Muppets x Female!Muppet!Reader

Season 1 episode 20 - Valerie Harper

Kermit: It's the Muppet show with our special guest star, Miss Valerie Harper.
(Band playing theme music)
Muppets Women: 🎶It's time to play the music🎶
🎶It's time to light the lights🎶
🎶It's time to meet the Muppets🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Muppets Men: 🎶It's time to put on makeup🎶
🎶It's time to dress up right🎶
🎶It's time to raise the curtain🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Fozzie: Hey, did you know that? If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March's grandson, she's should be Tuesday March the second.
Kermit: 🎶To introduce our guest star🎶
🎶That's what I'm here to do🎶
🎶So it really makes me happy🎶
🎶To introduce to you🎶
Miss Valerie Harper, yeah!
🎶But now let's get things started🎶
Muppets: 🎶On the most sensational, inspirational🎶
🎶Celebrational, Muppetational🎶
🎶This is what we call🎶
🎶The Muppet show🎶
—
Kermit: Heya, George! George?
George: What? What? What?
Kermit: Would you clean up the backstage? This whole place is a mess.
George: *sigh* Of course, it's a mess with all these Muppets exploding around here. Every time l turn around, there's somebody blowing his top.
Kermit: Ah, George, that is a slight exaggeration, isn't it?
A Green Lizard walks past them, his head explodes and he leaves.
George: Ah, l guess it's on my mind *leaves*.
Valerie enters the backstage.
Valerie Harper: Right am l a place?
Kermit: Oh, Valerie Harper, welcome to the Muppet show! Oh, we're so glad that you can come and be with us.
Valerie Harper: Oh, me too, Kermit. I'm not filming "Rhoda" this week, l got hiatus.
Kermit: Oh, l'm sorry to hear that. Did you get it lifting something?
Valerie Harper: Oh, no—
Kermit: Maybe you should see a doctor?
Valerie Harper: Kermit, that means that we're on vacation and um... Well, you see, l'm a total Muppet freak.
Y/n: Everyone on this show is a freak.
A three-headed monster passes by them.
Y/n: See, what l mean?
Kermit: Uh, Y/n, this is uh Valerie Harper, she's on hiatus.
Y/n: I'm Y/n L/n, l'm on vitamin E. Move it *leaves*.
Kermit: M, uh... You have to uh... forgive Y/n, she is a...
Valerie Harper: Okay.
Kermit: You were saying, Valerie?
Valerie Harper: Yes, l-l was hoping that uh you might let me do a big opening number on the show.
Kermit: Oh, well, we had planned to open a show with uh Bertha Beasley in her galloping geese.
Valerie Harper: Yes.
Kermit: Uh... but actually uh Bertha isn't here yet and the show's about to start.
Valerie Harper: She won't be here, Kermit.
Kermit: Uh... what?
Valerie Harper: I uh... scotch taped a bushel of bird seed to her body, even as we speak geese are pecking her into oblivion.
Kermit: Uh... oh wow, you are some determined lady.
Valerie Harper: I certainly am, Kermit. Look, l can do it, if you just give me the chance. Kermit, television is great, but l gotta get back on those boards. You know, what it's like a live audience, smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd. At least, let me audition for you, will you?
Kermit: Sure, go ahead.

Kermit: Well, that was great, you were just wonderful, Valerie! I tell ya, you're going out on that stage a star, but you're going to be coming back our chorus girl *leaves*.
Valerie Harper: I'm not sure, that's what l had in mind.
Waldorf: Well, what a beautiful performer.
Statler: Yeah, what a beautiful woman! You know, Waldorf.
Waldorf: Hm?
Statler: I think, l'll go backstage and meet her.
Waldorf: Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have anything to do with you. So, as l was thinking of going backstage.
Statler: You?! You well, you're old enough to be her grandfather!
Waldorf: What are you, geriatric joker? Let's settle, we'll flip for her.
Statler: Okay!
Waldorf: One, two, three.
Statler jumped off his chair.
Waldorf: You win.
*on stage*
The Swedish Chef sings a little song.
