Muppets x Female!Muppet!Reader

Season 1 episode 15 - Candice Bergen

Kermit: It's the Muppet show with our very special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen, woo!
(Band playing theme music)
Muppets Women: 🎶It's time to play the music🎶
🎶It's time to light the lights🎶
🎶It's time to meet the Muppets🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Muppets Men: 🎶It's time to put on makeup🎶
🎶It's time to dress up right🎶
🎶It's time to raise the curtain🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Fozzie: Hey question, what has a thousand legs but can't work? 500 pairs of pants *laughs*.
Kermit: 🎶To introduce our guest star🎶
🎶That's what i'm here to do🎶
🎶So it really makes me happy🎶
🎶To introduce to you🎶
Miss Candice Bergen, yeah!
🎶But now let's get things started🎶
Muppets: 🎶On the most sensational, inspirational🎶
🎶Celebrational, Muppetational🎶
🎶This is what we call🎶
🎶The Muppet show🎶
—
Kermit walked onto the stage causing a burst of applause.
Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey, what's waiting for us tonight? Our guest is the charming, Miss Candice Bergen and she's not just a pretty face, she's not only an actress but also a photographer, writer and traveler. In other words, nature has generously gifted her.
Statler: Hey, you can say it again?
Waldorf and Statler laughs.
Statler: Bravo! Bravo!
Kermit said, he wouldn't tolerate their jokes any longer as long as Candice was there and Piggy appeared behind the curtain.
Miss Piggy: *clears her throat* I'm tired of any these joke.
Kermit: Uh... Piggy, what are you doing here?
Miss Piggy: Oh Kermit, dear, have you noticed that every time we have a beautiful girl in show, you forget about me?
Kermit: Um... yeah, but even if we have a seal as a guest, l can forget about you.
Miss Piggy: He tries so desperately to hide his love from me.
Kermit: Yeah but...
Miss Piggy: You promised me, l'd open the show this week, frog.
Kermit: Oh Piggy, my love—
Piggy interrupted him, said, don't talk nonsense.
Miss Piggy: Listen turkey, Miss Bergen told me to stand up for my rights. Either l open the show, or Miss Bergen and l are walk.
Kermit: Alright, alright, you opening the show, Piggy. You opening the show.
Miss Piggy: Oh, what a surprise. Oh thank you, my love *kisses him on the cheek*. Kissy kissy.
She goes behind the curtains.
Kermit: Well, no one would say that the frog is being a pig. So, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Piggy and her version "What now my love?"

*backstage*
Kermit was reading the text but his attention was drawn to a frightened Piggy who walked to the backstage.
Kermit: Nice Piggy, you never sounded better. Okay, so l lie a little.
Fozzie: Wire for Kermit the Frog! Wire for Kermit the Frog! Uh, oh! Are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit: Of course l am.
Fozzie: *put a hanger on his face* Wire for you *laughs*.
Kermit: Cute, cute bit.
He took the hanger off his face and walked onto the stage.
Fozzie: Oh, l love a good running gag.
Kermit: There's a great little down home country style, sitting by the fire, whitlin and fiddling song called "Put another log on the fire". Here now is that song and here too is tonight's very special guest star, Miss Candice Bergen!

                                      *backstage*
In the dining room, Y/n was collecting dirty dishes and then Fozzie appears.
Fozzie: Letter for Y/n L/n! Letter for Y/n L/n! Letter for Y/n— Oh, are you Y/n L/n?
Y/n: Silly question but yes, it's me. Do you need something, Fozzie?
Fozzie: Yes, l have a letter for you.
Y/n: Let me guess, this is from my secret admirer, right?
Fozzie: No, it's not from him.
Y/n: Huh?
Fozzie holding the letter "R" and laughing.
Fozzie: A letter *laughs*. Funny, funny *laughs*.
He handed her the letter "R" and left.
Y/n: *sighed irritably* Someday l'm going to get this bear. I don't know how but l'm going to get him. And to be honest, it's not bad joke though. Uh... *saw Scooter* oh! Uh, letter for Scooter the Gofer!
Scooter: Hm?
Y/n: Letter for Scooter the Gofer!
He approaches her.
Scooter: What's that?
Y/n: Are you Scooter the Gofer?
Scooter: Well, you know l am, Y/n.
Y/n: There's a letter for you.
Scooter: Well sorry, l'll have to read it later. You see, l'm really busy getting stuff for Miss Bergen, see ya *leaves*.
Fozzie came back to her.
Fozzie: *laughs* Funny! *laughs*
Y/n: Fozzie, you have 5 seconds before l knock you out.
