Muppets x Female!Muppet!Reader

Season 1 episode 22 - Ethel Merman

Kermit: It's the Muppet show with our very special guest star, Miss Ethel Merman.
(Band playing theme music)
Muppets Women: 🎶It's time to play the music🎶
🎶It's time to light the lights🎶
🎶It's time to meet the Muppets🎶
🎶On the Muppets show tonight🎶
Muppets Men: 🎶It's time to put on makeup🎶
🎶It's time to dress up right🎶
🎶It's time to raise the curtain🎶
🎶On the Muppet show tonight🎶
Fozzie: Hey, l went to a diet doctor and in just two months l lost three hundred dollars *reads paper*.
Kermit: 🎶To introduce our guest star🎶
🎶That's what I'm here to do🎶
Fozzie came out from behind the curtain.
Kermit:🎶So it really makes me happy🎶
🎶To introduce to you🎶
Fozzie throws the paper away and goes back behind the curtains.
Kermit: Miss Ethel Merman!
🎶But now let's get things started🎶
Muppets: 🎶On the most sensational, inspirational🎶
🎶Celebrational, Muppetational🎶
🎶This is what we call🎶
🎶The Muppet show🎶
—
Kermit walked onto the stage, causing a burst of applause.
Kermit: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome, dear friends, to another edition of the Muppet show and we're very honoured to have as our special guest star, one of the true Giants of the Broadway musical stage, Miss Ethel Merman.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermit, my love.
Kermit: Hm?
Miss Piggy: Since Ethel Merman is our guest.
Kermit: Mhm.
Miss Piggy: As a tribute, l plan to sing a medley of all her great hits.
Kermit: Uh... uh, Piggy, why would anyone want to hear you sing Miss Merman's songs, when Miss Merman is here to sing them herself?
Miss Piggy: Well, since l've rehearsed them, why don't l just do him and call it a tribute to Irving Berlin?
Kermit: Piggy, will you get out of here?!
Miss Piggy: Hmph.
Kermit: Out! Out! Out! Out!
Piggy left.
Kermit: *sigh* Okay, having settled out. Let's kick off the show with a little number we call "Java".

