Beyond Words

30. Bye

Adaa POV

Where am I? Why is this all-white in here? Wait a second why am I in the white clothes? I wore black yesterday, and where the hell am I running? Am I dead, is this heaven? how did I even die? Accident? did I jump off? Gosh! did I get murdered? 

Ohh god why are these lights blinding bright? Wait a second this is a room. to be precise a hospital room. But why am I here? I found no one in the room but I could feel his colon, I found him sleeping with my hand in his and his head on my hand. I moved my hand that had saline to caress his hair but my hand stopped in the middle the moment yesterday's moment ran in my brain. 

"She remains me of Piya dad, but that doesn't mean I love her............... She is just a friend but a special one"

It hurts, It hurts so much like a million arrows piercing into your heart. Why does it hurt so much? That is what we decided right 'no strings attached'. I already know the end of it. When I know everything why does it feel like a dagger being pushed into my heart, my throat feels tight suppressing the shout threatening to come out. Is loving me so hard, that everyone left. I didn't want to be unique, or special I just wanted to be loved. Is that a crime? I just wanted someone who could Love me for what I am, not someone who says that I am special, unique. Who wants unique, special people? they only want a normal life with normal people. Why does everyone leave once they say that I am special and unique? Because things are to be kept separate, and secure. But no one knows how lonely it can be, to be unique.

"How are you feeling now? should I call the doctor?", the worry was visible on his face but is he doing this because he saw her in me? is this worry for me or for her? All this time we spent, was because it felt me as Piya, not because of me. Did he see her in me even when we had our intimate time? All the time we spent was not me and him, it was him and her. I was a fool, thinking they were our moments. 

I turned my head as he touched my forehead probably to know the temperature but his touch felt more hot, it was burning my skin. It's funny how a comforting touch turns disgusting just by a word. I could see the hurt in his eyes, but I was hurt too. Can't he see in my eyes, how can I read every expression, emotion, and feeling in him?

"How are you feeling now?", a doctor in her mid 30's asked.
"A little headache, everything is alright", she came forward to take a good look at me. 
"Nothing to worry about, it's just stress. you just need proper rest and food." She left the room after telling me to do meditation and other methods to cope with stress.

I am not feeling anything, I don't know why. Generally, people cry right when they hear something they don't like so why am I not? All I felt was numb, no pain, no remorse nothing like I was a log. 

"Adaa, are you ok beta(child)?", My dad came with a worried mom and brother trailing behind him. 
"Sorry, we weren't there when you woke up. we just went to have food.", My mom caressed my hair helping me to sit up.
"No worries amma, I just woke up doctor came and told me to take a rest, that's it. I forgot to ask her when will they discharge me?", I asked as if nothing happened, but my head felt like splitting.
"Today, after lunch", Rohan said.
"I don't want to stay here", I whine setting my hair. 
"We will leave, but for that, you have to eat this" Mom brought idly. I turned to my dad and brother for help but they seemed too strict than mom so I silently ate all. They were standing like they were investigating police and I was a criminal.

Slowly everyone left the room leaving me and Vishrut alone. 
"Vishrut", I called him motioning to sit him beside me.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I would never compare and I know what you must be thinking. seriously don't, don't ever think that I have done all those reminding her in you. You are you for me. You both resemble but I never tried to see her in you. I have been with you not her. It's you and me, not her." He is back to his habit of rambling when he is nervous. With a weak smile, I put my finger on his lips stopping him.

"Doesn't matter Vishrut. Now I feel for you, and that is something we have forbidden in our relationship. You said we should stop when someone between you and me catches feelings. We should stop now, Vishrut. I am tired, there was a hope that someday you would also love me, But now I have lost it. I don't know from when, how, why, hell I don't even know if I love you or not. But all I could say is I have caught feelings for you, and I can't even express them, but I myself don't know what to name them. And I don't want to encourage them. So, Please let's stop this, let's not hurt them. Did you look at your mom, how happy she was, she treated me like her own daughter, I can't even look at her when she talking to me with such love. Do you know how much my parents trust you, they were happy with the thought that you could keep me happy in their absence. All their thoughts and wishes are feeling so heavy."

He came forward keeping his forehead on mine after taking a deep breath 
"Is this really what you need, Adaa? Because the selfish part of me wants to keep you with me, no matter what it takes. Even if it meant to be lying to them."
"Can you love me?" I asked. Why are you making it hard Vishrut? I can't let go when you behave like this, watching you cry and me being the reason for it kills me.  
"Not that Adaa, yo-", I cut him off saying
"Then go away Vishrut, please. stop making it hard for me. I don't know for how long I can think rationally because having you near me makes me lose my mind.", I pushed him and I could feel my heart turning heavy and heavy. It feels like I have been weighing the whole universe. But I can't cry, why can't I just cry and shake it off? It is so hard even for tears to fall for me. But rather than going he pulled me into a hug and stayed still no matter how I fought against, but deep down I know this is all I want.

How can I do this, how can I hug the same person who hurt me? I am crying for him, hugging him. I can be so weak. Maybe this is what they call Love, No matter what happens you just want to be with them, because apparently, they are the only one that matters to you. More than yourself. You want their sorrow along with their happiness, pain along with pleasure, flaws along with the perfections. if want them, you want them the whole, not just the happy or the good part.

"Please don't try to contact me again." I grip his collar looking into his eyes. 
"I can't Cupcake", His hand brushed my cheek and I involuntarily moved my head seeking the warmth.
"Please, please, please.......", I kept chanting with my eyes closed tight, tears rolled down uncontrollably, and stopped my whispered chant when he kept his finger on my lips.
"If that's what you really want, I will. But promise me that you will come back, to me", he pointed his little finger expecting me to curl my little finger. 
"I don't want to give you false hope, and it's you who cannot see the possibility of us", I averted my gaze from his eyes. 
"I don't care if it's false or not, I just want hope that you will come to me one day", He held my chin making me look at him again. Tears streamed down his face, he was still waiting for me to promise. Signing I made a false promise. 

"One last time, I am not saying this in the hope you will reciprocate, I am telling so that I don't feel regret for not saying it out loud. I Love You Vishrut.", I kissed him and pushed him whispering "You should go now", he came forward to cup my face. 
"Please Vishrut, leave." I closed my eyes not looking at him and turned my face to the other side.
"And you don't ever feel hesitant to call me", He said before turning and leaving. I can feel his voice crack "Bye Cupcake."

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