Muppets x Female!Muppet!Reader

Season 1 episode 18 - Phyllis Diller

Kermit: It's the Muppet show with our very special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller.
(Band playing theme music)
Muppets Women: 🎶It's time to play the music🎶
🎶It's time to light the lights🎶
🎶It's time to meet the Muppets🎶
🎶On the Muppets show tonight🎶
Muppets Men: 🎶It's time to put on makeup🎶
🎶It's time to dress up right🎶
🎶It's time to raise the curtain🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Fozzie: Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo who walked into a store? And this hippocampus comes out and says to the kangar— *the curtains are closing* Hey, l wasn't finished!
Kermit: 🎶To introduce our guest star🎶
🎶That's what l'm here to do🎶
🎶So it really makes me happy🎶
🎶To introduce to you🎶
Miss Phyllis Diller!
🎶But now let's get things started🎶
Muppets: 🎶On the most sensational, inspirational🎶
🎶Celebrational, Muppetational🎶
🎶This is what we call🎶
🎶The Muppet show🎶
—
Fozzie: Thank you. Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Muppet show. We've got a really terrific show for you tonight.
Kermit is standing behind him.
Fozzie: With our super extra special guest star, Miss Phyllis Diller. Now to get things started with— *noticed Kermit*. Excuse me, there seems to be a frog on the stage.
Kermit: There is supposed to be a frog on the stage. There's supposed to be a bear back in the dressing room.
Fozzie: Oh, well, you see, see, l think you just work too hard, frog with my heart. So l thought, l would introduce the show this week.
Kermit: Okay, fine, you introduced to show and l will pull the rope *leaves*.
Fozzie: The rope? What rope?
Kermit: *comes with a rope* Fozzie, the rope for the trap door.
Fozzie: The trap—
Kermit pulled the rope and Fozzie fell.
Kermit: Well, now let's get things started on the Muppet show with some "Mississippi Mud".

