A story of brotherhood.
Chan was just 20 years old and about to take on a responsibility that he wasn't sure he could handle.
Born to a drug addicted mother, and never having known his father, he grew up taking care of himself. When his mom had mor...
Minho woke suddenly in a cold sweat. The anxiety of everything was killing him. He looked around his parents cold, dark room, scanning his brother's faces. He checked the clock on the bedside table. 4:41 AM.
Minho pov:
"I might as well get up." I thought to myself. I was sleeping in Eomma and Appa's old bed. Most of our other stuff had sold, including our other mattresses, so this is all we had for now.
I was laying in the middle, with Changbin on my left side, sleeping on my arm, and Jeongin squished comfortably between us, and Hyunjin somewhat on my right side, but practically on top of me. It was so uncomfortable. My neck was killing me. My arms were numb. Of course, my little brothers don't care about that. I'm practically just their pillow. Or for Hyunjin, I'm his bed.
Jeongin had been an absolutely pain to put to sleep. I've just given up lately, and let him scream until he falls asleep on the floor. Then I put him in bed. By that time, it's usually already midnight. And because of him, no one can sleep.
I tried to move carefully, so as not to wake anyone. But as I rolled Hyunjin to the side, he woke up anxiously. He immediately grabbed onto me. He always gets scared when I leave him at night, even if Changbin and Jeongin are right here.
I pulled Hyunjin back on top of me. He popped his head up, and looked at me with nervous eyes.
"Go to sleep." I told him sternly.
He pouted at me. He always pouts about everything I say. Little brat.
I sighed internally before giving him a few heavy pats on the butt. "Owwie hyung." He said, finally putting his head down. I kept patting his bum gently as his eyes began to fall shut again.
This has always been how I put him to bed, ever since Eomma got sick.
Appa and Jeongin stayed with her in the hospital most nights, and I came home with Changbin and Hyunjin, since we had to go to school everyday.
At that time, Hyunjin was just like Jeongin is now. He was only 6. He would cry in the entryway of our apartment, begging to not go to sleep until Appa came home.
It was so frustrating, I wanted to cry. He acted like all of his problems were my fault. But I guess I'm the one to blame in his eyes. After not being able to sleep from listening to him scream, I would get so mad at him.
I would go over and pick him up, holding him to my chest, and give him a few hard pats on his butt. Then he'd cry even more, until he was completely exhausted. I'd pace back and forth, holding him like this, and patting his butt until he fell asleep. He obviously never cared that I was about to pass out from the stress and tiredness.
By the time he was 7, he had stopped screaming and crying when he was supposed to go to sleep. Instead, he'd just come and lay down with me to cuddle, and I'd pat him until he drifted off. It made him sleep every time.
After Eomma died, I didn't have time to put Hyunjin to bed anymore. Especially not once Appa went back to work. When he was gone, Jeongin cried like you wouldn't believe. There was no time for Hyunjin or anyone else.
Changbin also started to take care of Hyunjin and Jeongin a lot. I felt bad for him. He was only 10 years old. I don't know how he was so mature for his age. It's like he had a better grasp on reality than the rest of us. Changbin inherited all the good traits from Appa, and all the good traits from Eomma. That's why he is the way he is. It must be. He's insightful and comforting, like Appa, and he's diligent and kind, like Eomma.
I think I inherited all the bad traits from Appa, and all the bad traits from Eomma.
I'm too proud and stubborn, like Appa, and I'm too strict and impatient, like Eomma.
That's why, even though I used to fight with Binnie in the past, I can't actually win against him. He's a better person than me. Everyone likes him more. I like him more than I like myself. That's for sure.
I think that after Appa "died," I only hated myself more.
I'm pretty sure he's dead, but the social worker just won't say it.
Now I'm 15, laying in my parents old bed, trying not to wake up my little brothers. I have to get up soon.
Today is our last day of school here. I have to get everything ready.
Once Hyunjin was asleep, I gently slid out from under him. My feet hit the cold wood floor. I shivered. I went into the living room and looked out the window. It was raining heavily.
I yawned and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I looked around at our empty house, and the feeling of loneliness and desperation creeped back to me. I felt like it was swallowing me whole. I could feel the burning sensation of tears threatening to pour out at any second. I turned to look at the picture on the wall.
There was Appa, all decked out in his military uniform, posing with a serious expression.
"How could you do this to me?" I asked tearfully.
I stared for a long time. I want to punch him. I want to curse him, and swear at him. I want to tell him how he broke every promise he ever made to me.
"How could you leave me here alone?!" I yelled, before realizing how loud I was, and shushing myself.
I hate soldiers. I hate all of them. I hate my Appa. I hate that he left me here with my little brothers that I can't take care of. I'm going to lose them. I hate my life. I hate myself too.
I clenched my jaw, and I leaned back against the wall. My lip started to quiver, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I slid down the wall and crumpled on the floor, crying.
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"Appa. I'm so scared." I cried.
"Appa pleeaase ju- just come back. Please. I'm so afraid." I began sobbing.
"I'm so afraid, Appa. I can't do it. I'm so sad! All the time!!! I have no one! I don't want to go to Canada. I don't want to live with a stranger. I don't want Changbin to become depressed like me. I don't want Hyunjin to cry because of me, but I always make him cry. He used to be so happy. I don't know how Eomma made him listen to her. He never wants to listen to me. I always have to force him. I hate myself. I wish Jeongin could have a different family, and grow up without even remembering me. But I can't let him go, either. Appa. I'm so afraid that I'll ruin them. I'm so afraid."
●A/N: Please watch the video to get the full emotion.●
I wish that I had the luxury of wanting to die, but no matter how much I hate my life, I'm too scared of dying. I'm scared for my brothers future. I'm so scared, that I have no choice but to live.
As I was sitting, lost in my thoughts, I heard a sound come from the bedroom. I jumped up and ran to the kitchen. I quickly washed my face in the sink. I punched my chest to get rid of the tightness.
I walked back toward the bedroom. Jeongin waddled out slowly, pulling on his pull up. He doesn't usually wake up until 6:30. It was only 5:30 AM now, but Jeongin needed to be changed. I sucked up my tears, and picked him up. I'm sure he should be potty training now, but I don't really know how to do that. I think I'm failing at a lot of things.
I prayed to whoever is listening, that the place we're getting sent to next week, is a good place. I prayed that "Churiseu" or "Chan hyung" is a good person. I prayed that he likes us. I prayed that Jeongin will have no memories of our life here. I prayed that Hyunjin will forgive me for not spending time with him since Eomma died. I prayed that he'll understand when he's older. I prayed that Changbin would always stay so smart and capable. I prayed that we make it safely to Canada next week. I prayed that whoever is listening, doesn't let me die, because I have to take care of my brothers.
