Muppets x Female!Muppet!Reader

Season 1 episode 14 - Sandy Duncan

Kermit: It's the Muppet show with our very special guest star, Miss Sandy Duncan.
(Band playing theme music)
Muppets Women: 🎶It's time to play the music🎶
🎶It's time to light the lights🎶
🎶It's time to meet the Muppets🎶
🎶On the Muppets show tonight🎶
Muppets Men: 🎶It's time to put on makeup🎶
🎶It's time to dress up right🎶
🎶It's time to raise the curtain🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Fozzie: Hey, we were so poor, l was born at home. After my mother saw me, she went to the hospital.
Kermit: 🎶To introduce our guest star🎶
🎶That's what i'm here to do🎶
🎶So it really makes me happy🎶
🎶To introduce to you🎶
Miss Sandy Duncan!
🎶But now let's get things started🎶
Muppets: 🎶On the most sensational, inspirational🎶
🎶Celebrational, Muppetational🎶
🎶This is what we call🎶
🎶The Muppet show🎶
—
Kermit walked onto the stage causing a burst of applause.
Kermit: Thank you, thank you, hi ho. I'm in a great mood tonight and that's because our special guest star is a real good friend and a lovely lady, Miss Sandy Duncan. And so, that means our show tonight should be a real bang-up affair.
Crazy Harry: Did somebody say "bang"?
Kermit: Uh... no.
Anyway, Crazy Harry pulled the lever, there was an explosion and Kermit flew towards Waldorf and Statler where he landed.
Kermit: *rose* Well, l've always wondered what the show looked like from up here. Anyway, let's start off the show with a musical number that was staged by our own gopher, Scooter, it could be a bomb—
Crazy Harry: Did somebody say "bomb"?
The old men and Kermit covered themselves and Crazy Harry pulled the lever, and there was an explosion which made Crazy Harry laugh. Fozzie appears behind the curtains.
Fozzie: *coughs* Wow, heh, well, somebody's got to introduce our guest star, so it might as well be the old Fozzie. Okay, here she is a star who does it all. She sings, she dances, she acts and she makes you feel good all over, Miss Sandy Duncan!

(My favourite musical number)
Waldorf: Bravo! Bravo!
Statler: Wonderful!
Waldorf: Fantastic!
Statler: Tremendous! Yeah, you know, she makes me feel like a young boy, heh.
Waldorf: Yeah, she makes me feel like a young girl. I think, l'll go find one.
Waldorf exits, Statler laughs.
*backstage*
Kermit was reading the text until Fozzie approached him.
Fozzie: Oh, where is that handsome frog? Oh, there you are old frog friend.
Kermit: Alright?
Fozzie: Would you lend me a five dollars till payday?
Kermit: Fozzie, you already owe me five.
Fozzie: *fell to his knees* Oh please, please, l know it but l gotta pay my writer, the legendary Gags Beasley.
Kermit: Legendary Gags comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie: Well uh, we worked out a good deal.
Kermit: Are you paying by the line?
Fozzie: No, l pay him by the laugh.
Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money *laughs and went on stage*.
Fozzie: Oh, that was cute, that was real cute, frooog.
*on stage*
The Swedish Chef sings a little song.
Swedish Chef&Y/n: Børk! Børk! Børk!
The Swedish Chef threw away the spatula and spoon. He said that today they will be making donuts. The Swedish Chef teaches Y/n how to shoot, so that a hole appears in the donut. He demonstrated to her and the donut landed on the plate. Now it was Y/n's turn, although she didn't understand why she had to shoot when she could do it herself but Y/n listened to him. She tossed the donut, aimed well and it landed on the plate. The Swedish Chef praised her and said to keep it up. Y/n shot another donut and caught it. She handed the donut to him and he said that this is how you turn an English muffin into a donut by sucking his finger into the hole.
                                       *on stage*
Kermit: Okay, right now, it's time for our own king of comedy. You've no doubt heard the expression, the next act needs no introduction.
Statler: Yeah, you're right. He doesn't need an introduction, he needs an act.
