Muppets x Female!Muppet!Reader

Season 1 episode 16 - Avery Schreiber

Kermit: It's the Muppet show with our very special guest star, Mister Avery Schreiber.
(Band playing theme music)
Muppets Women: 🎶It's time to play the music🎶
🎶It's time to light the lights🎶
🎶It's time to meet the Muppets🎶
🎶On the Muppets show tonight🎶
Muppets Men: 🎶It's time to put on makeup🎶
🎶It's time to dress up right🎶
🎶It's time to raise the curtain🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Fozzie: Hey, did you know that George the Janitor is so cheap that his wallet has an unlisted pocket and my two hip for the room, heh.
Kermit: 🎶To introduce our guest star🎶
🎶That's what I'm here to do🎶
🎶So it really makes me happy🎶
🎶To introduce to you🎶
Mister Avery Schreiber!
🎶But now let's get things started🎶
Muppets: 🎶On the most sensational, inspirational🎶
🎶Celebrational, Muppetational🎶
🎶This is what we call🎶
🎶The Muppet show🎶
                                             —
Kermit: Okay, welcome, welcome, dear friends. And we have another goodie for you. Our guest is a young man and an old friend who's been making television and nightclub audiences laugh for many years as part of the comedy team of Burns and Schreiber. And right now, he's launching a new career as a movie performer on a television start in his own right, Mister Avery Schreiber. So, we should have another biggie but right now, let's get things underway with our own Dr.Teeth and Electric Mayhem.

Statler: I was just thinking apropos of nothing but is it pronounced tomáto or tómato?
Waldorf: Is what pronounced tomáto or tómato?
*backstage*
Dr.Teeth and Electric Mayhem went to the backstage.
Y/n: Great number, warm, sensitive.
Scooter: Mhm, my grandmother will love it.
Miss Piggy: Guys, guys! Oh, dear nephew of the theatre owner and my lovely girlfriend.
Y/n: Ooooh, *to Scooter* I recognise that tone. *to Piggy* What do you want, Piggy?
Miss Piggy: *clears her throat* Well, you may have noticed l have given my love to Kermit. You may also have noticed his reluctance in returning same.
Scooter: Oh, so you want me and Y/n to get your love from Kermit and give it back to you. Oh okay, where does he keep it?
Y/n: No, no, Scooter, she meant for Kermit to show some love for Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Mhm.
Scooter: Oh.
Y/n: But how are we going to do that, if Kermit is so unavailable?
Miss Piggy: I want you to make him jealous.
Scooter: Oh, l see.
Y/n looked at Avery's dressing room and then at Piggy.
Y/n: Let me guess, you want us to tell Kermit that Avery Schreiber is simply mad about you?
Miss Piggy: Ah, that's why you my lovely girlfriend *put her arm around Y/n's shoulders*.
Scooter: Oh, you want us to lie.
Miss Piggy: Just. Do it *glared at him*.
Scooter: And if we refuse?
Y/n: Scooter, you just asked the stupidest question.
Scooter: Huh?
Miss Piggy: That's right, l will karate chop you until the only thing you'll be able to go for is down for that count!
Scooter: One jealous frog, coming up!
Scooter left.
Y/n: I hope you know that my service is not free and you have to give something in return, if you know what l mean?
Miss Piggy: Of course l know about it. Don't worry, l prepared in advance.
Y/n: Great, l'm in *leaves*.
Piggy hummed a song to herself.
Miss Piggy: 🎶Piggy and Kermit will sweethearts🎶
                                       *on stage*
Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a momentous occasion as the mighty Gladiator, sir Avery of Macho is scheduled to meet and challenge the most fearsome vicious beast known in the world today, the monster of the Moors. And matter of fact, here comes, sir Avery now. Ladies and gentlemen, sir Avery of Macho.
Avery appears.
Avery Schreiber: Where is he?! Where is this weakness piece of?! Out! Out! Where is he?! *saw Kermit* AH! Godfrey Daniels! Are you his, sir? *points the trident at him*
Kermit: Oh no, no, no, no, l am Kermit the Frog, sir.