Statler: Bravo! Oh, bravo! Wonderful! Just wonderful!
Waldorf: How would you know? You're not even facing this stage.
Statler: Why did you have to tell me? I was having such a good time.
                                     *backstage*
The Gogolala, leaving the stage and jostling Kermit.
Scooter: Yeah, great number, really good, good, good, very believable, good number, great number *looked at the floor*. Hey, hey, who forgot to wipe their feet?! I thought, l told you that to wipe your feet!
Hilda: Oh, that Phyllis Diller, she is so wonderful!
Y/n: Oh, nice lady, huh?
Hilda: Oh, yes, Y/n, and so young looking. Guys, just between you and me, do you suppose Miss Diller has had her face raised?
Y/n: You mean lifted?
Hilda: Mhm.
Scooter: Oh, sure, yeah, she jokes about it all the time.
Hilda: Ah, that's wonderful. A person should stay young and dynamic as long as possible, maybe l should consider that. After all, l am 35.
She walked away, leaving a surprised Scooter and Y/n.
Y/n: 35?! I thought she was much older *went on stage*.
Fozzie comes up and Scooter addresses him.
Scooter: Hey, hey, is it possible Hilda's 35?
Fozzie: Only around the waist.
                                          *on stage*
Kermit: Right now, a lady so wonderfully nutty that she makes the great Gonzo seem like sir Lawrence Oliver. Here she is, the zinnias to the all, the one and only Phyllis Diller.
Rowlf is playing the piano. Phyllis comes in and sits down next to Rowlf.
Rowlf: See there sailor, you new in town?
Phyllis Diller: Do you make it a habit of annoying beautiful women?
Rowlf: Yes, but since they're none around, l'll go ahead and annoy you.
Phyllis Diller: Why are you hounding me?
Rowlf: I'm a hound, what should l do? People you?
Phyllis Diller: Cut the comedy, l'm depressed.
Rowlf: Oh, l'm sorry. Hey, let me buy you a drink.
Phyllis Diller: I don't drink with strangers. I'm Phyllis.
Rowlf: I'm Rowlf.
They shook hands.
Phyllis Diller: I'll have a triple cream soda on the rocks.
Rowlf: You really are depressed.
Y/n walks past them.
Rowlf: Y/n.
Y/n: Hm?
Rowlf: Two triple cream sodas on the rocks.
Y/n nodded and went to get his order.
Rowlf: Now, what's wrong?
Phyllis Diller: It's just that l'm such a loser.
Rowlf: Ah, l know what you mean, l am too.
Phyllis Diller: You know, someone gave me a beautiful white mink stole within a month, I had developed black dandruff.
Rowlf: Oh, oh, that it is a depressing. But you did, you know, my fleas have started wearing dog collars just to get rid of me.
Phyllis Diller: Oh, l know the feeling. I was in the backyard, singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", it fell on me. I went to a taffy pool and the taffy won. I swear, if l bought a new hat, they'd cancel Easter.
Rowlf: Do you think that's bad? Listen, l went to Hollywood and fell in love with a movie star, Lassie. She left me for Francis the Talking Mule.
Phyllis Diller: I bought one of those expensive new cars that goes from zero to sixty in three hours and 27 minutes. I had to put it in low to get off a wad of gum.
Rowlf: Do you think, you think that's bad? The first three months of my life, there was a newspaper strike.
Phyllis Diller: *laughs* Okay, l went to the beauty parlour and the lady at the desk said: "Madam, we do repairs, not reclamation". So then l asked the hairdresser, what l should use on my hair? He said: "A man". *laughs* But you see, l was born ugly, l have home movies of my folks, leaving the hospital with sacks over their head. My father asked the doctor, is it a boy or a girl? He said: "No". I tell you all, l'm just a born loser.
Rowlf: Oh, maybe but you don't know, what it's like to live life as a dog.
Phyllis Diller: Don't be so sure, fella. *chuckles* Listen, l gotta go now.
Rowlf: Hey, wait a minute, what's wrong?
Phyllis Diller: I'm having too good a time. A girl just can't be miserable in this dump.
Rowlf: Oh, listen, you should stick around, Phyllis. While you and me could be rotten together.
Phyllis was touched by his proposal and kissed him on the nose for it. Rowlf continued playing the piano.
Statler: That was fantastic.
Waldorf: What a performer she is.
Statler: Mhm, what's her secret?
Waldorf: What's her magic?
Statler: What's her name?
Waldorf: You forgotten too, huh?
Statler: Yeah, whoever she is, she's every bit as funny as Phyllis Diller.
Waldorf: Who's that?
Statler: Uh... l forget.
Waldorf: Ah, me too.
*backstage*
Hilda comes out of the dressing room, looking around.
Hilda: Oh, good, nobody is around. Time for old Hilda to become young Hilda!
She went into the dressing room and came out with a wig.
Hilda: Oh, everybody is going to be so surprised. They won't even recognise their old wardrobe mysteries.
Kermit approaches her.
Kermit: Hi, Hilda, there the opening number costumes are downstairs. Would you bring them up here, please? *leaves*
Hilda: And then again, l could be wrong *took off her wig*.
*on stage*
News presenter: Here's a Muppet news flash! *sat down in his seat* Dateline Mobile Alabama, this is Beverly Shepherd has made aviation history in this southern city. Last week, Mrs. Shepherd made a pair of wings, strapped him to her body and flew to Dallas Texas. Here she is, direct from Texas to tell us the details.
As soon as she was shown on the screen, the news presenter was stunned by her appearance.
Phyllis Diller: Gosh, am l really on TV?
News presenter: Yes, Mrs. Shepherd, you are. Now, can you tell us the details of this astounding accomplishment?
Phyllis Diller: Well, it was so astounding, it was so easy. I just made my wings out of aluminium and l covered them with chicken feathers, and then l fitted them with straps for my arm.
News presenter: Yes, yes, go on.
Phyllis Diller: Then l went out to the airport and boarded a plane for Dallas. Haha, what's the big deal?
News presenter: Sure, l have no idea.
*at the dance*
Classical music plays, couples are dancing a slow dance.
Pig: Oh, l'm so crazy about you, l can't see straight.
Pig 2: *chuckles* Oh, l'm so goofy about you, l can't eat.
Pig: *chuckles* Oh, l'm so much in love with you, l can't even sleep.
Pig 2: Oh, what should we do?
A dancing couple, Y/n and Gonzo passed by them.
Gonzo: Check into a hospital.
Y/n: Or better yet, buy a room for lovebirds.
Gonzo: But they are pigs.
Y/n: It was a verbal image.
Gonzo: Aah.
Statler: Finally good to get out of that box.
Waldorf: Yeah, pay attention, l'm leading. One, two, three, dips.
Statler: AH!
Zoot walked past George and Mildred, blowing into his saxophone.
Mildred: That's what l don't like about him.
George: Huh? What?
Mildred: He's always blowing his own home.
George: Aah.
Janice: Listen, that garlic you had for dinner hot?
Green Lizard: Are you kidding?
He breathed fire, Janice leaned down.
*Dr.Teeth's number*