Swedish Chef&Y/n: Børk! Børk! Børk!
The Swedish Chef threw spoons that exploded. He said that they were going to make a cake today. Y/n added cream and lemon to the cake. The Swedish Chef added all the cherries and threw the plate away, then sprinkled some on the cake behind him and accidentally hit Y/n, who was wiping her eyes. He was about to cut the cake when suddenly the cake spoke in Japanese. The Swedish Chef was so shocked that he dropped the knife and started talking to it, when he heard an incomprehensible word, he took out a dictionary. They had a disagreement, which caused the Swedish Chef to take out a baseball bat and smash the cake. Pieces of cake flew across the table, Y/n took a small piece and ate it.
*backstage*
Kermit was reading the notes until Y/n approached him.
Y/n: Hey, Kermit! One of those hecklers from the box is back here and he says, he wants to speak to Miss Harper.
Kermit: For goodness sakes, what kind of show to do? I can't have every Tom, Dick and Harry coming back here.
A three-headed monster passes by them.
Kermit: Hi, Tom. Hi, Dick. Hi, Harry.
They just shook their heads and walked away.
Kermit: Of course, there are expections.
Statler enters the backstage with a potted plant.
Statler: Where is Miss Harper? I demand to see her, l will not be denied.
Kermit: Wow, wow, one of our hecklers has turned into a stage door Johnny. Uh, Miss Harper is up in her dressing room, there rehearsing her lines.
Statler: Well, l've been rehearsing my lines too for when l meet her. How's this? Hiya, toots! You're some kind of hot looking tomato!
Y/n: Wha?
Kermit: It's a very old line.
Y/n: And a failure.
Statler: Well, l'm a very old man.
Y/n: Hey, Statler, why did you bring this uh... thing instead of roses?
Statler: Oh, roses are ordinary. This is a very special plant for a very special lady. It's an African berry bush, grows at a rate of three feet an hour, unless it rains, then it grows faster.
Kermit: Uh... well, l suggest that you bury your berry bush and bug out of here faster. *to Y/n* That's nice alliteration, huh?
Y/n: Mhm.
Statler: Hey, hey, hey, l'll have you know, l've dated and whined, and dined some of the finest performers on the legitimate stage Haze, Langtree, Barrymore.
Kermit: Wait a minute, you dated Ethel Barrymore?
Statler: No, Lionel. I was busy that night, l'll tell you the truth, we didn't dance much either.
Kermit: *sigh* Will you get out of here?!
Statler: No, l'll sit over here with my bush.
Statler sat down in the empty seat.
Kermit: I have a feeling this is going to be one of those shows.
Y/n: What show?
Kermit: You'll see.
He left, leaving a puzzled Y/n.
                                      *on stage*
News presenter: Here's a Muppet news flash! *sat down in his seat* Date one, Milwaukee Wisconsin, doctors in Milwaukee have reported a phenomenon never before witnessed in medical animals. Mister Gus Klinger a steam fitter has over a three-month period turned into a rug. Here's his wife, Mrs. Klinger to explain what happened.
Valerie Harper: Well, it all started as a simple case of shag pile on the belly, but then gradually it spread, until he is now a 9 by 12 carpet with French. I am just going to have to sue for divorce, that's all.
News presenter: Oh, why's is that, Mrs. Klinger?
Valerie Harper: Because he does not match the drapes.
                                      *on stage*
Kermit: Okay, now it is with great pleasure and no little concern that l present my dear friend, Y/n with an original poem written, directed and conceived by Y/n. Sort of a tour de force, which is French for blow your own horn. So, let's bring her on with a great big hand.
A huge hand passed by him and Kermit decided to leave.
Y/n: I have titled this original poem "The Butterfly" *clears her throat*.
I saw a butterfly one beautiful mourn,
Flitting silently on the dew covered lawn.
And l have thought to myself,
How wonderful it would be,
If only we could see
Millions of these covering the mountains, the plains and the seas.
I held out my hand and motioned it to land.
And as it did l looked for another butterfly with which to made it,
I couldn't find one.