Waldorf and Statler laughs.
Kermit: In your opinion maybe but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.
Statler: Mhm, yeah but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any.
Waldorf and Statler laughs.
Kermit: I'll let Fozzie handle you guys. Here he is now, one of your favourites and I'm sure one of his, Mister Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie: Hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Hey, love you! Oh, look out, l've got some great ones for you tonight. Hey, my wife loves children but l can't bear them. Ah? Ah? Hey, we got three kids, one of each *laughs*. Oh, l'm rolling now, l'm on the roll, l'm on the roll!
Waldorf: Yeah well, why don't you butter yourself and slip on out of here?
Waldorf and Statler laughs.
Fozzie: Speaking of slipping, are you guys familiar with a banana sketch?
Statler: Oh, nice Segway.
Waldorf: Small.
Statler: Good blend.
Waldorf: Mhm.
Statler: M.
Fozzie: Hey, hey, these two bananas are walking down in street.
Hilda watches Fozzie's act from backstage.
Hilda: Listen to Fozzie! Oh, he has eaten the great on his hand.
Kermit: Well, he's got a new writer, Gags Beasley.
Scooter was passing by and accidentally heard the writer's name.
Scooter: Not the legendary Gags Beasley!
Kermit: You mean, you've heard of him?
Scooter: Well, who hasn't?
Kermit: Me for the one.
Y/n came up to them.
Y/n: Me too.
Hilda: But guys, Beasley. He is to comedy as the Mozart was to music. He wrote the famous "Banana sketch".
Y/n: The "Banana sketch"...?
Kermit: What's the "Banana sketch"?
Hilda: You've never heard of "Banana sketch"? But it is funny is *laughs* is *laughs*.
She just laughed and left.
Y/n: Wow, she explained it to us very well.
Kermit: Mhm.
Fozzie came to the back stage after his performance.
Fozzie: Aaah, aah, ah, hears that?
Kermit: Great, great.
Fozzie: Oh boy, l killed them, oh boy. Yeah, l chose with the "Banana sketch", you know.
Kermit: Fozzie, what is the "Banana sketch"?
Fozzie looked at them in surprise.
Fozzie: You never heard of the "Banana sketch"?
Y/n: Uh... no.
Fozzie: Hey guys, hey! Kermit and Y/n never heard that the "Banana sketch"!
Fozzie went to spread the word to everyone.
Y/n: Is it just me or are we lagging behind everyone else?
Kermit: In fact it is so. Y/n.
Y/n: M?
Kermit: I think somebody's pulling my leg. Somebody is pulling my leg. *raised his leg* It's a great Gonzo.
Gonzo: You never heard of the "Banana sketch"? *laughs*
Kermit: Will you caught that off?!
Gonzo left immediately. Kermit and Y/n sighed.
                                    *at the dance*
Tango beat plays, couples are dancing a slow dance.
Mildred: You know, when l was in London, l saw them changing the guards.
George: What? Were they dirty?
Pig: Where'd you say you were born?
Pig 2: In Paris.
Pig: Oh, how'd you do that?
Pig 2: The usual way.
Rowlf: My cousin lives in the desert and boy, can he run fast.
Woman: Because the sand is so hot?
Rowlf: No, because the trees are so far apart.
Rabbit: Do you remember where we're first met?
Woman 2: Yeah, on the hop.
Animal: Haaah, enough! I'm falling for you!
Y/n: And what can l do?
Animal: Get out of the way!
He pushed Y/n away and hit himself on the floor twice.
Animal: Wanna join me?
Y/n: Uh... no.
Animal: *shrugged* As you wish *hit himself on the floor*. Backwards! *hit himself on the floor from behind*. Excuse me, sideways! *hit himself on the other side of the floor*.
Y/n: Geez, what an idiot. Does your head hurt?
Animal: Nope.
                                       *on stage*
Sandy was walking in the park and suddenly noticed Sweetums sitting on a bench and crying. She approached him.
Sandy Duncan: Excuse me, pardon.
