shoulder made him unable to hold back his own. He felt Autumn's arms wrap around his neck, holding him just as tightly as he was holding her. As much as they were both hurting right now, there was a silent understanding that they both needed this. They had been swept up in all the excitement that he hadn't thought to slow down and really process all of their emotions that came with the news. They'd both been so scared to say anything that might upset the other, but they were both feeling so much that kept them from being completely excited.

The second they found out she was expecting the first time, they talked about everything they were going to do for their child and who they hoped the baby would grow up to be. But this second time, they hadn't discussed a single thing. They refused to get their hopes up just for them to come crashing down again. Winter felt Autumn's grip on his neck loosen to return her lips to his. As the kiss concluded, she pressed her forehead to Winters looking deeply into his eyes as she did. In that instance they both knew they were going to be okay. They were allowed to be excited. They were going to be parents.

They spent the day cuddled in bed together, finally letting themselves discuss the future they wanted for their baby. They didn't want to reuse their ideas from the first time around. This child was its own person entirely and deserved plans all their own. As the evening wound down, they had even more plans ready than last time. After all the emotion of the day, they both had a very easy time settling in for bed. Autumn, still held tightly in Winter's arms, looked up at him half asleep and gave him a quick kiss.

"My sweet?"

"Yes, my love."

"I hope our baby takes after you."

When Autumn woke up the next morning, Winter was already up again. But this time she wasn't worried. She knew he would never leave her alone. No one in her family would ever be forgotten.