Waldorf: That song had a nice beat.
Statler: No, no, l don't want to eat.
Waldorf: I said, beat! Beat! You old fool, why don't you turn up your hearing aid?
Statler: There's gonna be a raid? Well, let's get out of here.
Statler was about to leave, but he ran into a wall.
Waldorf: I give up.
*backstage*
An orange creature was carried on a stretcher, which was injured at the end of the number.
Kermit: Okay, nice, nice number, you guys, good opening.
Fozzie: Kermit! Kermit! Kermit! Hey, uh... my agent is dropping by a little later in the show.
Kermit: Okay, fine.
Fozzie: Yeah.
Kermit: *speaks through the speaker* Hey, stand by for the next number.
Scooter: Everything's ready, boss *leaves*.
Kermit: Good boy, Scooter. That kid's doing a great job.
Fozzie: Hey, you think, you have a time to talk to him?
Kermit: Of course, l always have time to talk to Scooter. His uncle owns the theatre.
Fozzie: No, no, no, no, no, no, l mean, my agent.
Kermit: What does he own?
Fozzie: 10% of me.
Kermit: Okay, okay, what does he want to talk about?
Fozzie: My contract.
Kermit: Fozzie, you don't have a contract.
Fozzie: That's what he wants to talk about.
Kermit: Will you get out of here?!
Fozzie: Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
Fozzie left, Kermit went on stage.
Kermit: Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, ordinarily l just introduced the guest star and get out of the way, but tonight l personally get to participate. You see, everybody wanted to sing a duet with Ethel Merman and because she's introduced so many Broadway hits. We thought that uh... some of us could do a few of them uh... or a few of us could do some of them. Anyhow, l now take great pleasure in introducing Miss Ethel Merman and some of her songs, and some of us, and uh... me *went behind the curtains* Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Ethel Merman.
Ethel Merman&Kermit: 🎶You're the top!🎶
Kermit: 🎶You're the Coliseum🎶
Ethel Merman&Kermit: 🎶You're the top!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶You're the Louver Museum🎶
🎶You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss🎶
Kermit: 🎶You're a Bendel bonnet🎶
🎶A Shakespeare's sonnet🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶You're Mickey Mouse🎶
Kermit: Is that, is that a compliment?
Ethel Merman: Well, you called me the Coliseum.
Kermit: Sorry about that.
Fozzie: 🎶If you're ever in a jam, here l am🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶If you're ever in a mess, S.O.S🎶
Fozzie: 🎶If you're ever feel so happy, you land in jail, l'm your bail🎶
Ethel Merman&Fozzie: 🎶It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship🎶
🎶When other friendships are soon forgot, ours will still be hot🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶La la la la la la🎶
Fozzie: 🎶Dig dig dig🎶
Scooter: 🎶The night is young, the skies are clear🎶
🎶So if you want to go walking, dear🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶It's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely🎶
Gonzo: 🎶I understand the reason why🎶
🎶You're sentimental, 'cause so am l🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶It's delightful🎶
Scooter: 🎶It's delicious🎶
Gonzo: 🎶It's de-lovely🎶
Y/n: 🎶Whenever we go, whatever we do🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶We're gonna go through it together🎶
Uncle Deadly: 🎶I hear singing and there's no one there🎶
Ethel Merman: You would.
Miss Piggy: 🎶Anything you can do, l can do better🎶
🎶I can do anything better than you🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶No, you can't!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶Yes, l can!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶No, you can't!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶Yes, l can!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶No, you can't!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶Yes, l can!🎶
🎶Yes, l can!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶Anything you can be, l can be greater🎶
🎶Sooner or later l'm greater than you🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶No, you're not!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶Yes, l am!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶No, you're not!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶Yes, l am!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶No, you're not!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶Yes, l am!🎶
🎶Yes, l am!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶I can be a racer, quietest people chaser🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶I can jump a hurdle, even with a girdle🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶I can do most anything!🎶
Ethel Merman: Can you bake a pie?
Miss Piggy: No.
Ethel Merman: Neither can l.
Miss Piggy: 🎶Any note you can reach, l can do higher🎶
🎶I can sing anything higher than you🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶No, you can't!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶Yes, l can!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶No, you can't!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶Yes, l can!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶No, you can't!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶Yes, l can!🎶
Ethel Merman: 🎶No, you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't!🎶
Miss Piggy: 🎶Yes, l caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!🎶
Ethel Merman: Yes, you can.
Muppets: 🎶We belong to a mutual🎶
🎶Admiration society🎶
Kermit: 🎶Miss Merman and me🎶
Ethel Merman&Muppets: 🎶We belong to a mutual🎶
🎶Admiration sociiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeetyyyyyyyyyyy🎶
Waldorf: *chuckles* Yeah, wonderful, wonderful! I remember Ethel Merman in the opening "Panama Hattie".
Statler: You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt in the opening "Of the Panama Canal".
                                     *backstage*
Fozzie: Hey, Kermit! Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit: Hm?
Fozzie: Remember, l told you my agent was coming?
Kermit: Yeah.
Fozzie: Well, he is here.
Kermit: *looks around* Where?
Fozzie: Uh... here *points down*. He's a little short, Kermit.
Kermit: Heh, he certainly is.
Fozzie: Okay, he's very sensitive. So what *looks around*, no short jokes, okay?
Kermit: Okay, l'm sorry, just introduce us.
Fozzie: Okay, uh...
Fozzie lays the agent down on the table and brushes the dust off him.
Fozzie: Kermit, this is Irving Bizarre, my agent.
Irving Bizarre: Eh, hiya, Kermit. How are you doing, sweetie?
Kermit: This is an agent? Where's your office or everything in your hat? *laughs*.
Irving Bizarre: Ha ha, very funny, very funny.
Kermit: Hey, who else do you handle Rich Little? *laughs* Tiny Tim? *laughs*
Irving Bizarre: I wouldn't handle you, l'd get warts.
Kermit: Warts?! What kind of talk is that?! Will you get out take this guy and get out of here, Fozzie?! *leaves*
Fozzie: I don't think this negotiation is going to well.
Irving Bizarre: Hey, don't worry, sweetie, Fozzie. We got him right, where we want him.
Fozzie carries Irving away.
                                    *blackout*
Ethel brushes off her clothes as Hilda walks past her.
Ethel Merman: Oh, Hilda.
Hilda: Oh, yes, Miss Merman?
Ethel Merman: I don't wish to complain, but there's a mouse in my dressing room.
Hilda: Oh, yes, we'll move her tomorrow, but for now it's the only place she has to change.
Ethel Merman: Change?
Hilda: Yeah, she sings in the band *leaves*.
Ethel Merman: Is this a show or a zoo?
An Animal appears behind her.
Animal: Hiya, honey.
Ethel Merman: It's a zoo. *screams*
Animal: Perfect pitch.
She hit him on the head, knocking him out.
                              *in the balcony box*
Statler: What are you taking your tea?
Waldorf: Oh, milk, two sugars, one mouse.
Statler: One what?
Waldorf: Mouse, take a look.