Avery Schreiber: Kermit the Frog.
Kermit: Mhm. Yes, sir.
Avery Schreiber: Well, where is this monster? I'll rip him to shreds, l'll tear off his arms and legs, and play pickup sticks! WHERE IS HE?!
Out of nowhere, a crash was heard.
Avery Schreiber: Oh, what does that mean? Is it gonna rain or something?
Kermit: No, no, no, matter of fact, l think that means that the monster is about to make his appearance.
Avery Schreiber: Is that right?
Then there was another crash and then Sweetums was standing on the rock. He noticed Avery.
Sweetums: Uh-huh! Who's gonna do what to me and when, huh?
Avery Schreiber: Are you the monster of the Moors?
Sweetums: No, l'm little Tom Thumb, what's it to you?
Avery Schreiber: Uh-huh, *to Kermit* seems to have an overactive pituitary gland. *to Sweetums* Alright, monster! This is Avery of Macho! I'm here to challenge you!
Sweetums has already left the cliff.
Sweetums: Alright, l accept.
He slammed his club down on his shield, causing Avery to shake.
Sweetums: Are you wanna fight with swords or clubs? Name your pleasure.
Avery Schreiber: Well, l choose, right?
Sweetums: Mhm.
Avery Schreiber: And the weapon l choose...
Avery threw away his trident and shield, and removed his helmet.
Avery Schreiber: Insults!
Sweetums was surprised by his choice.
Sweetums: Insults?
Avery Schreiber: That's right *chuckles*. *to Kermit* It's a lot bigger than my agent told me.
Sweetums threw down his club.
Kermit: I heard that right here, folks. Uh sir Avery has chosen insults and indeed he is known for his razor-like wit which he's going to need because he's against one of the foulest mouths in the kingdom.
Avery Schreiber: Ready?
Sweetums: Give me your best shot, fat stuff.
Avery Schreiber: Fat stuff?! You call me fat stuff?! Your mother wears open-toed combat boots.
Sweetums chuckled.
Kermit: Celebrity opened with royal standard there. Let's see, how the monster answers.
Sweetums: You call that an insult? Here's an insult! The last time, l saw a head like yours was in a lettuce patch.
Avery felt insulted.
Kermit: Oh, look at that, sir Avery has been hit, sir Avery has been hit. Let's see, how he answers now.
Avery Schreiber: Monster.
Sweetums: M?
Avery Schreiber: I've been talking to your best friends.
Sweetums: And?
Avery Schreiber: You don't have any.
Sweetums is taken aback.
Kermit: Look at that, sir Avery is now choosing these psychological attack.
Avery Schreiber: As a matter of fact... No, no, l-l won't tell you.
Sweetums: Oh, please, l can take it.
Avery Schreiber: Nobody likes you.
This hurt Sweetums.
Avery Schreiber: As a matter of fact, your dog doesn't like you.
This hurt Sweetums even more.
Avery Schreiber: In fact, l doubt, If you even have a dog.
Sweetums: I-l have a dog.
Avery Schreiber: You had a dog, what happened to him?
Sweetums: Oh, l ate him.
Avery Schreiber: Why'd you eat him?
Sweetums: Because he didn't like me! *fell* I give up, you win.
Avery Schreiber: Ha!
Kermit: Look at that, folks. It looks like, it's all over now.
Sweetums: Sir Avery.
Avery Schreiber: Yeah?
Sweetums: One more thing, when you went with Burns at a comedy team.
Avery Schreiber: Yeah?
Sweetums: Well, you were my favourite comedy team. Well, second favourite of all time.
Avery Schreiber: What do you mean second favourite? Who was first?
Sweetums: Starsky and Hunch!
That finished Avery off.
Kermit: Oh, look at that, celebrity, celebrity is hit bad, he's going down. It looks, it looks like, our friends. I think it's gonna be a draw.
Avery Schreiber: Wait a minute, l demand a rematch! He didn't get me with his insult, it was his breath!
Sweetums: Huh?
He left with Kermit.
Sweetums: Oh, so l win a lot but it's a lonely life.
