Season 1 episode 7 - Florence Henderson

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Kermit: It's the Muppet show with our special guest star, Miss Florence Henderson.
(Band playing theme music)
Muppets Women: 🎶It's time to play the music🎶
🎶It's time to light the lights🎶
🎶It's time to meet the Muppets🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Muppets Men: 🎶It's time to put on makeup🎶
🎶It's time to dress up right🎶
🎶It's time to raise the curtain🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Fozzie: Prices are so high. Yesterday l bound a pound of hamburger and to have a co-signer.
Kermit: 🎶To introduce our guest star🎶
🎶That's what l'm here to do🎶
🎶So it really makes me happy🎶
🎶To introduce to you🎶
Miss Florence Henderson!
🎶But now let's get things started🎶
Muppets: 🎶On the most sensational, inspirational🎶
🎶Celebrational, Muppetational🎶
🎶This is what we call🎶
🎶The Muppet show🎶

Kermit walked onto the stage causing a burst of applause.
Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome to the show. What a fantastic program we have for you tonight. Our guest star is the beautiful and talented Florence Henderson. Boy, she is really great but to open the show one of the most exciting acrobatic acts in the entire business the bouncing Borsalino brothers. They've been bouncing since they were baby boys. In fact, the doctor wasn't even sure they were boys until they stopped bouncing. So, here they are all the way from Boston the bouncing Borsalino brothers! Yeah!

Waldorf: Well, it really brought down the house.
Statler: Well, at least the stage.
They laughs.
                                    *backstage*
The bouncing Borsalino brothers came to backstage and argued about their performance.
Kermit: Knock, knock, knock, knock, you a big disappointing, you guys.
George: Hey, when you guys watch it?! Hey, watch it!
Kermit: Hm, George.
George: Huh?
Kermit: Will you go out there and clean up after the pigs, please?
George: I am sick and tired of cleaning up out them lousy pigs.
Kermit: Well George, you can always quit.
George: What and get out of show business?
Kermit: George, will you move the body?!
George: Alright, l'll move the body *accidentally hit him with a mop*. Uh... move the body *leaves*.
Kermit stood up, spat out the mop threads and glared at George.
                               *talking houses*
House: My brother has ghosts in his attic.
House 2: Sounds scary.
House: Yeah, he's on the 10 most haunted list.
                                     *on stage*
Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, we're happy now truly to present a star of stage, screen and television. The mother of six on "The Brady Bunch" and the mother of her own bunch of four at home. A guest for the evening, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.

