When Will It Be My Turn?

chapter 25

She looked forward, admiring the sea.

I started to feel anxious when minutes passed already yet I got no reply from her.

"I was lost." She started to say, making me look up at her.

"It feels like everything betrayed me, I don't know where to go or where I should stay. hindi ko alam kung saan ako lulugar. everything is just against me. and let's just say I grew tired of fighting over it. I grew tired of trying to get up and all I wanted to do that night was lay down and feel something else besides pain and loneliness." She smiled looking at me, lots of emotions are running into her eyes so many and so fast that I can't even say what those feelings were.

"Everyone turned their back on me, they all shut me off, and they just throw away everything in just one night. it sucks on how none of them tried to reach out to me or even asked if everything that happened is true, they didn't let me explain. they believed what they wanted to believe and I was there, alone. with no one else but myself. It was so lonely that it's actually so scary, I kept screaming for help but I feel like my voice is stuck out. No one heard me or maybe no one stopped to listen to me." I saw her eyes being teary but trying to fight it off.

"That night, all I wanted was to hear someone saying they want me to live." Her eyes turned to me as she smiled forcely.

"But what I got was exactly the opposite of it, and I don't know, I felt the urge to make them happy so I decided to ended it because I know me being gone will make them feel more better. But then death fucked me up too. They rejected me, they made me live again and it's so upsetting you know?" She chuckled lightly, grabbing a beer can beside her and opened it. She chugged it off and looked above again.

"And moment I wake up, I saw the people who wanted me to die more than anyone, they stood there watching me and I can't help but feel more frustrated because I failed miserably to make them happy."

"I failed to make myself happy."

"I thought everything will be fine as soon as I wake up again but no, I feel like the heaven and earth despise me, that neither of living or being dead, none of them can make me feel happy. I kept asking God, why? why me? they say God give tough challenges to their strong warriors but I'm not strong. I'm weak." She looked at me, tears starting falling down into her cheeks.

"Shh, come here." I scooted close to her, patting jer back lightly.

I held her in my arms tightly, letting her cry it all out.

Her voice cracking as her body can't stop shaking lightly, her breathing starts to get fast and I know that I have to calm her down.

"Take a deep breathe for me, love." I made her look at me and match my breathing and when she did, I got her to calm down.

I didn't let go of her and I just listen to all the things she said, how she felt so tired, lonely, sick, and everything. She told me everything she's feeling and I just listen to her.

Because I know what she needs right now isn't someone who can advice her, but someone who's willing to listen to her.

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We're now on our way back to our house, I'm driving and Celine is sleeping in the passenger seat.

We continued talking and I don't know, I feel like it's my fault for not investigasting more thoroughly before lashing out on her.

Everything is still so hard to process, I can't imagine how messed up she must've felt. I can't help but wonder what she was thinking in that one month, she never said anything about it.

I turned to look at her, her eyes puff and she's sleeping peacefully right now.

Her head remained resting on my chest earlier as she kept crying her eyes out and I let her take it all off.

I don't how long it passed but I felt her not breathing heavily anymore which made me look at her and saw that's sleeping peacefully in my arms so I decided right then to carry her and sat her in the passenger seat. After that I gathered all of our things and put it in my trunk and started going into the driver seat.

Which now led to this, me driving and her sleeping next to me.

Everything that happened earlier made me think about all the actions I did to her. She doesn't deserve it.

I know that but then as much as I want to believe her, some part of me just can't get myself to believe it.

Especially all the evidences I found was all pointing at her.

Or is there someone framing her?

Who is it?

I dont know who and what to believe anymore, I must find out the truth as soon as possible.

My thoughts were cut off when I noticed her slighty moving, rubbing her eyes lightly as she turned to me.

I gave her a small smile which she returned. Sumilip ito sa labas ng bintana at binalik ulit saakin ang tingin.

"Why are we here?"

"You fell asleep, so I carried you here and now we're on our way home." I shrug, stealing some glances at her and back to the road.

"Are you hungry?" I asked when she didn't answer.

"Yeah" Her eyes didn't leave the window.

"What do you want to eat? do you want some italian food?" I asked, taking a glance at her.

"I don't know, I want to eat something home made at the moment." She said softly a little hesitant, looking back at me.

"We can do that, anything for you." I smiled, assuring her that it's alright.