So, l sat down and ate it.
Y/n chuckled at her own joke. While she was chuckling, a huge butterfly flew in behind her, caught Y/n with a net and dragged her away.
Y/n: Hey, hey, hey! It was just a joke, l was kidding!
Waldorf: Yeah, Statler would be love that one, but l hated it.
                                       *backstage*
Kermit: Okay, let's move that, butterfly. Move it, move it, move it!
Butterfly was dragging Y/n. She was trying to get out.
Statler: Well, at least, you're better than that bear. Not much, but.
George: Hey, what are you doing here?
Statler: Well, if it's any of your business, janitorial man. I'm waiting for Miss Harper!
George: Hm, looks like your plant could use some water *waters the plant*.
Statler: Hm? Huh? No! No! You fool! Oh no! This is an African berry bush, it grows at an enormous rate. It will grow and grow, and eat everything in sight.
George: There's a striking resemblance to my brother-in-law.
                                 *at the dance*
Classical music plays, couples are dancing a slow dance.
Woman: I think your brother is going to buy you a house.
Animal: Why?
Woman: I heard him say, that you belong in a home.
Animal: *chuckles* Tap!
Woman: AH!
Loud Woman: You know, l can't seem to hold it to a guy. What is it, huh? I'm really a good looker, a neat dresser and a great cook. Come on, tell me now, what's my problem?
Man: You're too introverted.
Loud Woman: Yes, l think, you're right.
Zoot: Now this music there playing is garbage. Pure garbage, man.
Janice: Why do you say that?
Trash was dumped on Zoot.
Zoot: Enough said.
Mildred: Uh... Dr.Tooth.
Dr.Teeth: Teeth.
Mildred: Teeth, do you think honesty is the best policy?
Dr.Teeth: Oh, positively.
Mildred: Well, you are a terrible dancer.
Dr.Teeth: And a crack like that and your best policy will be an insurance policy.
Y/n: You've better to be careful, there's a bat coming your way.
Blue Monster: Oh, that's alright, my uncle was a vampire.
Y/n: It's not that kind of a bat.
A baseball bat came up behind the Blue Monster and hit him hard on the head, causing it to fall off.
Y/n: A definite improvement.
*Duet of Rowlf and Sam*
Sam: Uh... so, what do l do here?
Rowlf: *plays the piano* Oh, Sam, you just play the part of the bird. I mean, it's not written for an eagle but uh...
Sam: What is this cultural?
Rowlf: Oh, yeah, this is light opera Gilbert and Sullivan.
Sam: Begin.
Rowlf: 🎶On a tree by a river a little tom-tit🎶
🎶Sang🎶
Uh, this is your part time.
Sam: Hm... Willow, tit willow, tit willow.
Rowlf: 🎶And l said to him, dicky-bird🎶
That's you, Sam, you play the bird.
🎶Why do you sit🎶
🎶Singing🎶
Sam: Dicky-bird. Willow, tit willow, tit willow.
Rowlf: 🎶Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?🎶
🎶I cried🎶
Not meaning you.
Sam: Mmm, yes, yes.
Rowlf: 🎶Or a rather tough worm in your little inside🎶
🎶With a shake of his poor little head, he replied🎶
Sam: Oh, willow, tit willow, tit willow.
*musical pause*
Rowlf: 🎶Now l feel just as sure as l'm sure that my name🎶
🎶Isn't🎶
Sam: Willow, tit willow, tit willow.
Rowlf: 🎶That was blighted affection that made him exclaim🎶
Sam: *to someone* You want to do this?
Knowing it was his turn, Sam tuned into the lyrics.
Sam: Willow, tit willow, tit willow.
Rowlf: 🎶And if you remain callous and obdurate, l🎶
Sam: What's obdurate?
Rowlf: I don't know.
Sam: Hm.
Rowlf: 🎶Shall perish as he did, and you will know why🎶
🎶Though l probably shall not exclaim as l die🎶
The last one, Sam.
Sam: Willow, tit willow, tit willow. *hears the audience's laughter* Why are they laughing?
                               *Floyd's number*