Waldorf: Yeah, funny man, he was great as a team. I wonder what it feels like to work alone.
Statler: Well, ask me, l do it every week *chuckles*.
*on stage*
Bunsen Honeydew: Welcome again to Muppet labs, where the future is being made today and here it is, folks. The product you've all been waiting for. The new solid state gorilla detector. Yes, friends, how many times have you awakened at night in the dark and said to yourself: "Is there a gorilla in here?" And how many people, do you know whose vacations were ruined because they were eaten by undetected gorillas. Well, no more of that, whenever a gorilla comes anywhere near this device, its lights will flash and its bell will ring. Think of the safety, think of the sense of well-being, at last your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
While he was explaining how his invention works, a gorilla appears and starts to smash things. Noticing the gorilla, Bunsen looked at his device which made no sound.
Bunsen Honeydew: The creature is not a gorilla. If they were a gorilla, the lights would flash and the bell would ring. Yes, Muppets technology is wonderful. It tells us that we are not seeing a gorilla smash cabinet. So, l know scientifically that l am not being eaten by a gorilla.
The gorilla dragged Bunsen somewhere and the device finally worked. But the gorilla destroyed the device by stomping on it with his feet.
*backstage*
Kermit: Scooter! Scooter? Scooter!
Scooter: Yes, boss?
Kermit: Ah, Scooter, would you go for Avery and tell him that he performs after Y/n?
Scooter: Boss, *put his arm around Kermit's shoulders* you know, there's nothing l wouldn't do for you.
Kermit: Also, so far that's what you've done nothing.
Scooter: I would climb the highest mountain, I would swim the widest river, I'd walk across burning coals!
Kermit: Please! Just go to Avery.
Scooter: That l can't do.
Kermit: What?
Y/n: Scooter can't because Avery and Piggy are in his dressing room and he told us, he did not want to be disturbed.
Scooter nodded in agreement.
Kermit: Piggy and Avery? Are you nuts? Why he wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole?
Y/n: You're right, he was touching her with his hands *went on stage*.
Scooter: And he whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Nothings like...
He looked around and whispered in Kermit's ear.
Kermit: Will you get out of here?! Out! Out! Out!
Scooter went to Avery.
Kermit: Anybody want to buy a gofer cheap? Piggy and Avery? Eh.
                                        *on stage*
Y/n: "Death" a poem by me, Y/n L/n.
Some say death is silent
Other say it's loud.
Kermit comes up to her with the phone.
Kermit: Y/n, it's for you.
Y/n: *picked up the phone* Hello?
There's muttering on the other end of the phone.
Y/n: What?
Muttering again.
Y/n: Can you speak louder?
Christopher: ARE YOU HOME NOW?!
His scream startled both Kermit and Y/n.
Y/n: Ah, brother, it's you. No, l'm not home, l'm at work and busy right now, but we'll talk later, okay?
Christopher: Oh, okay.
Y/n: Bye.
She handed the phone to Kermit and he left.
Y/n: *clears her throat* Some people hear a shotgun
Others, not a sound.
Out of nowhere, a shot rang out, causing Y/n to flinch and scream. She looked behind her.
Statler: *wakes up* What just happened? Waldorf, did you hear anything?
Waldorf is snoring. Y/n shook the paper and returned to reading the poem.
Y/n: To some he is whisper
A senseless breath of smoke.
Out of nowhere, smoke appeared, causing Y/n to cough and push the smoke away from herself, which slowly dissipated.
Y/n: What idiot blew smoke in the middle of my performance...?
She shook the paper again and clears her throat.
Y/n: To other he's a family member
Welcoming them home.
Kermit approaches her again with the phone.
Kermit: Again, to you.
Y/n: *picked up the phone* Hello?
Tiago: Hey, sis, you're adopted.
Y/n: I know, but at least they wanted me, unlike you.
Tiago: Wha—?
Y/n: Bye.
Tiago: HEY!
Y/n muffled the phone with her hand.
Y/n: Just don't pay attention to it *handed him the phone*.
Kermit: Okay...
*Avery's number*