                                   *backstage*
Pig: I told you, not to let Pato on the top.
Pig 2: Will you blame me for being young kid?
Kermit: Uh... Pigs, listen pigs, will you guys get out of here, please? *started to drive them away* Oh come on, pigs out, move it, move it, get out of here, out, out, out, out, out!
Miss Piggy: Oh Kermit, you have such a masculine yell.
Kermit: Uh... yeah.
Miss Piggy: Please, is there anything at all, anything l can do for, my dear?
Kermit: Uh... no.
Miss Piggy: Because l want to make you happy.
Kermit: I'm good.
Miss Piggy: If you happy that pig is happy.
Kermit: Uh... wonderful.
Miss Piggy: Oh my love, my life.
She kissed him passionately then pulled away.
Miss Piggy: Forgive me for being so forward but l'm *cleared her throat* a liberated pig *leaves*.
Kermit: Must be my animal mask.
*at the dance*
Classical music plays, couples dance a slow dance.
George: Two, three, four. Two, three. You know that someone kids today is don't know what they want. When l was a kid, l never wanted that.
Piggy and a pig danced past them.
Lady Snake: Hm, they just a couple of floor hogs.
Monster: Uh l don't know, maybe it's the wine talking. In fact, l'm sure it is but you're beautiful.
Y/n: Ugh, l know *rolled her eyes*.
Rowlf: Tell me the truth, you really don't like dancing with dog, do you?
Woman: What makes you say that?
Rowlf: I saw flea collar you're wearing.
Rat: I think we ought to move out of the ghetto and find ourselves a nice little dump in the suburbs.
Rat 2: Oh honey, l love you like the plague.
Loud Woman: Can we take this moment to announce our engagement?
Man without headphones: Eh, why not.
Loud Woman: OH! WE'RE ENGAGED! *loud laughs* I WAITED SO LONG! WE'RE ENGAGED!
*talk spot*
Kermit's hand is on Florence's shoulder and she holds his hand.
Kermit: Florence, your eyes are like two limpid pools.
Florence Henderson: Oh, that's very sweet.
Kermit: And when l look into your eyes I'm spellbound. And when l look into those eyes l see...
Piggy approaches from behind Florence.
Kermit: I see...
Florence Henderson: Come on, tell me, what you see?
Kermit: I see trouble *removed his hand from her shoulder*.
Miss Piggy: Well, well, well, when the pigs away the frog will play.
Florence Henderson: Hi Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Don't "hi Piggy" me. You frogs dealer.
Kermit: Uh... uh Piggy, you have it all wrong there, you see—
Miss Piggy: You got a pig's eye, l'm in a persons eye.
Florence Henderson: Yes, you do have it wrong, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Oh?
Florence Henderson: Yes, Kermit was just practicing on me what he really wants to say to you.
Kermit: Uh what?
Miss Piggy: *gasp* You mean it?
Kermit: No.
Miss Piggy: Oh Kermit, Oh!
She walked up to Kermit and pushed Florence away.
Miss Piggy: My life, my love, my life.
Kermit: Um...
Piggy says she's melting in Kermit's arms. Florence makes a joke about global warming which causes Piggy to drop Kermit who hid. Florence says forget it.
Miss Piggy: But—
She noticed that Kermit was gone.
Miss Piggy: What happened? Wh-what happened?
Florence Henderson: Piggy, Piggy, come here a minute.
Miss Piggy: Yes?
Florence Henderson: Listen, can l give you a little tip?
Miss Piggy: Oh no, there's no need for that. I'm well paid.
Florence Henderson: No, l'm about men.
Miss Piggy: Oh my dear, l'm sure you know about men but uh *cleared her throat* honey, make one move toward that frog spot.
Florence Henderson: Piggy, Kermit and l are old friends, honest.
Miss Piggy: You mean there's nothing uh...
Florence Henderson: No, we're just yeah it's just platonic, really.
Miss Piggy: Oh! *hugged her* Oh thank you so much! Thank you! Oh, l'm all coming for my love! Oh! *leaves*
Florence Henderson: She's crazy *laughs*.
Kermit rose from the couch.
Kermit: She's off?
Florence Henderson: *laughs and strokes his head* Yes, she's off to find her love.
Miss Piggy: I'M TOLD YOU NEVER TOUCH HIM!
She started attacking her and biting.
*Rowlf's number*
Rowlf: *plays on piano* When l was a puppy, l used to enjoy reading about Winnie the Pooh. He's a bear like Fozzie Bear but well not very much like Fozzie Bear. This is a song he would sing when somebody would say something he didn't quite understand. He could have said "what" or "l beg your pardon" but Pooh instead sing this song which he made up for singing when his brain felt fluffy. Like this.
🎶Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie🎶
*musical pause*
Now this is where the song changes key. What we call a modulation. That's G sharp minor.
🎶Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie🎶
🎶A fish can't whistle and neither can l🎶
🎶Ask me a riddle and l reply🎶
🎶Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie!🎶
🎶Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie🎶
🎶Why does a chicken? I don't know why🎶
🎶Ask me a riddle and l reply🎶
🎶Cottleston, Cottleston, Cottleston pie🎶
*musical pause*
*panel discussion*
Kermit: Okay uh time once again, friends. To raise the intellectual level of our program as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance and our guest tonight is Miss Florence Anderson.
Florence Henderson: Thank you, good evening, everyone.
Floyd: Hey baby.
