A Writer's Notebook / Collection of Short Stories

As complicated and as simple as that [🇺🇸]

DATE: 01/08/2023

There I was, standing in front of hundreds of guests, all dressed up. My hair tied in a bun, my white dress slightly touching the ground, my heels covered with pearls that matched my earrings.
Everyone had their eyes on me as I walked along the path leading to the altar. But I couldn't help holding eye contact with Nick. When I passed his bench row I gave him a slight smile, which he returned. We both knew that this was the end. I
had made my decision, and it was waiting up there for me, at the end of this path. So, I walked up the stairs and gazed into the eyes of whom would become my husband. He looked so handsome in that black suit. His smile was welcoming, even if his blue eyes seemed ice-cold.
During the whole ceremony I wasn't really able to listen to the priest. I was distracted by Daniels looks, that he constantly gave me. He was staring at me with that innocent smile of his which I loved so much. He really loved me by heart, and I could feel that. That's exactly the romance every girl dreams to experience one day, right? I could consider myself very lucky. Yet, it made me
feel somewhat uncomfortable.
When I was with him, it always felt so perfect... maybe sometimes a bit too perfect. He was the type of guy who'd tell you how pretty you look when you just woke up with messy hair; the type of guy who'd bring you chocolate and a hot bottle of water when you're on your period; or the type of guy who'd accompany you to a lecture he isn't even interested in, just to spend time with you. As I said, he was just perfect. Just as I was, right? I mean, I'd struggled all my life to maintain that facade. So, I had to be perfect. I had the perfect grades in school, the perfect job, the perfect body, the perfect health, and of course the perfect boyfriend. We just fit perfectly. And he understood me like no other. Our personalities fit so good. It was almost as if we were the same person, just with different gender. He understood how it was to be criticized for being nerdy, he
understood the pressure I felt from everyone, he understood my overthinking about people's opinions. I mean, we even had the same love language! We made each other romantic personalized gifts on unexpected days. We gave each other words of affirmation when we most needed to hear them. And we always said "I
love you" without being scared of those words. I just sometimes wondered; how often can you tell someone you love them before these words lose its meaning?
A sudden touch on my right hand woke me from my thoughts. Daniel was slightly caressing my fingers with his. I looked up at him and smiled softly. He blushed and smiled back. I don't think anyone noticed this little gesture as the priest had begun to sing something religious.
Then, almost as a reflex, my gaze wandered to Nick again. He was still there where I had seen him a few minutes before: sitting in the sixth bench row at my right and looking at me as if I was the only person in the room. But it wasn't a romantic look like in movies, like Daniel's. It was rather analyzing, as if he found some amusement in observing me.
He used to look at me a lot, I mean, back then when we were still a couple. I remember that at the beginning I always thought it was creepy. He could put on that dirty look, as if every single of my movements were a miracle. But again, not in that pure innocent type of love way. He desired me, my whole being and existence. It was hard to explain, but I really liked that feeling, the feeling of
being wanted. But not only sexually, like the first time I had slept with him. It was a different type of lust. He simply loved you as a human being. Nick was the type of guy who'd hold you in his arms as if you were his most valued treasure; the type of guy who'd kiss your stretchmarks until you loved them too; or the type of guy who'd kidnap you from work to take you on his motorcycle and drive until you forgot all your problems. With him there were no worries about the future or no pressure of being right and correct. He never judged me, because he never let anyone judge him either. Maybe he wasn't the type of flowers, candles or gifts, but he could give you the stars and make the rest of the world disappear. I remembered that being with him, meant that there was no one else. Just him, me, no sound, no chaos, no world. It was simply us, caught in a moment. Exactly like right now, when our eyes met. Even from the distance I could feel those dark brown chocolate eyes observe me in silence. My heart started to beat
faster. I could feel him. And suddenly he was closer than Daniel, even if he held my hand. It was again as if no one existed but us. And all those feelings hit me in a moment. The passion, the touches, the heartbeats, the arguments, the pain,
the forgiveness, the silence... And there it was, that little smirk of his. I couldn't help but blush.
But then I gave myself a jerk and turned around, back to the priest. No. What was I even thinking about? I shouldn't be distracting myself with the past. Whatever we had was gone, right?
"Daniel, are you willing to take Caroline as your future wife, to love and honor her for as long as you both shall live?", the priest demanded.
"Yes, I am.", he responded smiling at me and holding my hand tighter.
My heart was racing.
"Caroline, are you willing to take Daniel as your future husband, to love and honor him for as long as you both shall live?"
It was my turn to answer the question that I had waited so long to be asked. Since I was a little girl, I had always dreamed of this moment.
So there I was, standing in front of hundreds of guests, all dressed up. My hands holding the ones of Daniel, my eyes meeting his, but my heart racing for someone else. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. This was all I ever wanted. In front of me I had my best friend standing. The guy with whom I had shared so many years. The one who had always been there since I was young,
almost like... like a brother.
