A Writer's Notebook / Collection of Short Stories

Liar. Sorry... [🇺🇸]

DATE: 22/10/2022

You're a liar. Denying it would just be another of your lies. Yeah, shut up. Stop criticising me for breaking promises. You never kept yours. Never. I just told that myself. You said, you'd be here. Anytime I had some problem you were. You interestedly listened. But you couldn't truly handle me in the end. I was so naive. Always giving my best to help and no one pays back. And I was stupid enough to think you were different. I thought you'd stay. Obviously you didn't.
Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm being unfair. You tried. You really did. But life has messed with you too much. You're way too broken. It's not your fault. But, fuck-, it's neither mine. I'm not your enemy. I fucking love you so much it hurts. I always did. And even though I wished it wasn't this way, you're the most important person in my life. Yeah, you still are. Maybe you'll always be.
I should write a story about us. I'd win an Oscar or some prize for sure. Drama of the year. But what for? You'd just get mad. You lately always do. And when I tell you, you say I victimise myself. No, sorry, but hell nah. It's true. You have this fixed idea that I don't understand you. But what makes you so sure? That I always ask? Well, I do that to be sure. I do that because you say I don't know you at all. But I know you better than anyone. Maybe, maybe even better than yourself. But as I don't feel the exact same thing as you, you think I don't get it. Lies. Just more lies. Maybe I'm getting closer to understanding you than you think.
You say you notice everything while others never see how you're suffering. The second part might be true, but not the first one. You don't notice a shit. Not meant to criticise you, but you didn't notice when I started to take my anti-stress pills in school. Oh and of course you didn't notice the scars on my wrists. How would you? I covered them. But still, you didn't. So stop pretending. Stop acting like you're the only one with problems having a hard time. Stop thinking I don't love you because I can't give you all my attention. Stop saying you understand me or know how I feel. Stop believing I'm unable to understand you. Stop lying to me saying you're sorry and will make an effort to be a better friend. We both know that won't happen. You're too egocentric. I UNDERSTAND that though. How wouldn't you with all the messed up shit in your life? Of course you only see your perspective and focus on your own stuff. But instead of always controlling me and saying what I shouldn't do or who I shouldn't talk to, you could ask if there's something that bothers me about you. Cause believe me, I also don't feel good with you. But I made a choice. I chose to love you. You and all your million fucking demons. That's what love is about. It's about having problems but keep trying.
Do you even love me? You say you do but then you scream at me or just don't answer. You said you hated it when I ghosted you because I was busy; now you're doing it too. Is this some sort of revenge? It seems like you only remember my mistakes. But I invested so MUCH time in you. Too much time. All the months working on your birthday present, or on your advent calendar. All the late night talks when I didn't sleep. Oh and all the time I spend thinking about you; researching about depression, about eating disorders, about self-harm, about misophonia, about how to help someone come out... so so so soooo many lost hours you don't even know about and never will. What for? You saying I don't care about you and never were there in your darkest moments. But I was there more than anyone else. You shouldn't forget that. But you do. You forget so much. Damn memory of mine.
But you know what? You never were there for me either. I thought you were. I really did. But now that I told you I was struggling, all you did is writing me that huge letter saying how wonderful I am and how much I would mean to you. Telling me you'd be better, you'd be here. But all you do is keep criticising how I am. The best would be to go separated ways. But I don't want to lose you. Because even though it feels like you're playing with me or manipulating me in a very toxic way, I feel like it's my fault. I know it's not but it feels like I messed up. I wish you never met me. Fuck no- ! I don't. This pain was worth every second we spent together. I guess I'm just sorry. Maybe one day you're able to forgive me.