Kermit: Alright and uh tonight's question is one that has bothered scholars everywhere was William Shakespeare. In fact, Bacon.
Miss Piggy: *gasp* Isn't this some kind of bad joke?
Kermit: I don't understand, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Bacon, my love, Bacon. I'm tired of this continuing pig slurs. You know, we pigs have feelings too.
Kermit: No, no, no, no, you see, l meant Francis Bacon.
Piggy lists names associated with the last name Bacon.
Miss Piggy: Who cares, it's on bad taste.
Florence Henderson: Oh no, bacon tastes real good. I had some this morning. Really made a pig of myself *laughs*.
Miss Piggy: *gasp* That does it!
She began to call all the pigs from all over the world.
Kermit: Uh Piggy, Piggy, please Piggy, we don't have time for that new.
Floyd: Yeah, besides you're always hogging at time. Get it? Hogging.
Miss Piggy: You're best, weirdo.
Piggy started hitting him and Kermit tried to calm her down.
Kermit: Can we get back to this settle today? Uh Miss Piggy, please...
Miss Piggy: I'm sorry.
Kermit: Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, the settle today, Miss Florence?
Florence Henderson: Well, there's no question in my mind.
Kermit: As what?
Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind *laughs*. No answer either.
She laughed loudly and banged the table with laughter making everyone flinch.
Guru: Whatever you have a saying. In my country a woman who laughs at her own jokes. Seldom has branches on her shoes trees.
Florence Henderson: That is the dumbest thing l've ever heard.
Guru: So don't visit our country.
Everyone started arguing about something and Kermit tried to calm them down and get back to the question but then the pigs came in.
Pig 3: Alright, alright, this is enough off stage. We've had enough of this garbage about bacon.
Pig: Right, we pigs are true artists. Miss Henderson, would you like to see our acrobatic acts?
Florence Henderson: Well yes, l love to.
The pigs were delighted with Florence's answer and began to build the pyramid but eventually fell over.
Florence Henderson: Cute, cute act.
Kermit: I'm sorry about that, Miss Henderson. Uh but uh listen, we'll be back next week with another final question for our panel: do attack dogs make good house pets?
He was bitten by a dog. Piggy separated him from the dog.
Waldorf: Wa-wake me when the show starts.
Statler: It's already been on a while.
Waldorf: Ah, wake me when it's over.
*backstages*
In the backstage the pigs were quarrelling loudly again.
Kermit: Hey, we gonna organize right here, somebody tells pigs knock it off!
Hilda: Knock it off!
Zoot: Knock it off!
Wayne: Knock it off!
Kermit: Now we are gonna knock knock it off!
Wayne: Knock knock it off!
Zoot: Knock knock it off!
Hilda: Knock knock it—
Kermit: KNOCK IT OFF!!!
Everyone went about their business.
Kermit: Not anymore pigs on the show. I fired if l see another pig—
Miss Piggy: *gasp* Oh Kermit, every time you yell. It's some shattered to my body. I'm trembled with desire and uncontrollable passion.
Kermit: Yeah.
Miss Piggy: And you, l see a sitting volcano. Ready to erupt like Vesuvius. Explored—
Kermit: *screamed* WE ARE SHOW TO DO OR WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!
Miss Piggy: *sniffed* He loves me.
Kermit: I give up.
She kissed him passionately again and when they were done kissing. He went onto the stage.
Kermit: Okay, here he comes again now, folks. So stand by sit tight, hold on and fasten your seat belts the Muppet shows on fury, funny man. Here he is Mister Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Okay gang, grab your shoes and grab your socks. Here come the jokes, here come the ox. Now tonight l'm gonna try and put something new in my act.
Statler: Like comedy maybe.
Waldorf and Statler laughs.
Fozzie: Hey, look guys, l paid a lot of money for this new act and l want to see if it's good, okay?
Statler: Could it possibly be good?
Waldorf: Could it be possible be worse?
Waldorf and Statler laughs.
Fozzie: Aaaah. Okay, now tonight l will do impressions of great movie actor from great movies.
Statler: Ooh.
Waldorf: Great!
Statler: Bravo!
Waldorf: Wonderful!
Statler: Bravo!
Fozzie: Okay, okay, okay, okay, first *cleared his throat* Humphrey Boguts from Casablanca. *preens and cleared his throat* Play it again, Sam. Okay, okay, okay, okay, now next is Jimmy Cagney from Mr.Roberts. *preens* Who took my palm tree? Okay next Terry Grant from all his movies. Judy, Judy, Judy.
Waldorf: Hey listen, all your impressions sound the same.
Statler: Yeah.
Fozzie: I can't doubt that. They were all written by the same writer.
Waldorf: He's got a point there.
Statler: Yeah, on his head.
Waldorf and Statler laughs.
Fozzie: Okay, any other impressions, impressions, huh?
Statler: Yeah, we'd like to see an impression of a bear leaving a stage.
Fozzie: Gotcha! Gotcha! Presenting a bare stage.
He went down and then up.
Fozzie: Hah! Bare! Get on my bare. No one on stage. Oh, l'm terrific. I love me. I'm too good for this show. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Waldorf: Yeah, he's getting better.
Statler: Yeah, well, we're getting worse.
*on stage*
Kermit: Once again the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.