That was the moment where it hit me. I wasn't in love with Daniel. I never had been. He just had always been there for me. He had been the sweet and adorable guy who had taken care of me when the rest of the world had let me down. He had been the hand who always picked me up when I had fallen. And I was the same for him. But I never had felt those butterflies. I wasn't excited to see him when we spent time apart, as I could always reach him through the phone if I needed him. And even if he understood better than no one how this
society made me feel, he never managed to change that. On the other hand though... when I was with Nick, I felt different. I knew I could mess everything up, I could yell at him or have a panic attack and scream. He would just hold me tight in his arms bringing me back to reality. He knew my fears, my dark sides.
With him I had talked about topics that are tabu with everyone else. We could have those deep philosophical discussions and end up laughing about the most stupid conversations. He knew me, he knew sides of me that no one else did, not even Daniel. With Nick I was simply 100% myself without being scared of being judged. I couldn't do anything wrong. If something bothered him, he'd tell me, he'd maybe get mad, but then he'd just look at me and our eyes would meet, and
suddenly everything would go back into its place. I couldn't really explain the connection I had with him, but what I couldn't for sure was denying its existence. When I was with him, I didn't always have to be that angel that Daniel saw in me. Even if I knew he respected my flaws, I still knew I'd be judged. He had me idealized in a way that gave me no freedom to make errors and commit mistakes
sometimes. I had no doubt he loved me, including my flaws, but I knew that Nick would just look at me burning a house down and would still love me like before. Maybe that was what people meant by "partners in crime". It was just so incredibly easy with Nick. It wasn't perfect, definitely not. But who said it had to be?
"I... I am sorry, Dan.", I managed to put into words. "I can't. I just can't do this."
Within seconds the mute silence in the church turned into indignant whispers. I felt how Daniels heart broke into a million little pieces. He let go of my hand and stuttered.
"I... I don't understand... Why? What's wrong, Caroline?"
"I... I can't explain. This... all this is just not what I want."
"I thought this is all you ever wanted..."
"Yea...", I sighed, "I thought so too. But sometimes people are wrong. And I don't wanna commit this mistake."
"Mistake?", from his voice I could tell that he was about to cry. "We've been together for five years... and we know each other since ever. What makes you think this is a mistake without even trying?"
I could hear the voices around us getting louder. Between the faces you could see intrigue or disappointment. They were all expecting me to say something. Maybe correct myself, or at least give a reasonable explanation. Now it was me who also felt like crying.
"I... I don't know, Dan, okay? I just don't know. It doesn't feel right. It feels like this is what I have to do, not what I want to do. We've been planning this wedding since forever, kinda. I guess I just never took into consideration to do something
else..."
"We can do something else, if that's what you want. We don't have to marry. At least not yet, if you don't feel ready..."
I was trying to listen to him but my eyes were wandering around searching for Nick's. I couldn't find him, and that was freaking me out. I would have really liked to see his reaction. But I guess it was just that: leaving. He had pulled a classic
Nick. And I couldn't help but feeling incredibly stupid. Why was I destroying my perfect future for a guy who'd run away of drama? I mean, that was kind of the reason why I loved him. But at the same time that childish behavior killed me sometimes. It had been the reason why we broke up back then...
"I don't know.", I repeated not knowing what else to say.
"We can do something else if it's a matter of something...except, this is actually a matter of... someone..."
"What? No.", I lied. It wasn't my intention to lie to him. I think I did more lie to myself.
"Is there someone else? I thought you were happy with me...", Daniel couldn't hold back a tear.
I took his hands again, as he just had done with mine some minutes ago when peace still had covered these walls.
"Listen to me, Dan. This is not about someone else. This is about you, about me...about us. You're right, I am very happy with you. But I'm also empty." He made an attempt of replying but I kept holding my speech. "Let me finish, please. I love you incredibly much, and I know you do too. It's not about that. It's just... I don't know, I don't want this. It's too perfect to be true. And not in a way
of it being an unrealistic dream. I know we can work because we proved that already. But I... I don't want us to work. Not this way. I don't want a perfect life.", my voice started to raise, "It is boring... and... and tiring! Gosh, this is so tiring!
I'm exhausted... I can't keep pretending everything is okay and perfectly fine."
"I just don't understand what is so exhausting to you... I always try to make things easy. I give you massages after your work and make you dinner when you don't have time."
"I know, gosh I know, and I'm so thankful for it. But that's exactly what I'm tired of." I didn't let go of his hands to make sure he was looking into my eyes and listening to me. "I'm tired of being treated like a goddamn princess. I need to be
able to see that I can do things by myself. I need my space to try alone, mess up terribly, learn from it, and find a way to fix it. I don't want you to have my back for the rest of my life... And that's exactly what I would be accepting with this marriage."
"I... I don't understand you, Caroline. What happened to you? I've never seen you like this..."