Fozzie reacted quickly and left immediately.
*at the dance*
Tango beat plays, couples are dancing a slow dance.
Y/n: When l was in school, l was the teacher's pet.
Droop: What's the matter? Couldn't teacher afford a dog?
Y/n: No, you idiot!
Feeling insulted, she knocked him out with one blow and left the stage.
Janice: If the Queen of England was free tomorrow night, would you take her to dinner?
Zoot: Yeah, sure babe, of course l would.
Janice: Well, she can make it so, how about me?
Pig: You know, you dance like Rogers.
Pig 2: *gasp* Oh, Ginger Rogers?
Pig: No, Roy Rogers.
George: Hey Mildred, would you mind if l popped the question?
Mildred: Oh, why of course not, George.
George: Thanks.
He pops a man who has a balloon with a question mark drawn on it instead of a head which made George laugh.
Mildred: Oh, shut up.
*panel discussion*
Kermit: Okay uh... uh... time, time once again, friends. Time once again to raise the intellectual level of our program and our subject tonight is: "Does travel broaden the mind?" Our panel tonight consists of Mildred Huxtetter, m-a-b-a-d-a-n-d-u-m-b.
Mildred: Charmed, l'm sure.
Kermit: Miss Piggy, noted chantusian black belt holder.
Miss Piggy: Mhm, kissy kissy.
Mildred: *snorted*.
Kermit: Sam the Eagle, our resident Grouch.
Sam: Oh, let's move it along, frog.
Kermit: Okay, and our special guest panelist, Miss Clara Cartwell. Well-known travel agent and author of the best selling book "Europe on five thousand dollars a day".
Candice Bergen: Oh no, no, no, it's called "Europe on fifty dollars a day". The book itself however costs five thousand dollars.
Sam: M, mhm, and probably well worth it too.
Candice Bergen: Oh yes.
Sam: Yes, pictures and everything, l bet.
Candice Bergen: Oh yes, the works.
Sam: M, m, m.
Kermit: Uh... okay but uh let's get back to our subject wishes: "Does travel broaden the mind?" Uh Miss Cartwell.
Candice Bergen: Well, as l write in my new book, nowhere or nothing a day. Travelling is the most broadening experience possible.
Mildred: Well, Piggy here hasn't traveled at all and she's broader than any of us.
Miss Piggy: Watch it, Mildred otherwise you won't be at the table but under!
Kermit and Sam tried to calm down an angry Piggy.
Kermit: Control yourself, control yourself.
Sam: Let, let me apologise for those weirdos. I myself am a world traveler.
Candice Bergen: Is it right? Where have you been?
Sam: Persia. I bought a rug there, m.
Candice Bergen: Well, l'm glad you're not wearing it. I like bald eagles.
She gave him a friendly nudge and laughed.
Sam: Not that, not that kind of rug.
Kermit: Oh yes, okay well, l think we're getting away from the subject which was: "Does travel broaden the mind?"
Candice Bergen: Ah well, absolutely no doubt about it. For example, l had a friend who never went anywhere, lived in the same town for over 30 years. She was so unsophisticated, she thought Marcello Mastroianni was an Italian soup.
Everyone laughed except Sam.
Sam: You mean, it isn't an Italian soup?
Mildred: And he called himself a world traveler?
Miss Piggy: Mhm.
Mildred: *snorted*
Sam: No, no, wait, l went to a restaurant where l ordered Marcello Mastroianni and l've got it in.
Candice Bergen: Really? What did you get?
Sam: A swarthy, good-looking man sitting in a bowl. I also send him back.
Candice Bergen: What do you get when you order a Russian dressing Rudolph putting on his tights?
Everyone laughed expect Sam.
Sam: I failed to see the humour on that.
Miss Piggy: Oh, l love it, burst his balloon, honey and go popping!
Mildred: Speaking of balloons, either let some air out or go on a diet, l have nowhere to buttle.
This angers Piggy and she starts yelling at her. Kermit and Sam try to calm them down.
Kermit: Now, now, we have a special guest with us. You better put your best face forward.
Mildred: That whose face is poker you're going to borrow.
Miss Piggy: That does it! *hit her*
Kermit: Uh... well, l guess that does it for. I'm sorry about that, Miss Cartwell.
Candice Bergen: Oh no, it's been very broadening.
Sam: You do really like me without rug?
Candice Bergen: Of course it is, are you busy later?
Sam: Uh no, but l can uh *clears his throat* getting out somewhere.
Kermit: Well uh join us next week when our topic: "Will be air pollution a modern myth?"