*backstage*
Kermit: We didn't have time for Gonzo on the show. That sweet, that's too bad.
Y/n: Hey Kermit.
Kermit: M?
Y/n: I saw that you had a hard day and were all on edge. So, l brought you chamomile tea. I hope it will at least relax a little *put the tea on his desk*.
Kermit: Aw, that's so sweet of you, thank you *drank a little*.
Miss Piggy: *cleared her throat* Well Romeo, how are you two getting along, hm?
Y/n: Huh?
Kermit: Uh Piggy, jealous doesn't become you.
Miss Piggy: Jealous? Moi? *laughs* Just to laugh *laughs*. I'm just glad that other women find my frog attractive.
Y/n: Uh...
Y/n still didn't understand what was going on.
Kermit: Your frog? Um... Piggy uh...
Y/n: Said the frog trying to count his next words any gentlest of terms.
Kermit: I AM NOT YOUR FROG!
Y/n shuddered at this and began to calm him down.
Y/n: *strokes his back* Hush, hush Kermit, calm down.
Miss Piggy: You think stand-off but that too much.
Y/n: Huh?
Kermit: What?
Miss Piggy: Shakespeare.
Kermit: Sounds more like Bacon than him.
Miss Piggy: *gasp*.
Y/n: Oooh, you've chosen a dangerous path, Kermit.
Kermit: M?
Miss Piggy: How would you like a pork chop?
She beat him and the pigs supported her and then they left when Piggy finished beating him.
Y/n: You always hurt the one you love.
Miss Piggy: That's right.
Kermit wanted to get up but Piggy finished him off.
Y/n: And you always kill the one you hate...
Miss Piggy: Excuse me, what?
Y/n: Oh, don't mind me l just remembered one person whom l wanted to kill for so long when l had the opportunity...
Miss Piggy: Ooh.
*blackout*
Sweetums and Florence ran into each other.
Sweetums: Oh Florence, you know, l could really fall for you.
Florence: Oh Sweetums, are you serious?
He fell in front of her leaving Florence shocked.
*on stage*
Kermit: This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane. There's a hush in the air. This is the traditional time of courtship of the Koozebane creatures. We're waiting now for the male Koozebane creature to make the first move.
A male shouted out from the cave.
Kermit: Park that maybe him now.
The male himself came out of the cave.
Kermit: Now that is the walk-walk signal to the female creature. Let's see if she makes the traditional response.
A female shouted out from the cave.
Kermit: Now that is the traditional response to the walk-walk.
The female herself came out of the cave.
Kermit: Ah there she is and what a beauty. The ritual begins.
The male shook his butt twice in front of her and the female nodded approvingly.
Kermit: Watch as the male makes the first overture the female known as the hargi.
The male walked around in a circle three times and each time shouting "hargi" to which the female exclaimed approvingly.
Kermit: I believe she likes him.
The male made a large circle, exclaiming, did a somersault and landed in front of her to which the female nodded approvingly.
Kermit: Boy, did you see that? That was the signal. They're going to do the galio whopoop.
They began to move away from each other.
Kermit: Oh, this should be very exciting. It's a television first, ladies and gentlemen, the Koozebane galio whopoop. Watch closely, you know, they're going far away. He's just about to make his turn now.
They shouted to each other preparing to fertilize their offspring.
Kermit: This is it, ladies and gentlemen, the galio whopoop.
Male: Galio!
Female: Whopoop!
They ran towards each other, reunited followed by an explosion and four cubs were born.
Kermit: Well uh, here are there, friends. Once again, love comes to Koozebane.
*on stage*
Kermit: Okay, well, that's about all the show we have for you. Tonight we want to thank you our very special guest Miss Florence Henderson! Yeah!
Florence appears on the stage.
Kermit: Hey listen uh, thank you Florence for being our guest. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
Florence Henderson: Oh you know, l did Kermit, especially our love scene *kisses him on the lips*.
Kermit: Ooh.
Fozzie: Wire for Miss Henderson, wire for Miss Henderson. You miss Henderson?
Florence Henderson: Oh you know l am, Fozzie.
Fozzie: The wire for you *took out a hanger*.
Florence hung on the hanger on his nose.
Kermit: That does it, folks. We'll see you on next time on the Muppet show!

Statler: I loved it.
Waldorf: So what? You also loved "World War II".

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