I sighed. I knew, he never had. I always try to hold back my anger to not hurt people I love. The only one who had really seen the demons I hide was Nick. And not for any other reason than that he was a complete stranger I didn't care about at first. But I guess this is what they talk about when they say the reaction of the others is what matters. Nick had yelled back at me but the next day he had knocked at my door, without any flower or gift, just him. He hadn't apologized,
because he knew I had also messed up. He had just asked to enter and we had sat next to each other cuddling while watching the chimney in silence, but in peace. And here I was now with Daniel. He was looking at me heartbroken, as if I
just had taken his most precious possession from him. Now he was looking at a stranger, with contempt.
"Maybe it was time you saw me like this, before marrying the wrong person.", I muttered while looking down.
"But... you're not the wrong person... I'm so sorry if I did something wrong."
"No, Dan, no, you didn't do anything wrong. Stop apologizing. I did. This is entirely my fault. So please stop saying it's yours. I'm not perfect,okay? Let me take the blame once. Please."
I looked into his eyes again. His face was covered in tears. I just had destroyed the heart of the most important person in my life. But in some way I felt relief.
He stayed silent, just looking at me until I dared to speak again.
"I need to head out a moment. I need fresh air. I'm... I'm so incredibly sorry, Dan."
I picked up my long white dress from the floor and ran outside through the path I had walked in before. Now, as at my entrance, all the pairs of eyes were on me. Well, all except one. But it was probably better this way.
I decided to hide in the girl's toilet, hoping to have some privacy there. I grabbed a few tissues and started sobbing into them until I heard a very well-known voice coming from the door.
"I figured I'd find you in here. Everything okay, Callie?"
It was Nick. He was still here. And he had been looking for me? I couldn't stop myself from crying harder.
"Hey, hey...", he tried to calm me hugging me softly, "I didn't mean to scare you."
I don't know why but I had to laugh a little.
"What the hell are you doing in the girl's toilet, Nick?"
"Didn't I just say that? I was looking for you."
I didn't know what to do now. I just stayed there looking into his eyes, trying to find that comfort I was longing for so badly right now. I felt him staring back. He had that look again, that look of being amazed by my being.
Without even thinking about what I was about to do, I leaned forward and tried to kiss him. But before I could, he held my white covered shoulders and stopped me.
"I don't think this is very appropriate right now", he smirked.
"Oh my god, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me! Why is everything so complicated?"
I was so mad at myself. I was literally ruining everything. How could I possibly be that stupid?
"You miss me, it's as...", he paused for a second changing into a more mockingly tone, "...complicated...", and then he switched into a serious and calming voice, "...and as simple as that."
He was right. Nick was damn well right. I really missed him. And he apparently knew that.
"I'm so sorry... for everything.", were the only words I was able to phrase.
He just laughed, implying I was again being overly dramatic. That's something he used to tell me.
"Please, Callie, never apologize again for trying to kiss me."
I couldn't help but laughing too. This was so embarrassing, yet I needed it somehow.
"I did screw up, didn't I?"
"I mean, technically yes. But honestly, it would have been way more stupid to marry if you were only pushing yourself into it, don't you think?", he reasoned.
He had a point.
"Gosh", I groaned, "what am I supposed to do now?"
"I don't know, but listen, this will work out somehow. Everything does eventually. Don't freak out."
I felt like laughing because I felt ridiculous right now hiding in the church toilet, yet I also had to cry because I felt stupid for messing up everything. So I started sobbing and laughing at the same time into my tissues.
"My oh my...", Nick sighed ironically desperate, "what am I gonna do with you?"
"Can you just give me a hug?", I sobbed.
He came closer and wrapped me tight in his arms. My breath started calming and the tears slowly stopped pouring. I stayed in his arms during some minutes that felt like hours. Then, he slowly made a step back and put a loose strain of my hair behind my ear. His face was so close to mine...
"I think you should go talk to Daniel. A proper apology wouldn't be a bad idea."
"Yeah, you're right", I said eliminating the recurring thought of kissing him.
I wiped my tears away as if I had never cried and went towards the toilet door. Before leaving I turned around to look at Nick one last time. He was casually washing his hands. Why? Who'd know. He sometimes just did things for the
purpose of doing them. Not like me, who always needed a plausible reason for my behavior. That's one of the many aspects of his character I envied.
"Will I see you again?", I asked shyly.
He looked up at me, smirked and shook his head incredulously.
"I'll stay around, Callie. You know I won't run away. At least not from you. 'My immature childish ass is nothing without you'.", he referred to what I once told him right before breaking up.
I knew it wasn't a reproach, just his way of making fun out of serious situations. So I chuckled softly.
"You're impossible, Nicky."
"Well, take it or leave it. It's as complicated and as simple as that.", he repeated what seemed to be his favorite sentence. "See you around, Callie."
Then he passed by my side and headed outside, leaving the church's building. I just stood there during some instants, looking at the door he had just crossed. I knew all guests would be disappointed, but for the first time in my life I felt free. Not having everything under control turned out to be a really good feeling. 'Sometimes you just have to be a bit egoistic, to stay true to yourself, you know?', I remembered an advice Nick had once given me. And once more, he was so
goddamn right. I sighed and opened the door leading to the church's main hall.