Smoke appeared causing everyone to cough.
                                 *Rowlf's number*
Rowlf plays on piano.
Rowlf: 🎶It's not where to start, it's where you finish🎶
🎶It's not how you go, it's how you land🎶
🎶A hundred to one shot, they call him a klutz🎶
🎶Can out-run the favourite, all he needs is the guts🎶
🎶Your final return will not diminish🎶
🎶And you can be the cream of the crop🎶
🎶It's not where you start, it's where you finish🎶
🎶And l'm gonna finish—
Scooter: Rowlf, hey Rowlf, listen, Kermit says you sang the song too quick. You're going to have sing it again but you only have a minute, okay?
Rowlf: Alright.
Rowlf began to play the piano faster.
Rowlf: Here we go.
🎶It's not where you start, it's where you finish🎶
🎶It's not how you go, it's how you land🎶
🎶A hundred to one shot, they call him a klutz🎶
🎶Can out-run the favourite, all he needs is the guts🎶
I'm gonna do it!
🎶Your final return will not diminish🎶
🎶And you can be the cream of the crop🎶
🎶It's not where you start, it's where you finish🎶
🎶And l'm gonna finish—
Scooter: Hey Rowlf, Rowlf, listen, it's my uncle's favourite song. It says he'd like to hear one more time but you only have 20 seconds, alright? Hit it!
Rowlf began to play the piano even faster.
Rowlf: 🎶It'snotwhereyoustart, it'swhereyoufinish🎶
🎶It'snothowyougo, it'showyouland🎶
Scooter: That's 15 seconds!
Rowlf: 🎶Canout-runthefavourite, allheneedsistheguts🎶
Scooter: 10 seconds!
Rowlf: 🎶Yourfinalreturnwillnotdiminish🎶
🎶Andyoucanbethecreamofthecrop🎶
Scooter: 5 seconds!
Rowlf/Scooter: 🎶It'snotwhereyoustart, it'swhereyoufinish🎶/Four, three, two!
Rowlf: 🎶Andl'mgonnafinishontime🎶 *closed the lid of the piano*
Scooter: Early.
                                       *talk spot*
Kermit: Cheese!
Candice took a photo of him.
Kermit: Got that?
Candice Bergen: Yeah.
Kermit: Mhm.
Candice Bergen: Um... Kermit, do you think you could do something a little more candid?
Kermit: Ah... sure uh let's see.
He crossed his legs and tilted his head slightly to the right.
Kermit: How's that? Hmm.
Candice Bergen: Well, that's not exactly candid, Kermit, you know what l mean.
Kermit: Oh okay, yes, candid for Candice. *lays down slightly* Frog and repose.
Candice Bergen: What l was thinking was something a little more natural.
Kermit: More natural uh... let's see what we got there. *assumed a sitting position* Make sure you get my good side note.
Candice Bergen: Which one which side is the good side?
Kermit: I think it's the side. *turned head the other way* It might be this side over here. *turned head again* Or maybe... uh... I don't know, what do you think?
Candice Bergen: Well, I think, I think the uh head-on. Why won't we try the head-on?
Kermit: Head-on?
Candice Bergen: Just, just okay like that.
Kermit: Okay, although, my profile has been compared to Barrymore.
Sweetums appears.
Sweetums: Yeah? Ethel Barrymore?
Kermit: Um... uh... Sweetums, if you don't mind, Candice is trying to take my picture.
Sweetums: Oh yeah? Ah, is that a good camera on there?
Candice Bergen: *handed him the second camera* Yeah, that's a terrific camera. This is an 85 to 210 macro zoom lens with the finest Swiss Optics. This is a great camera.
Sweetums ate her camera.
Sweetums: I don't know, l've tasted better *leaves*.
Candice Bergen: Kermit, he ate my camera.
Kermit: You're lucky, last week he ate the guest.
Candice Bergen: Cute, cute show.
                                         *on stage*
The Swedish Chef sings a little song.
Swedish Chef&Y/n: Børk! Børk! Børk!
The Swedish Chef threw away the spoons and said that today you will be making spicy sauce. Y/n stirred with a spoon, then sprinkled pepper, added some spices and sauce. She let the Swedish Chef try it and smoke came out of his ears. He praised her for her work but now decided to pour out all the spices and all the sauce to Y/n's surprise, and this time he let her try it herself. Y/n doubted that she would like the very strong spicy sauce but she still tried it which caused a huge smoke to come out of her ears, her face turned completely red and she fell down. The Swedish Chef asked if she was okay, to which Y/n gave a thumbs up.
                                *Candice's number*