Sweetums: Huh? You're talking to me?
Sandy Duncan: Yes, l couldn't notice but you crying.
Sweetums: Of course l'm crying, l-l feel sad. I mean wouldn't you feel sad, if you look like me?
Sandy Duncan: *sat down on the bench* I don't think there's anything that matter with the way you look.
Sweetums: Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
Sandy Duncan: No.
Sweetums: No, l mean, l'm a big, huge, hairy lump and l'm scared people, and every time l walk in this park, the people call police and they cry: "Monster!" The mothers grab their children and little dogs run away, and flowers wilt.
Sandy Duncan: Oh now, come on, l think you're exciting just it, aren't you?
Sweetums: Oh yeah? Watch this. Hello flower.
After his words, the flower withered.
Sweetums: See?
Sandy Duncan: Yeah, geez.
Sweetums: And, and see the dog over here?
Sandy Duncan: Aha.
Sweetums: Hello doggy.
The dog bites his hand and leaves.
Sandy Duncan: Well... but, but l'm not running away, l'm not calling police and l don't think you're a big lump, so there.
Sweetums: Is it truth? You're not, a beautiful lady like you takes the time to sit down and talk to me.
Sandy Duncan: Yeah, l just don't like seeing people cry. I think there's too much sadness in the world. You know, what if people just took a little time to look past the physical, *strokes him* they might find a lot of beautiful things about you.
Sweetums: Oh ho ho ho, l feel so good, so... so loved, so... so beautiful!
Sandy Duncan: You see? If we feel beautiful, we are beautiful.
Sweetums: Oh, l feel beautiful!
He stood up from the bench and Sandy stood up with him. She hugged him.
Sweetums: Oh, hello flower.
After his words, the flower grew right before our eyes.
Sweetums: Ho ho ho, oh hello doggy.
The dog licked his hand.
Sweetums: I feel beautiful!
He walked a little, humming song to himself.
Sweetums: Hello fountain! Oh, thank you beautiful lady.
Sandy Duncan: You're welcome.
He walked further.
Sweetums: Hello path!
She walked further and saw a lonely monster sitting on a bench.
Sandy Duncan: Oh my, you must look so sad. *sat down on the bench* Oh, l know that. That you may appear to be on the outside ugly but inside l'll bet that you are as beautiful as a morning sunrise.
The monster felt insulted, threw a pie in her face.
Sandy Duncan: On the other hand.
                                *Gonzo's number*
Rowlf plays on piano.
Gonzo: 🎶When life seems full of clouds an' rain🎶
🎶And l am filled with naught but pain,🎶
🎶Who soothes my thumpin' bumpin' brain?🎶
🎶Nobody🎶
*musical pause*
🎶When winter comes with snow an' sleet🎶
🎶And me with hunger and cold feet🎶
🎶Who says: "Ah, here's two bits, go an' eat!"🎶
🎶Nobody🎶
*musical pause*
🎶I ain't never done nothin' to nobody,🎶
🎶I ain't never got nothin' from nobody, no time!🎶
🎶And until l get somethin' from somebody, sometime,🎶
🎶I don't intend to do nothin' for nobody, no time!🎶
*musical pause*
🎶When l try hard an' scheme an' plan,🎶
🎶To look as good as l can,🎶
🎶Who says: "Ah, look at that handsome man!"🎶
Rowlf: Who does?
Gonzo: 🎶Nobody🎶
*musical pause*
🎶When all day long things go amiss,🎶
🎶And l go home to find some bliss,🎶
🎶Who hands to me a glowin' kiss?🎶
Rowlf: Nobody.
Gonzo: Right.
*musical pause*
🎶I ain't never done nothin' to nobody,*Rowlf howls*🎶
🎶I ain't never got nothin' from nobody *Rowlf howls*, no time!🎶
🎶And until l get somethin' from somebody *Rowlf howls*, sometime,🎶
🎶I don't intend to do nothin' for nobody🎶
Gonzo&Rowlf: 🎶No time!🎶
                                  *musical number*